Eternal Night I’m lost in this place, Taken over by despair, All I wanted was to run, But now I’m lost in here, This use to be a place, Where I could reside in peace, Now this is the darkest place, I could ever be. The darkness within me, Has taken my heart and my soul, It took everything, And left an empty hole, Now I’m just shell, Who cannot win this fight, But ill still try to find, An escape to this eternal night. This place was once full. Of all my good memories, Back when my heart could love, And my soul belonged to me, Back before I became, The ghost that I now am, Before I placed my soul, Right into the devils hands. The darkness within me, Has taken my heart and my soul, It took everything, And left an empty hole, Now I’m just shell, Who cannot win this fight, But ill still try to find, An escape to this eternal night. Now I’m lost inside myself, Looking for an exit, Before the devil takes my mind, And uses me like a puppet, I feel his hand on my shoulder, But at the same time see the light, Is this the exit, To an eternal night, The darkness within me, Has taken my heart and my soul, It took everything, And left an empty hole, Now I’m just shell, Who cannot win this fight, But ill still try to find, An escape to this eternal night As I try to escape, And run towards the light, I feel his hand grab me, Holding me so tight, I try but cannot defeat, Something with such great power, So I let my mind die, And become a puppet for my master. P.S sorry "sparkling diamond, i really wanted to release this one" To everyone else - if you dont get what i mean dont worry. O.K.
Once again...pretty good. But don't bother listening to me because I'm way overly critical. (XP) I'm in a literary club thing so I'm used to poems of a "higher quality". (NOTE: No, that's not a knock an you, and no I'm not saying that this isn't good.) I enjoyed reading this poem although I lost the rhythm towards the middle. Also, I was expecting a poem, not a song. Not that that's a bad thing, but the way you titled this, I was expecting a different flow than what you provided. Over all, I think your poem is well written and the over-all emotion in great. However, as I've already told you, I'm not a fan of the repition. But that's just a matter of taste. Also i would like to point out that rhyming isn't everything. And even thought you didn't rhyme that often in this poem, the times that you did threw me off a tad. I'd really love to read something of yours that's free form. Do you have any? --Sato
O.k. ive killed the repition. so se how you like it now. also i need some tips. How do you write freeform. and where did you loose the flow so i can fix it.
Free form or "free flow" poetry is a form of poetry that invloves little to no rhyming. Free form poetry is possibly the deepest and (to me) the most expressive form of poetry because there are no limits or boundaries. Personally I like free form poetry best out of all forms, followed by lyrical poetry in a close second. NOTE: You didn't need to remove the repition. was just saying that Personally I'm not a fan of repition.
O.K. ill give the free form a shot. Don't know how it will turn out. I'm pretty stuck in poems that follow patterns. so ill give it a try. But it is not really my style. i like my song/poem hybrids. But as iv'e said countless times. You can't just read the lyrics to a song and love the song. The tune is a big part of it. and though mine are not to an electic guitar, bass and drums the way i hear it in my head alters the way it sounds to me.
Hey! don't you worry about that, ok? we all enjoy reading your poems. You know what? I'm glad I was the first person to hear a little bit of it and that's worth everything!! Thanks for sharing it with me . Again, this is awesome man! I know our own soul may be a place where we can share peace or get to know hate and things like that much better, and you give a clear example of this with this meaningful poem. I find this fascinating. Very deep (as all your poems) and really powerful in all senses. You've got a masterpiece!
Free form or "free flow" poetry is a form of poetry that invloves little to no rhyming. Free form poetry is possibly the deepest and (to me) the most expressive form of poetry because there are no limits or boundaries. Personally I like free form poetry best out of all forms, followed by lyrical poetry in a close second. NOTE: You didn't need to remove the repition. was just saying that Personally I'm not a fan of repition. [/b][/quote] Well I liked the poem,but have to say that since you have set high standards by your other poems,some poems may disappoint some people,so dont worry too much even if you get some criticism(actually a poet who isnt criticised is not a poet at all),and about the comment made by in the shadows I guess he is right but there is ont thing I wanted to say that you cant define poetry,actually poetry is something which cant be defined,it can be anything between nothing and everything and beyond the two also,so I dont completely agree that free form is the deepest form of poetry(though its his opinion),but any from can be deep if the person writing it has deep thoughts,so never restrict yourself to any form,just act as a mediator between your mind and the pen then all your poems will be deep and thoughtful.keep it up
hey i tried the freeform poetry thing. complete faliure. so im writing a new poem. TO my usuall style and then make try to make a freeform version of it. going to freeform is too big of a step for me. anyway thanks ahamLP for your advice. You will see that i kept the eptitive bit because it is what i liked. But i do accept all chritisim good and bad (but especially the good ) and try to improve myself.
Wasn't to you. lmao. ahamLP said "he" and "his"...meanwhile, I'm a chic. [/b][/quote] sorry I didnt know ur sex,but ya I was thinking of using a general one like the person,but instead went ahead with specific gender,but what do I see you havent commented anything on what I said but just pointed to the mistake(which was unkowingly committed),and above all if you want me to be sceptical and find mistakes I want to point to one of yours,you have said: ahamLP said "he" and "his"...meanwhile, I'm a chic. lol meanwhile you are a chic? or while you are a chic (I've no grudge against, but just want to point mistakes like you do to others)
That's hardly a mistake. Meanwhile can also be adapted to mean something similar to : "On the other hand" or is this case "Actually." The english language has evolved beyond the dictionary.
That's hardly a mistake. Meanwhile can also be adapted to mean something similar to : "On the other hand" or is this case "Actually." The english language has evolved beyond the dictionary. [/b][/quote] well, I'm pretty sure, ahamLP wasn't trying to be rude
That's hardly a mistake. Meanwhile can also be adapted to mean something similar to : "On the other hand" or is this case "Actually." The english language has evolved beyond the dictionary. [/b][/quote] Ok fine,but you seem to apply one rule to you and another rule to everyone else,if you commit a mistake you try to escape by saying English language has evolved beyond the dictionary,but when others commit mistakes you seem to forget this,why? any reason?,I just want to tell you that if you can point to mistakes so can others,and if I have taken it sportingly so should you(atleast learn to accept the mistakes),I am not being rude but I think this was neccessary coz(I know its because and not coz but then as you said English language has evolved beyond the dictionary) you ignored what I said in those comments instead went ahead with finding some mistakes which I commited unkowingly I would have appreciated you had you made some comments on what I had said along with those fault finding,sorry if you are offended but I had to say this,so I did.
Just drop the whole thing, niether of you post in this again. and everything will be fine. Don't worry. ahamLp made an honest mistake. There is nothing to fight about.