Sense of Decay

Discussion in 'Your Projects' started by Snail, Dec 15, 2005.

  1. #1
    Snail

    Snail LPA Super Member LPA Super Member

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    There is reasoning to every word I breathe
    These hands stained with the likes of impurity
    Substances of which the naked eye cannot see
    Lost words, lost thoughts of which you cannot conceive
    Strange letters and voices, that you will never perceive
    The very existence of my words and thoughts
    Ever so isolated and hidden, my mind rots
    I’m lost, and I’m finally caught red handed
    After all the lies, and deceptive deeds
    After all the tries, and desperate needs
    Spawned from the thoughts of greed/but freed
    Screaming it all out with utmost simplicity
    for you all to hear, to know that there is nothing to fear
    Making it clear so the whole world can understand the sheer pain
    of what I’ve had to endure
    submissions to suicidal conclusions it was for sure
    my life was stormed by a sudden burst of hate
    Just like the pages of this book, all torn away
    Just like the days when nothing ever went my way
    Like the tears that ran down from her face
    In life, in Buddha we’d pray,
    For righteousness to finally show it’s grace
    For the ambitions to finally rest in the right place
    To trust in somebody as much as we may
    But no matter how hard we pray we’ll never have it
    Distortion of reality is where I feel that I stand
    It is as if my last ounce of happiness is down to it’s last strand
    and I can neither speak or think for much longer
    No longer can I persevere to stay stronger
    all these hopes and dreams of mine
    they all seem so ridiculous
    it’s only a matter of time
    before I’ll be left to be forever emotionless

    Feel free to point out any flaws, or problems about this. Hope you guys like it. By the way, I can't think of a good title haha...
     
  2. #2
    Arhaz

    Arhaz ...waiting. LPA Super Member

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    it's nice. the "Buddha" thing took it off track. just came in, cut, slew and shackled. it's good otherwise.... 6.99/10.
     
  3. #3
    Linja

    Linja Good. Be magnanimous. Über Member

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    The Buddha part was a good selection, but it did put it off track. Perhaps you should lengthen that line, in order for it to flow. Wonderful job.
     
  4. #4
    esaul17

    esaul17 antichrist

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    Flow seemed to suffer a bit, but I liked a lot of the rhymes.
     
  5. #5
    saunderitos

    saunderitos Banned

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    pretty good


    How about this for a name

    "The poem of Realism"

    I am writing a bunch of realism poems at the moment,ill buff them up onto this site when they are done :p anyway. Hope you like my idea.
     
  6. #6
    Snail

    Snail LPA Super Member LPA Super Member

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    Thanks for all the comments, they were greatly appreciated =]

    I guess I'll have to be more aware of how the flow is. Thanks again for the comments.
     

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