"redemtion"

it's still in early form but for the most part pretty well set...just want to see your opinions, or questions...
"Redemption" [title subject to change]

[Intro quiet rap verse]
Trapped inside this dark prison
Hushed screams swell up from the deep
Their violent tones growing as I listen
Breaking the silence as I jump to my feet
Drowning out my own plea for redemption
A tangled web draws itself in the distance
A river of lies flows deeper with every decision
Slowly drowning me with no way of escape
And then I scream
And then I scream
And then I scream
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
[Guitar starts in heavy leading into the first real verse…]

[V1] A deadly spider bite/ the poisonous thoughts infecting my systems/ breaking down reason/ and destroying equilibrium/ darkening my truth/ letting loose hate filled words before I can take them back/ the infection spreads/ as my heart turns black

[C1] So could you ever? / Is there a way? / For you to forget what I have done/ and not me/ to love someone/ When the pain runs so deep/ and not flee to safety/ when he needs you the most

[V2] Fighting off this infection/ trying to clear a clouded mind/ with my hate still close to me/ I push it aside to ask for an apology/ as a man standing in mist of his own actions/ searching for an answer to his prayer/ slowing fading as every moment of silence passes/ to a memory of a man that used to be

[C2] So could you ever? / Is there a way? / For you to forget what I have done/ and not me/ to love someone/ When the pain runs so deep/ and not flee to safety/ when he needs you the most
_________________________
well there it is, dont be to harsh lol

 

youve got a future that was awseome get sum guys to rap it

 

thank you, i do know an awsome white guy that rap really well, i cant sing but i can scream like chester..now to find some one that can sing well...

 

its gd dog,but i fink u should change the and i scream NNNNNOOOOO,in to ,and i scream and like a mmmmmmwwwwwwwwuuuuuuu kinda faint live if u know wot im on about k

 

i see what your saying, when i pratice it really just comes out like a scream, but i cant put down in letters what it sounds like, so i stick with "nO" right now, becuase AHHHHHHHHH! sounds stupid