Got Something You Want To Let Out Part 2

I feel like I'm being made a fool of.

 

I hate fickle people. I hate meeting people, having the same people attempt to fuck me over what seems like every other day, ditching them, and then starting the cycle over with others. It's not even as if I'm naive. I must be unlucky or something.

 

Right now, I'm so drunk. But, drunk words = sober thoughts, right?

So here I am, finishing up a bowl of Fruit Loops after a night at the local bar, called Tally Ho, singing some kareoke. I had maybe some 7 beers. I'm not as trashed as I could be, but I'm far from being sober. Anyway, to the point. There's this really cute girl at the bar that I see daily. She has an amazing voice and has some good looks to go along with it. Pretty chill as well since I talked to her a little bit.

So I feel kinda guilty. I am with someone - 4 months strong - but I feel guilty that I'm even talking to another girl or even having thoughts that I'd wanna score with another girl. It's like, wow, just having these thoughts is making me feel bad enough. I'm not ever gonna act on these thoughts, ever, because that's all they are, just thoughts. I think.

I still feel kinda bad. My friend was telling me, "Hey, it's alright." but I dunno. As long as I don't act in a physical way, no harm, no foul. I do love my girlfriend, don't get me wrong, but sometiems I feel I do because I've never been in such a situation before. Sometimes I feel like I'm taking a step back because she's 4 years younger than me. She has a daughter, and sometimes her high school immaturities come out. Other than those things, everything is picture-perfect, but I'm not sure if that's what I want to deal with. After all, I am 21.

I dunno. Maybe I need to sober up and quit thinking with my dick when I see girls at the bar while I'm intoxicated. I have no idea. I really don't. Fuck. I'm drunk. I'm going to bed.

 

It's pretty much over.

 

Derek: Yeah...I know. When I'm with him and I see him often, I trust him. But once he goes away somewhere and I don't hear from him, I freak out. I think it's more of an insecurity about myself rather than not trusting him. I don't know. When I don't hear from him I assume that he just doesn't want to talk to me because I'm not good enough or whatever. I'll be honest though, ever since last June/July when Josh's roommate told me that he was cheating on me, I've definitely had doubts. I just wonder sometimes. But I really need to work on the trust thing. Because it really hurts him. Whenever I doubt him and we get into a thing about it he always ends up crying and afraid that I'm going to break up with him, and that's when I see how real he is. But I tend to really easily forget that when he's somewhere else. At least I don't forget that he loves me...I keep that clear in my head at least. *sigh* Thanks Derek.

Mike: Hey, it happens. No matter how much you love someone or how long you've been together, you WILL think about other people. Even if you never intend on acting on anything, you will think about it. People always check other people out. I do, Josh does, and it's not a big deal. Because we know that we love each other and we're not about to go and chase down some random guy/girl to have a good time, ya know? You're a good guy Mike.

Daniel: What's wrong sweetheart?

Dean: I might be around tonight to chat, if you want to.

Andrea: I've definitely felt like that before. It's not a nice feeling. I'm sorry.

Lots of hugs in this post, haha.

 

Thanks Jen.

Arlene: It's pretty much over with Darcy. I saw her today and that's about it. She said she's confused, needs time to figure out who she is, everything's been building up, sher doesn't know if she's able to handle a relartionship, is doing it because she cares about me, etc etc. We were going to break up, but we ended on a "break". She seemed just as upset as I am, but I don't know.

 

Hugs for all, including myself!!

Dani, I'm sorry to hear that, hopefully she can figure things out and perhaps you can get back together, although that might be awkward...if you wanna talk, I'm here for ye! also you Arlene, I've noticed over the past year we're pretty similar if it comes to relationship thoughts and such, if you want to rant or if you feel bad, I'm there for you as well.


Well this just plain sucks, I had a phonecall from the DLRP Internal Casting telling me there are no places free (then why do you put it on Intranet?!!) so I'ma have to wait until August. I'm going to try for something else, everything's better than the reception at a hotel.

 

Daniel: Ugh, I'm so so sorry to hear that...I really hope it works out between you two. I mean, maybe it's a good thing to take some space to evaluate things and whatnot, but it still hurts. I truly hope that things work out for the best for you.

Marj: Thank you. I think I might take you up on that at some point. I hate when I feel like I'm doubting him about things but sometimes it's just hard NOT to feel that way. Ugh.

 

Hugs for everyone.



I was so tempted to not answer the phone to her today. I havn't spoken to her in 2 months or so apart from wishing her happy birthday via text on monday but I really didn't want to speak to her because I feel as if I'm finally starting to get over her for real. Nevertheless I answered the phone and she was talking to me in tears because she'd had a huge argument with her boyfriend (which is a big deal because he's the first proper serious boyfriend she's had) and that she was scared it was over.

I don't have a fucking clue why she's come to me to talk about it because, while we might be close, she's alot closer with many other people. If that wasn't screwing my mind up enough she said to me in these exact words "I just wish someone could love me as much as you do"...You've gotta be shittin' me. There's near enough no possibility of us ever being together, I know it, she's made it clear she doesn't feel the same way as I feel for her and I know it wouldn't work out anyway because she lives about 400 miles away...so why the fuck would she go and say that. Time to slip into insanity again.

 

Is this that girl from Ireland?

 

None other.

 

Hm. I don't know what to say in the way of advice. Right now I know how you feel though, girls not being able to make their minds up about that sort of thing and so on.

 

When she said what she said I didn't sense any implication that she wanted to be with me so it's not really a matter of her not being able to make up her mind. It's just that was such a powerful thing to say to me because I know love as a term is an increadibly important thing to her...it felt good to know she felt comfortable enough to say it to me but at the same time it's probably the last thing in the world that I wanna hear right now because I know it's just gonna stall the process of me moving on from her once and for all and it wasn't exactly an "I love you" in return.

It's ridiculous...we were never even together and yet I feel as if we were in a long term relationship sometimes because the drama, emotions and awkwardness never cease.

 

Thanks mom.

Because I'm not an "adult" Therefore, my judgment is as terrible as a fucking 3 year old that would go for candy, right?

Ugh.

 

I'm sorry man hope things get better for you. but reading this post was scary because my ex said basically the same thing. That she wished she could find someone like me who loved her just as much.

 

I'm sorry

I'm a girl and I can admit that we sometimes do that for the same "emotional impulses" we have. I feel like, even though she acknowleges the fact you really like her and are a good friend to her, she considers you as just a friend and maybe even a relationship that never came true because of the distance issue like you mentioned.

Sometimes, when it comes to long distance relationships either of the two might feel like if he/she gets commited to a relationship 400 miles away then they might be commited to something unreal and really far off of the reality they are both facing. That's why, she might really like you and is a good friend to you back but apparently she doesn't want to commit herself to someone that she'd barely see and it's better for her to not even try to work it out because girls are very emotional when it comes to this thing.

I hope I kinda helped you to see this issue in a different way? And that it might feel you better because in reality, there's nothing really you could do to change the way she feels. But you really are good person by putting your feelings aside and having the guts to answer the phone and try to help her in her love issues when you are in love with her. I give you all my respect for that because I can't do that.

Just hang in there and just remember what they said, "What doesn't kill you makes you stronger".

 

Now that I'm sober...

I know what you mean, but I really don't know. I think my major issue is her brother. In short, me and him used to be really good friends. When me and his sister started hanging out, he was a little wierd about it but eventually warmed up to it, or so I thought. The reason why he's mad at me and claims that he "hates" me is because I don't like his fiance'. I didn't argue or make a scene, I jsut simply deleted her from my MySpace and Facebook and left it at that. Ever since then, he's been a prick towards his sister. Little things, too. For instance, her step-sister asked her if she was going to prom, and her brother replied, "She isn't going. She has no one to take her anyway." Shit like that, whcih in my mind, is totally unacceptable.

Anyway, I just believe it's getting to me. Plus the fact shes younger than me and has a kid still bothers me a little bit. I really don't know. I just don't. Maybe another reason why I egt these thoughts is because I can't bring her to the bar with me or anything, and that's where I've been going a lot lately.

I dunno. I'll re-evaluate, let it ride, and not jump to any conclusions.

 

I understand. You DO have a lot of things to consider in terms of the relationship. If I were dating someone younger than me with a kid, I'd be a little freaked out about it too. I don't know if I would even consider dating them but yeah. I mean, if she's worth the effort and putting up with her brother then run with it hon, but if you think it isn't going anywhere, and you're pushing for nothing and you aren't happy...well, you get it.

And haha, about the prom, I'm in the same boat as her. Josh is too old by a year to take me. So I'm not going because all my friends have dates and I'll just end up being a 3rd or 5th or some odd-numbered wheel. Oh well. Next year, for Senior prom, I think Josh will still be around and I actually want to go next year, so my mom said that she'll see if we can bend the rules for him (my mom works at the school), because next year we'll have been together for 3 years so yeah. Little ramble.

But yeah, it does sound like you gotta kinda re-evaluate and think about things. Take care hon. <3