This is my first song I've written. It's about a girl who flirted with me and acted all coy to get my attention, then rejected me when I asked her out. She used and manipuated me. Anyways, a good old fashioned hate song, called Tenfold, is my creation. Tenfold [Verse] You're the devil in disguise, You're masked behind those pretty eyes, Your heart inside is black as night, The sun is gone, it sees no light. A twisted mind armed for destruction, Merciless thoughts meet no injunction, Inflicting hurt, no hesitation, A victims heart, your main vocation. [Chorus] Now you're the one who I despise, Your promises became your lies, And for all this, you soon will see, That I'll repay this misery, Tenfold. [Verse] You cast a spell upon your prey, You mislead him in every way, And when you're done with him, he finds, That you were messing with his mind. Exploiting weakness, hunting prey, Manipulating numerous ways, It seems as if your main devotion, Is toying with all my emotions. [Chorus] Now you're the one who I despise, Your promises became your lies, And for all this, you soon will see, That I'll repay this misery, Tenfold [Bridge] You'll pay for this, (TENFOLD!) You'll hurt for this, (TENFOLD!) You'll soon bemoan, (TENFOLD!) That you're alone. [Verse] This is a threat, so do make haste, My promises won't go to waste, And when I repay this misery, You'll feel it for eternity. [Changed Chorus] Now you're the one who I despise My promises won't become lies And for all this, you soon will see, That I'll repay this misery, TENFOLD!
Mark? You need to write more lyrics buddy. You absolutely rule, I never knew you had this side to you. You're reppin Canada all the way homie.
Thanks, Dave! I've sometimes written stuff and I've posted it in Writers Cove, but I always found myself going back to delete it a couple of minutes later. I'm just insecure sometimes about my writing. But thanks to Derek, I posted it.
Thanks guys! Any constructive criticism is welcomed, although some times I become a little protective over my work and I don't want to change it. But still, any ways you think it'll help, please say something. I won't get mad.
Overall I think it's an awesome song. Everything flows together nicely and the lines are strung together accordingly. The lines of each verse correlate with the rest of the song, which is really good. I really like the way you wrote this particular verse. Okay...as far as constructive criticism goes, well it's it not really criticizing. Basically, the only thing I would consider or change, is perhaps if for some of the descriptions or words that you used in the song, you were to go a little deeper into what you were feeling, i.e. be a little more descriptive with the words. For example Rather than: <!--QuoteBegin--Mark You drop those hints and act so coy, You thrive on hurting every boy, But in the end, you fail to see, You've made alot of enemies.[/quote] You might put: Bound upon your own façade, your intentions Have only thrived towards elimination, of my emotions Your own have wavered in deception, this false affection Will only bring you pain / from this game / a blame you’ve obtained Obviously, the verse I inserted above doesn’t flow correctly with the rest of your song, but then again it’s just an example. (a crappy one at that given that I only spent about two minutes on it) Basically what I'm trying to get at is you can use one strong word that means the same as a group of weaker ones strung together. You can still get the same meaning across if you use a word such as the one above, facade or deceive or any other word that shares the same meaning, instead of 'drop hints and act so coy.' Of course, this is your song and you can do what you please, this is only a suggestion. I don’t know if this will help you or not, or if there’s even a point in saying it, but generally when I try and write a song, I don’t try and follow one particular pattern. I try and change the ‘structure’ of how the words are said and how they flow together by inserting various parts of the line or phrase in different areas of the verse, instead of having the usual ‘every line has the same amount of words’ sort of thing. IMO, to have varying line lengths in a verse/chorus of a song gives it a little taste and a way to stray away from the usual cliche song structures you see used so often nowadays. For instance the first two lines could have, say nine words, and the second and fourth lines maybe ten or twelve, and still flow together correctly, provided that you choose the right words. Well I know at this point I’ve been rambling, so I’ll shut up now and let you decide what you want to do. All in all, I think it's a great song as it is, and its really good. Hope to see you post more.
You might put: Bound upon your own façade, your intentions Have only thrived towards elimination, of my emotions Your own have wavered in deception, this false affection Will only bring you pain / from this game / a blame you’ve obtained Obviously, the verse I inserted above doesn’t flow correctly with the rest of your song, but then again it’s just an example. (a crappy one at that given that I only spent about two minutes on it) Basically what I'm trying to get at is you can use one strong word that means the same as a group of weaker ones strung together. You can still get the same meaning across if you use a word such as the one above, facade or deceive or any other word that shares the same meaning, instead of 'drop hints and act so coy.' Of course, this is your song and you can do what you please, this is only a suggestion. I don’t know if this will help you or not, or if there’s even a point in saying it, but generally when I try and write a song, I don’t try and follow one particular pattern. I try and change the ‘structure’ of how the words are said and how they flow together by inserting various parts of the line or phrase in different areas of the verse, instead of having the usual ‘every line has the same amount of words’ sort of thing. IMO, to have varying line lengths in a verse/chorus of a song gives it a little taste and a way to stray away from the usual cliche song structures you see used so often nowadays. For instance the first two lines could have, say nine words, and the second and fourth lines maybe ten or twelve, and still flow together correctly, provided that you choose the right words. Well I know at this point I’ve been rambling, so I’ll shut up now and let you decide what you want to do. All in all, I think it's a great song as it is, and its really good. Hope to see you post more. [/b][/quote] Thank you! Your ideas are great, but I'm kinda stuck towards the whole flowing of syllables per line style. It's like a sung poem. Although the verse you pointed out is the weakest part of the song and I'm thinking of changing it. How about: Exploiting weakness, hunting prey, Manipulating numerous ways, It seems as if your main devotion, Is toying with all my emotions. Thanks again, everyone. I'm looking to post another song soon.