A Dying Love - Journal Entries

[FONT=Courier, monospace]A Dying Love[/FONT]​

[FONT=Courier, monospace]Part One: Notes From Ray [/FONT]​

[FONT=Courier, monospace]February 12th 2008 [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]I don't know what this is going to turn into. Really, I don't. My only guess is that it'd be something might ugly. My wife she's been dealing with me for a pretty deep while. Quite a long time I mean. Longer than she should had. Thirty-four years in fact, we've been married over half that. The strange thing is that all those years seem like seconds. Maybe less than that. [/FONT]

[FONT=Courier, monospace]Now, I'm giving my wife more trouble than she ever did deserve. I'm hurting her badly. I know. I know and still I'm doing it. I know what you're thinking, truly I do. But there's a thing I ain't let you know yet. What I'm doing to my wife. I ain't meaning to do to her. It scares me that she isn't running away from me. [/FONT]

[FONT=Courier, monospace]She should because it'd be easier for her in the end. Right now she's watching this disease eat me piece by piece. Each cell a different appetizer. And it's me that's just standing by idly and letting it. Doctors done told me there was not much I could do. There isn't, not really but still I'm here and she's here and soon I'll be gone and she'll be here just as she is. Same before I was even gone. [/FONT]

[FONT=Courier, monospace]Could you understand what that might do to her? I couldn't. Sure, I could have an idea or something like that but I don't think I would ever truly understand, not unless our roles were reserved and damn me to hell for even thinking that possible. [/FONT]

[FONT=Courier, monospace]I'm losing her too you know. Me, dying and all. What am I suppose to do in heaven, the perfect kingdom without the perfect angel to accompany me? I don't think it'd be so perfect then. Not at all. [/FONT]

[FONT=Courier, monospace]I'm leaving her and in a way she's leaving me. It ain't her fault as much as it ain't mine but I still blame myself. I have to blame somebody. It could have been placed on God for letting it happen. But that would be childish and I'm afraid that he'd not let me be with her in the end. [/FONT]

[FONT=Courier, monospace]They say god is loving. But God is merciless. He gives us life, which I say is about the worst thing you can do. Best too. Still, when you live you gotta deal with all life's problems. Anger, housing, growing up, sadness, heartbreak, religion, morals, death. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier, monospace]Ray met her when he was sixteen years old. He'd just gotten his first job down at the small theater down town, it was the only one in that county. She was his aid. Told 'em how to work the cashier, how to empty it and all. Made him understand there'd be big trouble if any of the money in it got lost or missing somehow. Said that everyone took turns cleaning the building and you might not skip over anything less you want less pay or a trip home, indefinitely. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]She had brown eyes. Ray noticed that awfully fast. He'd taken a liken to her the first day. He remembered her asking how long he was planning to work there and him saying that he'd be there just a long as he could without going totally cats-wild. She told him it won't be long til that there would happen. She smiled as she said it too and right then his heart was stolen. Not that he really did mind giving it away. Not to her. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]So Ray worked at that theater and developed a ripe friendship with some of the employees, the most powerful of them the one with Gracie Lane. They always did their best to leave at the same time and go over by the fishing pond. Unlike theaters there were lots of places to fish. In Florasvhile, Virginia there were quite a few of them, not all of them good though. It didn't matter to Gracie and Ray though, they weren't really worried about any fish. They'd reel em in if they caught one and be might proud if they got a good catch sure, but fishing, it was a way to just sit there and appreciate one another. You'd not have to say a word, you'd just be happy knowing that you were there together and with each other. But of course they did talk, quite a lot sometimes. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]Ray remembered the first day he had kissed her. It made him feel sort of guilty though because it hadn't happened the way he had thought it would. It was about seven of the clock and the night was slowly creeping upon them. Could see the first glimmer of the stars. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]Gracie had said: Ray? [/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, monospace]And he'd responded with a ayuh, and then he had looked around because she hadn't said anything and he thought she was going to. Then he'd finally asked if it was something on her mind she wanted to spit about. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]When you going kiss me Ray? And Ray right then almost fell of the little edge of earth he was sitting on. He had to actually hold his hands in the dirt to keep himself up. He didn't even take notice of the rock that was pressing into the underneath of his leg. His face was all red and what all. Kiss you? Ray asked. I didn't know you wanted me to. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]Ray, said Gracie , you know I wanted you to 'fore a while now. The way I been eye'n you and the way you been taken notice. [/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, monospace]It's something how I ain't just about got mad and left you here wondering why you was alone. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]I'm sorry Ray said and she had interrupted him and that time she did sound deeply angered with him. Because her eyes had this fire in 'em, a burning ember. And her voice was as cold as her ***** of a mothers heart. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]I don't want you to be sorry Ray. I want you to kiss me and if you ain't going to then I'm just gonna leave you here. I could kiss you if you ain't goin kiss me but I'm old fashioned and I'm not going to. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]So Ray did the only thing that he could do. He leaned over and wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her to him and placed his mouth and hers and pushed her into the dirt kind of roughly, she didn't seem to mind. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier, monospace]February 18th 2008 [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]I don't think I'm going to live much longer. I know as I write on this paper with slurred ink and lousy script, the more I fade. So right now I try to convey my feeling's, a final thought before the curtains come close. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier, monospace]Gracie said that she wouldn't kiss him first and she didn't. But she didn't say nothing bout not kissing him back and that's exactly what she did do. Kissed him right and proud. Making her claim on him as he was doing to her then. They were both caught in each others trap and there was no escaping it. You could call it fate, but Ray wouldn't like it to be put that way. Not what they were doing, not how he felt. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]She was much too good for him and he damn well knew it too. She was a better person in about almost every way. In the way that she cared about the people around her, her family was very important to her too, even if she did hate them they were her family and she thought that meant something. And to find a girl like that and say that he was suppose to have her, that he deserved her. It wasn't right. There was no way he could have ever earned such a thing. It couldn't have been fate. He'd hate to say it was coincidence and he never said it was. He thought that maybe it was a mix between fate and that. That somehow God had gotten his orders mixed up and stirred up a soup that was meant for someone else. Someone better. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]They kissed beside the fishing pond for a while. His hand slowly making its way under her shirt and him waiting for her to try to push it back down and then him being surprised that she didn't. He guessed that she'd been waiting a while herself for him to make some kind of move on her and if he was willing that she would give him what he asked for. It made him feel kind of dirty but he knew he wasn't the perfect someone for no one and it'd be something he just had to live with. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]But somehow he did stop himself because he wanted it to be special with her. Not that it wasn't ever with her. Being with her alone was always the most special thing. And being there in the coming night as the sky was darking and the stars were shining seemed just about perfect. Perfect for professing his love and for her taking it. But he wanted to wait some more anyway. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]When they were finished both of their clothes was covered deep in with mud. Dirty and ragged. His leg hurt from the rocks that had pressed into it. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]Ma's going give me hell for this mess on me. He said [/FONT]
[FONT=Courier, monospace]I'm going give you hell for not kissing me sooner Gracie said and then she took his hand and they got up and walked to his car. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]He drove her home and told her good night and that he'd see her tomorrow same as he always said but this time he kissed her goodnight too. He could see the curtain blind in the front of the house was slightly parted. Could see a glimpse of a face that belonged to Gracie 's little sister Angela but Ray didn't much care that they were being watched. In fact it made him feel good. That he could show off his girl and he thought that now that she was his girl. That she might have been for quite a time without him even knowing it. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]He got to his own house way after dark and just as he'd expected his mother gave him a ugly hell for getting his clothe s dirty. Even though he made most the money that bought them.[/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]Ray she'd said, I don't slave around down at no office for you to be messin up what you done got. I don't come home to wait for you come here all dirty after being down at that pond with that girl you have got a friendship with. Tell me now you want your mother to worry about you? [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]I come home this late all the times before and you ain't ever said noting Ray said to her. What now, something happen? Is dad out again, home late and out drinking? And then his Ma' told him to shut his trap and not talk back to her. Not if he knew what was good for him. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]Ray knew his mother loved him, even if she didn't exactly know how to show it all the time. The truth was that most days she was a pretty good mother. Better than a lot of others and she'd been stressed out with his dad. He thought that soon they might be over, he wouldn't have a problem with that. Not really. Though they'd never admit to their problems, not to him and not to no stranger therapist either. She wouldn't go out telling nobody that his Pa' was a rapidly falling alcoholic. And his dad wouldn't go tell nobody that his wife has a *****-woman that gone of her knockers and took the throne from the devil himself. Sure he'd piss and complain some to his buddies but he never admit that it was anything serious that he was dealing with. The Curs didn't have problems. Ray's mom thought that and so did his father. Problems were for the weak at heart and god forbid them. [/FONT]

[FONT=Courier, monospace]Ray thought what they failed to realize was that it was okay to have problems. Not any one of a soul on this earth here is perfect. Except God himself. And saying that God is perfect is a bit much because anything that is perfect would be a fault of its own perfection. It's own imperfection really. It must be lonely to be the best. [/FONT]



[FONT=Courier, monospace]The day after their first kiss was like any other day. Except that things were different. First thing you noticed was how much more lively Gracie Lane was. She handled the ticket booth with grace and even when the customers were getting attitude with her she kept her calm. She always did but this time it was something different. Like she took in their rudeness and out of her came its opposite. Kindness. No way did Ray deserve this woman. She was his though and would be for thirty so years. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier, monospace]March 2nd 2008 [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]Life and death are like summer skies right before the sun sets. To watch a life from afar, through a screen is beautiful and to watch it end is painful. It's like watching the birth of a star and then witnessing it as it becomes a supernova, before it even has a chance to make a stain in the universe. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier, monospace]They visited the fishing pond almost everyday, and almost everyday they made sure to kiss each other someway or the other, thus giving the nick name of the kissing pond. The thing though was that it wasn't only just a pond. Behind the water were trees and forest, and in front were picnic tables and grills, since that particular pond was part of some kind of park. The park was decorated with old cannons used in wars and barns and old steam engines. There were trails too. Really the park was interesting and it's calm and quiet was one of the most beautiful things about it. Which was kind of strange because you'd think that such a big beautiful place would have a lot of people to see it but on about almost any given day you'd see less than 20 different people. That was always good because there were hardly any other people to bother you and you could relax. Ray and Gracie only ever saw 2 other people at the Kissing pond, and they liked that fine. Not that anyone would have distracted them from what they were doing, no ma'am and no sir, no way. [/FONT]

[FONT=Courier, monospace]One day in the mid of May 1957 they took this trail. It went through dark furry trees and ground so soft you'd think you were on pillows. Your feet would sink into the dirt just enough for you to think you were going to be swallowed whole and then you'd settle and it'd be alright. You'd still be there alive and breathing. This trail went on for about seven miles, and about midway in the ground was a bit harder, the grass was green as polished lime. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]They held hands in the darkness of the tree and Gracie pointed to a branch abruptly and told Ray to look. There was a red robin on that branch just as still as an owl or deer caught in headlights, Gracie's Ma' had always been superstitious and told her when she was a young child that red robins were a sign of good luck and if you were to make a wish on them they would come true and so she squeezed Rays hand and wished that they would be together forever. It was a naive and selfish thing to wish for, she knew but it's what she had wanted more than anything in life then. To have someone and for him to have her. It was all so simple. But if anyone had asked her to explain it she didn't think that she could have. How do you explain to somehow how it feels like your gut is being pulled out and from it someone is stripping you of your soul. How could you make that sound like a pleasurable thing? To be defeated by affection and care and to want to do anything for the person you care most about. She didn't know how to say it but she knew what it was. Simple as anything her teachers in school ever taught her. Love hurt and love was sweet and love destroyed. Made you weak but when you were in love you just didn't care. It was worth it to give your heart to someone. And for them to give your heart to you. She understood that. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]On that day it was in the 90's and Ray had taken off his T-shirt to carry it on his shoulder with his hand wrapped around Gracie's waist and him leading her down the trail. Wasn't long until they had noticed that they were very much alone. Sure they're were some wild animals here or there. Might of passed a squirrel once or twice but of human beings there were none to be seen. Gracie turned around and kissed Ray. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]What a surprise that was to him, for her to just up and do it without warning, he thought it kind of went against her word when she had said that she was old fashioned but he soon put that out of his mind and kissed her back. He placed his hand on top her head to move the hair from out of her eyes so that he could see into them. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]He kissed her neck and worked his way back up to her ear, blowing softly into it. Knew that it would just about destroy her. Make her melt. Ray lye on the ground hot and shirtless, sweat running of his sunburned brow and Gracie was on top of him kissing him madly. Her tongue in his mouth and sliding against hers, their rhythms matching. Tongues dancing. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]It wasn't that much later when Gracie started to kiss down his chest and then lower. It was something new for them, she'd never took the chance to go that far before. He wasn't complaining though. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]He ran his hand through her hair, feeling each strain run through his fingers. A silk wonderland. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]She came back up and kissed his neck this time and then she placed her lips on his and sighed. I love you Ray, she had said. And he'd said that he loved her back. Sweet and adoring. Words that were so seductive that they could probably make the clouds rain if you willed them hard enough. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]Wind blew away Rays shirt that he'd lay beside him. He didn't notice as it became covered with leaves. He was paying much more attention to the beautiful young lady that he had the pleasure to be with in that moment. Clouds seeming to vanish as as the sky became darker. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]Being with those you loved in such a beautiful place. Ray thought about that as he kissed Gracie. Thought about what he would give it up for and couldn't think of anything. He didn't think that there was anything that he possibly could want or trade. Life, with all the stress of work and society. To him it was all worth it to just have a chance to be with Gracie. She made him feel move alive than anything else ever did. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier, monospace]March 5th 2008[/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]You feel love and you try to look for the one you belong with or maybe you don't look at all and they find you. Perhaps you live your whole life miserably and alone. You find religion and faith and then you find logic and rationality, some keep with what they're more comfortable with. Others give up altogether. Others still are filled with apathy. [/FONT]

[FONT=Courier, monospace]Some are so miserable that they decide to end their lives. It's too big for them. The world, the struggles, the responsibility. And here I am thinking about it all. My greatest fear is being forgotten and I think maybe if I did something important then I'd leave a peace of me behind. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier, monospace]They got so caught up in themselves in that trail. Maybe going further than they'd meant to go. Because by the end of that day Ray would be a man instead of just a boy and Gracie would be a woman. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]They lied there for a little while afterwards all sweaty and their breathing reseeding back into what it normally was. The moon smiled down at them from above the dark sky. Their backs pressed against the grass and soft leaves, leaving green stains on their skin, natures own memory. A cool breeze ran across their bare chest, making them shiver. They gathered their clothes and dressed and went home. It was the best day of Rays life, having that moment with her. Nothing that came after could compare. They say the first time isn't exactly the best time, and it may be true but it's the most special. The first time that you'd ever pour your heart out for someone. Cry out and scream, a miracle in a world without any. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]They got to Rays car and he drove her home again. [/FONT]
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[FONT=Courier, monospace]March 13th 2008 [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]It's getting hard to breath. I've an oxygen tank beside me but it makes me feel small and useless, to think that I need help to even breathe by myself is terrible and degrading. It terrifies me. It feels as if my brain is turning into mush because it's becoming difficult to think. My thoughts are jumbled and incoherent. [/FONT]

[FONT=Courier, monospace]Sometimes I just want to not open my eyes in the morning. It's so much trouble. I'm just glad that I have my wife to see me through it all. It's a selfish thing to be happy about. I won't be there to see her through whatever may come and it makes me feel so regretful. [/FONT]

[FONT=Courier, monospace]There's days when I wonder why I'm even writing. If it's to keep my thoughts off of me dying or if I'm just a man yelling who wants to be heard. I'm no physiologist and I don't know what makes people do what they do and so I can't even explain what I'm doing. All I know is that I'm the writer and I'm the observer. I go back and read what I write and it's like I'm looking into a window and seeing myself through different eyes. A projection on a movie screen. There's a character in a play that's dying and it's numbing to realize that it's me. [/FONT]


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[FONT=Courier, monospace]Part Two: Eulogy[/FONT]

“[FONT=Courier, monospace]When Ray was with us his spirit soared, and now that he has departed I can't help but to feel that he is still with us. Mostly I know that a part of him lives within me. It wouldn't be right for anyone to say that he was a perfect man because he was not perfect, at least what we as a whole perceive perfect to be, but I know and my heart knows that he was a great man[/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]He soars now even as he lay still in rest. My memories of him and yours will do more for us than we might ever know. When at night I close my eyes I can't help but to think of his calm and rationality and I pray that more of us could adapt to such. I am not a writer, I apologize if what I say should seem scattered and inconsistent and I am sure that there are no words to convey exactly how I feel even if I had the vocabulary, the world over. He was a man who would help you if you were in need. He was a man who would be your friend when you needed one. I think that the most honorable thing to do to preserve his memory is to tell you about him in the most simplest way. Ray, was a good man with a good soul and I loved him. I love him now and tomorrow if and when the world ends I will love him still. Because I know even after death his love for me continues. Ray was a great man. [/FONT]
-----

[FONT=Courier, monospace]She stood straight, her voice strong even as tears streamed slowly from her eyes. She looked ahead towards the blue sky and remembered the first time she had kissed him. 'When you goin kiss me Ray?' she remembered asking him. In that recollection she wished that he had kissed her a bit sooner so that she could have had more time with him. She thought of the lake and how pleasant it would be to take an eternal swim, down to the bottom to search for a soul that had wondered off into a new world. She thought the peaceful water would be her eulogy. [/FONT]


[FONT=Courier, monospace]The End. [/FONT]

 

I like it.

I'm not a writer so I can't offer you a great critique but I really enjoyed it. It was pretty captivating, especially when I started to read into the story part. It was sweet and sad but it also gives hope that relationships can still last. After reading this, I'm finding that so many people getting divorced and splitting up has been bothering me.

Overall, I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for posting!

 

Thank you both, I'm very glad that you've enjoyed reading it and I am thankful for your kind words and comments.

 

I've yet to read, which I will tomorrow, (It's 3am right now) though I will tell you.

I absolutely love this style of writing! I'll have more to say on what you wrote really soon though!

 

Im not a writer either but I appreciate works of Jane Austen and Catherine Coulter where they usually talk about Love and Relationships. And here you are writing about it. I admit some of the words are quite modernized esp. the love making part but still it moved me. Its quite amazing to find persons writing about it. Great work! Hope you'll continue writing amazing stories like this.

 

I tried reading this aloud and posting it on youtube.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jDsYkdnXlwE&feature=player_embedded

so anyway my mic sucks and I read horribly outloud. Anyway.. yeah.