im trying to push the lyrical boundires of my songwriting ^^ i've tried to write a song with no chorus,i found it harder than usual and wrote in in about 15 minutes Trip He slides the needle inside To enter a world where he can confide Tell the world he fears and sins Thats why he slides the needle in Thats why we all slide the needle in Thats the world we wanna be in Thats the world thats so good to be in He should take the needle out Stay real and not leak out. All he feels and all he loves Will lose out with his drugs [But]We dont care when the needles in Dont give a damn if its a sin Forget sins,its more fun that way Die in the trip,before we rot away Feel the beautiful child pump through the vein In our rotten skin it leaves a stain One mark on the skip to remember the trip One mark on the brain that helps us slip The trip controls the way all think Society pushes all to the brink The evil world tells us our sins Thats why we slide the needle in. tell me what you think,i dont think its that great,im not to keen on the flow anyone ?
can someone read this please i know im not supposed to double post,but no one reads my songs otherwise
Not to be rude, but obviously no one liked your poem. It's just a waste of your time to double post, or bump your poem to get replies when it didn't have any replies in the first place. If no one likes your poem before you bump it, I doubt anyone will like it afterwards. Not only did you bumping your poem waste your time, it made you look quite childish and desperate. If you like what you wrote, thats great, if others don't, oh well. My advice is to keep writing. Keep posting your work, but if no one replies to it don't think too much of it.
For sure, when I started writing, even some of the stuff I have now...there wasn't too much feedback. Keep writing, you'll notice some improvements in your writing, and people will comment on it more. As for this lyric, I find your writing very focused, which is good, but perhaps too focused so that there isn't much of a progression with your song. You should also try using third person instead of "we", and that whole phrase doesn't really flow to me. Lastly, try not to repeat words too much (ie. sin).
if they dont,i want them to say why and how to improve not reading it and not posting,and you might notice that it says song in the title,not poem thats quite ironic/funny,cause when i posted another song,some guy said that i should be more focused and not so vague ^^
Songs are poems. And as I said, I wasn't trying to come off as being rude. But I completely miss the point of bumping something you've written to get replies, when the certain thing you have written has gotten no replies in the first place. As Odaton said, you used the word "sin" a little too much. It also seems like your trying to hard to keep the flow, and your concentrating more on the rhyming aspect, instead of the meaning and how you get it across. Your not a bad writer at all. And this was not a shitty poem (or song.) But you could definately improve, as I said before keep writing and keep posting. I apologize if I offended you in anyway earlier, that was not my intention or goal, I simply meant to state that there was no point...well nevermind, I already said it once. Good job, and I look forward to your next ... song ... but if people don't like it or don't reply, it's not a big deal. Just try again.
i thought your song wasn't that bad but there is room for improvement. thats not a bad thing. i mean we all have to start somewhere. the fact you have disiplined yourself to be focused in your writtings is good, that way you can allow yourself to freely express more but still remain your focus. this can be a difficult thing to do. don't be too hard with yourself and have patience when it comes to your relpies. sometimes it can take a day or two for people to get a chance to read everything. keep writing cause you obviously enjoy it and that's the main reason why we write, not just to get recognised.
Nah. This is not a reason large enough to not be friends. And I do agree with fallenangel, the main reason one writes is because one likes it, not to get recognized. And you seem to like it. I apologize for being an ass earlier, as I see I was pretty much being one.
It was pretty good, i found the rhyming a bit forced and took away from the poem, also i think it flowed too well (if thath makes any sense). It all seemed too polished for what you were talking about. How do i put this, your talking about an ugly topic with a pretty poem, it just doesn't sit right in my mind. Also the second verse just happens to be 3 lines while the rest are 4. i'm not sure if that was accidental or you ment to do it but it seemed out of place. And one last thing, try not to repeat words to offten, use a thasourus (<<completely ignore spelling<<) to find better words, as many other people have said you do repeat sin a bit. And also these lines (lines in bold): \ They practically repeat the same exact sentance right next to each other. Overall not a bad attempt, but i can feel that you could do better, all you need is practice. Keep writting and posting.
there was a line,it sucked so therefore i removed it i was using the repetition to try and get the point across
if you think the line sucked, i recomend you replace it, not remove it. Also I see how you were trying to use repetition to get your point across, but the same exactline in 2 different verses right after eachother, i don't believe it works very well. EDIT: mabye if they were more spread out, or in the same verse as sort of like an echo it would be more effective, i just ruins the flow in that spot for me. Also i agree with some other people that it is too focused, it starts with a guy with a needle, the whole thing stays with the guy with the needle and it ends with the guy with the needle, nothing really happens, the poem doesn't move. Anyway, you wanted some criticism and i'm giving it, hope you don't take it to hard, keep working.
i'd rather people criticise my work constructively(which you have done) rather than just say . oh,its shit etc.etc thankyou,i will bear everybodies comments in mind when i edit the song