Complaint Letter of the Year

Atsuzen · Jun 16, 2005

I just thought this was all too funny to be true

WARNING: CONTAINS OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE THAT MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR YOUNGER READERS

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition in UK as complaint letter of the year ... have a laugh and read on.

Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words .... A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)

Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bullock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god- awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in you miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.

John

Click to expand...

Heavy is the Louis · Jun 16, 2005

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

NOW THAT IS TOO FUCKING HILARIOUS!

Alacrity · Jun 16, 2005

Ahahahaha.

Theazninvasion68 · Jun 16, 2005

Some service that is....

Joe · Jun 16, 2005

This exact same letter was posted in Random Chat sometime last year. It is great though.

Here.

Danielle · Jun 16, 2005

Thats ace!

Casual D · Jun 16, 2005

Ouch, give a warning when you're gonna quote something that features offensive language. Please :|.

But yeah, it's humorous..I read it before, had quite a laugh.

Glenn · Jun 17, 2005

!!!!

THAT'S AWESOME!

Tomi · Jun 17, 2005

lmfao. Best complaint ever.

Evan™ · Jun 17, 2005

loolz....

the_king_of_all · Jun 17, 2005

!!! damn why didnt i read this before?

Tom · Jun 17, 2005

Adam · Jun 17, 2005

, pretty funny.

Amanda · Jun 17, 2005

I wish I had 4% of that guys creativity. That was so amazing. XD

fallenangel · Jun 17, 2005

ah, the british are so creative in thier letter writing...

Log in or Sign up

Complaint Letter of the Year

Atsuzen Super Member LPA Super Member

Heavy is the Louis No really, we are so back. LPA Team

Alacrity don't stop talking to me; i haven't been listening LPA Super Member

Theazninvasion68 It's like blood to a vampire, our tragic desire. LPA Super VIP

Joe It's all the same to me LPA Administrator

Danielle Well-Known Member

Casual D I WON'T BE YOUR CASUAL D. LPA Administrator

Glenn Super Member LPA Super Member

Tomi   LPA Addict

Evan™ HI! I'm Randy, I'm a Bandicoot Über Member

the_king_of_all LPA Super Member LPA Super Member

Tom LPA Super VIP LPA Super VIP

Adam !!!! LPA Super Member

Amanda RIP Chester LPA Super VIP

fallenangel Well-Known Member

Share This Page

Log in or Sign up

Complaint Letter of the Year

Atsuzen Super Member LPA Super Member

Heavy is the Louis No really, we are so back. LPA Team

Alacrity don't stop talking to me; i haven't been listening LPA Super Member

Theazninvasion68 It's like blood to a vampire, our tragic desire. LPA Super VIP

Joe It's all the same to me LPA Administrator

Danielle Well-Known Member

Casual D I WON'T BE YOUR CASUAL D. LPA Administrator

Glenn Super Member LPA Super Member

Tomi &nbsp; LPA Addict

Evan™ HI! I'm Randy, I'm a Bandicoot Über Member

the_king_of_all LPA Super Member LPA Super Member

Tom LPA Super VIP LPA Super VIP

Adam !!!! LPA Super Member

Amanda RIP Chester LPA Super VIP

fallenangel Well-Known Member

Share This Page

Useful Searches

Tomi LPA Addict