Got Something You Want To Let Out Part 2

Oh Nick. I'm not really sure what to say to you in terms of advice, because you already have that bit under control. You know that you want to make it better, and that you want to be stronger than it, and that's what you have to do.

You can always PM me.

 

I had similar problems when I was doing my GCSEs (that's the last two years of school here, from 15-17), albeit in different contexts and probably not quite to the same extent physically. I'm not sure how I got over it but I did for the most part. It can be done. I know it can be hard but you probably ought to confide in one or two people at least, if you haven't already. See a doctor or a councillor.

 

Nick, I believe you can use your inner strength to deal with all these! I'm sure you can!! Just believe in yourself and take the right decisions!
;-)


Sending good vibes to all of you guys and girls!

 

Fucking great.

They planned me in to work from 15:00-23:00. I have to travel in the metro at least an hour. At night there are creeps hanging around in the metro.

Just when I found a job. Fuckinlfkhflfshsgjkksgskgjssbcbqscjvkkv <

 

Maybe one of your collegues can drive you back.

 

my life is boring & empty, i feel like a zombie. i fucking hate it all.

 

I'm sorry to hear that. =(


__________________________


I really need to find something to do to get me out of this shitty state of mind.

 

I can bet.
She's doing better than I am.
And finding someone else, or found.

Grah.

 

Man. I have a new girlfriend and for some reason feel like crap. People probably don't remember, but my fired girlfriend seemed to change her mind of me so suddenly. I am fucking terrified of this happening. And it is silly, she likes me a lot, and if anything I'll ruin things with my insecurities again. I don't know what to think, I get worried or upset over every little thing it seems right now. I am comfortable around her so far, but then worry weighs on my mind in her absence.

And half of it is wondering if she is right for me, if she will provide the future I want. And what if she got pregnant? I feel like a moron just trusting her and the pill when we've known each other a week.

She's spontaneous and impulsive, both good and bad things, and the bad worries me. She likes to travel a lot, drank a lot before she met me, and is more emotional than rational. All of these opposites to me.

I promised not to let insecurities beat me again, but I get so tempted to ask her a tonne of questions. I wonder if she has ever had a moment of doubt yet, or if I am projecting my doubts, potentially stemming from my own insecurities, onto her to help alleviate them.

I also trusted her about being STD free. I mean, I don't have any reason to believe she was lying, but man. This is stuff I should advice others about not doing, not stuff I actually do myself.

I'm so fucking lucky right now, but to quote a Bright Eyes song:

"You see, sorrow gets too heavy and joy it tends to hold you
With the fear that it eventually departs"

Once again, I have something to lose.

Hopefully my recognition of this fact doesn't once again lead that potential to become reality.

 

fuck them, seriously.

 

Johnny!

 

I miss him too much...

 

You sound a lot like me. Once you're not with them, you immediately have insecurities. What I do...I just think to myself that he's worth it, he loves me, and to live in the moment. Trust her, and don't think too far into the future, because if you do that you may never find out if you could have had one with her, because she may not be looking into the future right now.

As for the sexual part, well, for a year I wasn't on ANY birth control, and I was fine. Risky, yes, but ya know. Now I'm on the pill and I've been fine. As for the STD's, as you said, you have no reason to NOT trust her, so, trust her. She wouldn't lie about something like that, unless she doesn't know for real and just told you what you wanted to hear. But I highly doubt she would do that, because it's a serious thing.

If you ever need someone to talk these things over, I have experience with it, ha, and you can always PM me. I hope things work out!

 

I really need to grow up (in more than one sense of the word), and fast..

 

Oh thankgod everything's fixed.

I would also like to say that all my colleages and manager, I <3 theeeeem. They're so incredibly nice and sweet and understandable. It's so cliché but it really is magical. o.o

 

*sigh*

It's hard to get over it.

 

i miss being a kid, life sucks now.

My dad was alive, my grandma was alive.. my sister was less of a douche (she still is though) at least she wasn't married. my mom wasn't sick..

fuck i hate it all now.

 

I've taken a turn for the worse. I've been put on suicide watch.
He stayed with me last night as he saw how my wrists were. He rocked me to sleep and he told me everything was going to be okay. I just can't see everything. I've lost my identity, I shake uncontrollably, I can't stop hyperventalitating. How can he see that everything is not going to be okay? Am I alone? He said if I did again he would take me to the hospital.

 

I'm happy.

I finally went to one of those stupid ass five hour course for driving, so that I could sign up for my road test, which is at the end of this month . After that I was going over to work, but the rain canceled the show and then Josh texts me and says "I bet there's no show...I want to see you." So we hung out, I finally saw his appt, which, to be honest, is not bad at all. The street is sketchy, as is the on-street parking, but once you actually get into the appt building, it's...nice. It's a good sized appt, with hardwood floors and it doesn't have that smell of an old appt. It smells new and feels clean. I'm happy he found a decent place. I just feel kinda bad because he said he's so lonely being the only one there...but I can't help that.

So he came over after that, and we picked up chinese food for my family, and my sisters, Josh and I watched Aladdin together, to remember the good ole days. He sang all of the songs. But it was a lot of fun. And my mom asked if he just wanted to stay over, which he did, and he's dropping me off to work this morning.

As for a weird happening last night...my best friend from elementary school up until 9th grade called me last night and said that she wanted to hang out. Doesn't sound weird, but it is. In 9th grade out friendship went down in a huge heap of shit, things to do with her lying about her father beating her, her boyfriend being an ass hole, her boyfriend threatening my mothers life, etc, and it all lead to a strained relationship between us, and we grew apart, and I hadn't talked to her for real since then. Two years ago. And then she RANDOMLY calls and just wants to...hang out. I was 90% sure that she needed someone to save her. To come pick her up and give her a place to stay, because that's happened before. But it was just so random and unexpected, but it made me happy. I'm glad that she's willing to open up to my family again. We were ALL so close to Catie, she wasn't just my best friend, but one of the family. I'm glad that she's coming back to us.

All in all, I'm happy.