I can't remember whether this is the original or the re-write. I think it's the original because the re-write was much better than this. I must find it. The Beggar A gentle breeze shakes the trees, I walk by as the poor man pleas, But he's really wantin' more than money, Or for tommorow to be sunnny, Because all he wants in an answer to his question, Is he all alone? Is he on his own? But he can't forget his past transgression, And he just wants some place to call home, And his mother died five years ago, His father hit the wall, his brother he don't know, And all he really wants is someone by his side, So that each and every night he doesn't need to cry, But to the world the beggar don't exist, So he knows it's futile to persist, Cause he knows that not one person cares, That if tommorow he isn't even there, Cause day by day he has to say, Thanks to money-dropping passers by, But they didn't plan to come his way, But today he's made a promise not to cry.
Yup, that was the original like I thought. Here's the re-write. It's a lot better in my opinion. Tell me what you think please. Hollow A gentle breeze that shakes the trees, I walk by as the poor man pleas, But inside he's really wanting more than money, Or for tommorow to be sunny, (Chorus) He's searching for a home, Some place to call his own, So he wont have to be alone, And he can burn the seeds he's sown, Everyday he plays the songs he knows, Until it reaches night and the sunlight goes, Then he searches for a place to rest his head, And stare for hours to a sky of red, (chorus) His mother died in a fire years ago, His father hit the wall, his brother he dont know, So all he really wants is someone by his side, So that each and every night he doesn't have to cry, And everyday he shows a little gratitude, Even though the money's dropped with a certain attitude, But he can buy a new guitar and play the same old things, And smile at each passer-by that sings, (chorus) Stars of the night sky in his eye, Blurred by tears as he wonders why, He closes his eyes getting ready for tommorow, Same old life...so empty...so cold...so hollow.
I read the original thinking hmmm, it's ok, but the re-write is much better. Some problems with flow i found in the original were fixed up and the overall meaning of it felt deeper and more powerful than the feelings brought by the first version. Pretty good job, i see talent, keep writing.
i have to agree with david. the re-write is so much better! it's quite a good piece of writing and writen really well. can't wait to see what else you come up with!