Even though this may be a little dirty its hilarious nonetheless. Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence. Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all." Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whisky. Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!" Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!" They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth." The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free. At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o'this. Me knees are killin' me!" Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
Two mosquitos are rideing a motobike. One of them says "STOP!!!"and the other one stops the motobike and askes "What's wrong?",and the answer is... I want your opinion: what is the answer?
I thought my joke was funny actually, or was it too long and no-one could be bothered to read it all.
I thought my joke was funny actually, or was it too long and no-one could be bothered to read it all. [/b][/quote] hahahaha It's funny....
This ones shorter. Bubba The football coach noticed that his star tackler, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?" Bubba replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!" The coach went home early one day and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser. His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you Bubba?"
That's the purpose of the joke. Hmm... I bought a really old riding lawnmower from my brother a few weeks ago, uhh huh.. You know..one of them John Deere models with the nice green paint and yellow trim with the big ass ####### tires, but there was a problem...I didn't like the name John Deere because I didnt want to be on top of some guy...because you know, I just dont go that way man! So I ended up naming it after my ex-girlfriend, which seemed to fit it rather nicely. You know why? Because like her, it's a bit loose but it still rides as fast as ever. *Walks away* [/b][/quote] lmfao
*I'll just like to say i know NO chinese, so for the purpose of this joke i will make up a word....read on. Oliver is currently taking part in a golfing tournament around the world, the next stop for the tournament is China. Oliver arrives in China a day early for the tournament, so he decides to go and check out the night life around the city, so, Oliver is out and having a really good time, goes into his first bar, gets a bit tipsey, goes into his second bar and gets a bit drunk, gets to his third and is now wasted. He glances across the bar and notices a really attractive Chinese chick, he thinks to himself "ey, up ive never had a bit of asian skirt, so i'll try and give it a go", so after minutes of cheesy chat up lines he realises she doesnt speak english, but he still manages to get her back to his hotel anyway. Still drunk he stumbles into his room and begins to undress her, finally after a struggle they begin to "get it on", minutes into the dirty deed the chinese girl begins yelling "CHINIKAWA!", "CHINIKAWA!" but Oliver doesnt understand a word she's saying, she continues "CHINIKAWA!", "CHINIKAWA!" he thinks "ey, up, she must be loving this, she's screaming her head off". Anyway, the night ends and the morning comes. Now, Oliver is feeling really ill from the previous night and he has to go to his golfing tournament, he goes feeling crappy. It comes to his first shot, he sizes up the ball, pulls back swings and...he swings and hes that drowsy that he manages to hit the ball into the wrong green, but out of the corner of his ear he hears the golfing caller give a snigger to the crowd and say "chinikawa" laughing gentley. Oliver, finding this word familiar turns around to his translater and says "what did he just say", the translater says back "what...chinikawa?", Oliver returns "Yeah, thats it, what does it mean?", the translater replies..."wrong hole!"
lol; awesome jokes. My neighbour (who is a blonde) has one of those old fashion mailboxes with the flag thingy...Anyways, one day i was moving the lawn and and i saw her running up to her mailbox. Opens it, nothing inside, walks back in. 10 minutes later she runs up to her mailbox, opens it, nothing inside walks back in. Again 10 minutes later she runs up to her mailbox, opens it, nothing inside, slams the mailbox shut and stomps back inside annoyed. She kept doing that for about 15 more times when i went up to ask her what was wrong. She told me that her computer said "You've got Mail" so she went to check it and nothing was there. My LA teacher always tells jokes every class and i thought this one was really good. [note, the joke isnt as exactly how he told it but thats how i remember it]
what's hairy, has two legs, and bleeds alot? highlight: half a dog. what's green and brown, and would kill you if it fell on you from a tree? highlight: a pool table. what's the difference between michael jackson, and michael jordan? highlight: michael jackson has sex with little boys. I'd post certain jokes about babies, but they're wrong and would break the forum rules.
blonde joke :whistle: Disclaimer: i dont think blondes are dumb i just like the joke. dont sue me for hurting your feelings A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." "I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?" "No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
Fascinate- The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'." Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him. Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her Brests are so big she can only fasten eight."