comes right from my heart, and it's my first lyric.. tell me what you think Looking trough the lenses of the pain i feel Seeing you in a white dress and ass time tics along my memories fade to grey your picture in my min letters in blood don't wanna fight nomore cause pain is overwhelming crimson in my eyes! left alone here in the dark twilight comes to dispraise me trifle bitter, so burnt and it ends up getting sour free me of this darkness endless torture, my life trifle bitter, so burnt and it ends up getting sour awaking the misery tonight the bitter sweet dream of bein free of pain for a moment in eternal slumber wondering if anybody is listening to this godless prayer the paper is crumbling the picture is unfolding consuming my world left alone here in the dark twilight comes to dispraise me trifle bitter, so burnt and it ends up getting sour free me of this darkness endless torture, my life trifle bitter, so burnt and it ends up getting sour I give up don't want more pain let me hate you get lost and stop this suffering i won't make it this day i say goodbye so let me go LET ME GO! left alone here in the dark twilight comes to dispraise me trifle bitter, so burnt and it ends up getting sour free me of this darkness endless torture, my life trifle bitter, so burnt and it ends up getting sour
its quite good for your first attempt i must say, However it felt a little long ,and you might wanna try and get it to ryhme just a little bit
Posted: Sep 13 2005, 06:06 AM I'm Not Obsessed!!! its quite good for your first attempt i must say, However it felt a little long ,and you might wanna try and get it to ryhme just a little bit -------------------- Be a Fort Minor Producer
I liked that you actually went to succeed in something you never tried. Just continue and ryhme, and in time your chimes will fly.
i know.. and i'm trying to write another one.. and i have an idea for a third one.. so, you'll hear from me i hope
well, i came up with some cool centenses today.. i'll start writing again when i find the time and mood to write.. and if i don't have much homework.. that is an important factor too
i really like the poem...many lines were just amazing..some other were a wee bit disappointing...but for a first try...*thumb up*