NUMB "Son when you grow-up I want you to be a architect" said my dad. "You'll make alot of money." "But dad what if I dont want to be that." Them are nice words coming from a divorced man raising three kids by himself, and only making 12.50 a hour. You always hear him talking about all the mistakes he's made. How he should have went to college and got a better education, and how his kids are going to do what he didn't get to do. Highschool started today, I'm so glad that I got all the classes I wanted. For once I think I'm going to injoy school. First period start, they are calling out names but the teacher doesn't call out my name. He looks at my schedule then tells me to go see the guidance counselor. There's a long line waiting for the counselor, Finally I get in there and ask her what happen to my schedule. "It's been changed honey" she says. "How" I ask. "Your father came in and told us what classes you wanted to take." replied Miss Johnson. "Should have known he would try this." He just wants the best for me but i want the best for me to. So far are two worlds haven't really met eye to eye. "Sorry, but the school can't change it because your father told us not to." she said. I got home around 3:30, I'm waiting for him to get home. I can just sense that there's going to be a fight. He pulled in the driveway about six o'clock. When he gets out of the car and walks past me his grin shows the happiness from my pain. He asked,"How my day was at school?" I replied "It was alright if somebody didn't change all my classes." "Haha, I left your lunch in the same place." "I'm serious dad." "So am I Chase." He said, "I only want the best for you." "Even if that means living your dream's through me?" "Who said I'm trying to live my dream's through you." "Ever since I've been little you have always told me what I was going to be, I've never had a say in what I want to be." "That's not true." he said. "Name one time you haven't had a say in it dad" "Hmm.........?" *That's what I thought, You always have." "I'm not talking about this anymore.", "Go to your room." "Fine", "I'm sorry that everything you thought I was going to be has fallen apart in front of you." "I told you to go to your room." "Why can't we talk about this dad, What are you afraid of, the truth? Why can't I be what I want? Why do I have to live up to your standards? I'm sick and tired of being what you want me to be, Just let you dreams go dad." "No, I wont." He clinched his hand into a tight fist, then rapidly struck it against my face.Turning my head sideways from the blow. I could feel the blood gush from my lip and tears swell in my eyes. Although I couldn't cry for the man that wanted so much. "Are you happy now dad, for doing this?" "Son, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to." "No, I think you did, and I'm perfectly fine with it." "Come here so we can see if your alright." "No, why are you trying to baby me now, I'm not five anymore, you can't control me" "Chase?" "Forget it,I gotta go call my friend." "Hey is Phoenix there?" "This is him,You alright man? sounds like you've been crying." "I have." "Whats wrong?" "My dad hit me when we were aruging." Holding the rag against his face. "What!, Is this the first time he's hit you?" "Yeah, I just confronted him about trying to live his dreams through me. Cause he had my schedule changed to the classes he wanted me to take and he got pissed." "Man, that sucks." "God, he wants me to be happy, but the only happiness I could have would be for him to let me live my own dreams. Still then it wouldn't be worth it. I'll have to disappoint him. So that it can equal out the happiness of not being able to live my own dreams." "I know what you mean,You dont want to disappoint him." "Disappoint him. He'd probably die." "No, he wouldn't" "Just not sure how much longer I can live this lie, before it gets to me you know?" "Dont let it get to you." "Do you have any clue, how bad it hurts to see the disappointment on your fathers face when you walk into the house after you get a B on a test. He thinks you've failed, but you know that you tried your hardest. It's one of the most depressing things I'll ever experience." "I can see why you are so stressed out all the time" "Yeah, well I'm gonna go, there's somethings I need to think about." "K, hope you get it figured out." "Thanks, later" "Bye, Chase" The phone was wet where he held it so tightly to his ear. As he went to put it down it gently slip out of his hand. Making a loud noise that echoed throughout the house. Waking his dad from his long awaited afternoon nap. "Stop making so much noise up there!" the dad yelled wiping his eyes. "I'm trying to sleep!" "Sorry, dad." "Just keep it down please." "I will." fliping his dad off with his middle finger. Then a small voice from the background asked. "What does the mean bub-bub?" "Ohh nothing little man." rubbing his younger brothers head. "Why were daddy and you fighting earlier?" "We had a disagreement" "About what?" "How he won't let me do what I want ." "Ohh, did he give that blackeye to?" "Huh, I have a black eye?" "Yea, why dont you go to the bathroom and look?" I rushed to the bathroom to see if he really did give me a blackeye. "No,he didn't give it to me" "How did you get it?" "Do you always ask this many questions?" "Yeah." "Well its getting late, so you better get ready for bed." "K, night bub." My little brother always ask so many questions but he still young and curious. I couldn't tell him that dad gave me this blackeye, Dont want him scared of dad. Soon enough he will know his real dad won't he? Still in the bathroom, I find myself staring back at me. Wondering how I've become this way and where I went wrong to make my dad so disappointed in me. Reaching towards the mirror trying to touch the real me. I realized now that there will only be one way to obtain it. Through death, all my pains would be gone, all my disappointment will no longer exsist in you, my dad. No longer will I have to live up to you standards or your life. No longer will I have to make your dreams come true cause to you, I'm nothing more then a dog on a chain getting walked by you, and I cant take it anymore. I'm not a puppet, theres no strings attached to me. You needed to just let me go but you insisted to hold on. Now its put me in the position to make a choice. Live this life as a lie through your dreams or make these cuts on my wrist a little deeper to ease the pain. Whoever said suicide is not the answer, was wrong because they have never lived my life. So I will leave my dad with this note I wrote so long ago. After my death my dad calmed down and finally realized that he couldn't expect so much out of his kids, realizing they had thier own dreams too. That the added stress would drive them to do what I did. He vistits my grave weekly, and just sits there and talks to me. It's funny he has a better relationship with me now then he did before. Sometimes he starts to cry, he tells me he's sorry for not letting me become what I wanted to be.