My newest soNg....just written the first part of it....pls read and reply...tks...aLz!!! Feel The pain, that iz breeding inside of me. Heal These Wounds, which are never gonna heal Faster I go, I fall down to your feet. Slower I go, You keep backstabbin me Fighting myself, to see through your lies. never realized, Thats my life. never felt, the way i wanted to Now its time for you to see what I [faced all those times, trying & dieing, i was standing where I began. but when this all ends, it starts over again]
Before I comment on your song, I am going to take a few moments to welcome you to the LPA and then tell you what you’ve done wrong in this thread. First, welcome to the LPA. Make sure you read the Guide and the Rules before making any further posts, and enjoy your stay. Second... how can I put this politely? ...never type like that again. Take a few extra seconds to type out the letter N instead of wasting time with the slashes and whatnot because that just makes you look like you’re immature and you have no idea what you’re doing. Basically, type like me if you don’t want to get your head bitten off by almost everyone here. Thanks. Now, onto your song: It’s not that good. You’re instructing the reader to feel the pain that’s inside of you. How is that going to happen? Enemas can only be administered by doctors. Your average Joe would think you’re crazy if you asked him to give you an enema. Then you tell the reader to heal wounds that are never going to heal. Why did you bother asking the reader to heal the wounds if you know they aren’t going to heal? That’s like asking someone to paint your car in the shiniest of colors even though you know you’re going to drive it to the junkyard the next day. The next two lines just don’t make any sense at all. You go from talking about pain and wounds to being on speed or crack or something. Try to make everything in your song relate instead of jumping from one thing to another so abruptly. It didn’t make any sense to me. The next few lines make even less sense, in my opinion. Why would you need to fight yourself to see through someone elses lies? If someone else is lying to you, you should be able to confront them about it instead of fighting yourself. If you have to fight yourself to see through someone elses lies, then you’re a really gullable person. The next few lines don’t make much sense to me either. You never realized that it’s your life to fight yourself to see through someone elses lies? I don’t think anyone would realize that’s their life unless they know they’re really gullable. And even then they probably deserve what they get anyway. Oh, and no one ever feels the way I want to. I don’t want to feel sleepy right now but I can’t help that (unless I go to sleep). I like the next part, though. It’s really neat. All except for the "trying and dying" part. Obviously if you tried and died, you can’t keep going on, so that contradicts the rest of the lyrics in your song. I didn’t mean to overanalyze the few lyrics you have here but if you want to be a good songwriter you should really focus on what you’re writing and take certain things in stride. Don’t just write what sounds good -- make it make sense. Make every part of the song connect to another part of the song. Hope my opinions and analysis helped.
That was a very proficient analysis. Somewhat confusing, but not a really bad song. Maybe with length and re-ordering it would improve.
Yes, critisizing but true. When i first came to LPA, my impression of Will wasn't a good one. But once i got off on the right start, he wasn't so bad. In fact hes awesome! He has answered all of my questions, too. Basically don't get any impression from Will off of this post.. Hes not just some guy who critisixeseverything ... you did ask him to critisize your song.. and he's right about everythinghe said.