Got Something You Want To Let Out Part 2

to Bandwagan/Rachel/Arlene

He said a couple of things that really came to me last night. He said that the only reason why I haven't been charged with assault and theft (I've done some out of control stuff towards him and so has he) is because he felt like he was half to blame as well. He said he wouldn't take a mentally unstable person to court, in which I am, I'm mentally unstable. I have these sudden mood changes where the littliest of things can spark me off and the cops will eventually be called. Now out of the 7 months that we had been together, I wouldn't expect the pregnancy to come right now. There had been various scares in my life but never so serious in my life as this. I'm in a situation where I'm attending therapy to try and help me. Another thing he said that if it was him putting an AVO out against me, it would be me putting an AVO against him because he felt like we were going to snap and that I would be the one injured. I asked him if he ever loved me (because he said once that he could never feel love and that he didn't love me) and he said yes, the stable me. Now what I am angry about also, is a) the people I board with's secretary woke me up for no reason grr b) I've been accused of breaking into his house when I was legally accepted into his house by his flatemate's bf that day (outta many that's on the AVO). I looked at his witness report myself and there's nothing of that sort, cops are liars! Grr. c) I'm not looking forward to today having coffee with him, because I feel like he wants to get back together with me and I don't want that to happen as much at the same time I want that to happen, I don't wanna go back to having a relationship with that guy, there were just too many fights and thus, we broke up. But I'm having it hard to even being friends with that guy, I think I should just lower his status down to an acquintance.

 

I find out today that my uncle has another wife, and I have a 12 year old cousin.



The same uncle who was going to adopt me with his "original" wife.


This really doesn't help me with my depression.

 

i only want one thing for my birthday..

 

How about, I adopt you.

And <long story short> the end.

It'll be alright in the end, hopefully.

 

Another thing I find out today?

My father was called in. He is getting laid off work.

 

Hugs for Aisha, Johnny, and DS. <3

DS: I think you should hear him out. Yeah, he proved himself a jerk, but if he's willing to support you, you might want him on your side.

 

Well today I kudos myself for not getting physically angry with him. It was in the middle of the shopping centre. I don't know wtf came over me, I just wanted to lose control over what was being said. I know it wasn't anything major being said, but I just found myself getting angry all of a sudden. I talked to someone on the phone about what's been happening and they told me to take this test at the doctor's to determine if I have severe bipolar/schizphrenia. I was like schizaphrenia? wtf? I ain't seeing shit all. And they said if I have been eating a lot lately, and I'm like "more than ever! I have a gut on me!" And they were like it is a sign.

As much to my own disgust what was said today, I am partly to blame for getting angry, but I stood my ground I did not lose self control at all. I'm really happy that I didn't. He said that he's retracting the AVO and therefore, for me to prove to him (I can't believe it myself I found myself sucking up to the guy, by all means, I'm trying to get the guy off my back about the AVO) that I will not harm him/myself.

We're drawing up an agreement with the help of a therapist of course Something like this -

I, Sarah W&(^%*&(&^, will not attack Daniel in any verbal or physical way. If I do so Daniel needs to take these steps to help Sarah retain her calmness -
a) If I get violent or aggressive in both verbal/physical manner, I lose privilages
b) If I don't get violent or agressive in both verbal/ physical manner, I earn privilages
c) I give permission to Daniel if I get violent for to Daniel physically restrain me if I am is "provoked" to attack him physically but doing so he is not allowed to get the police involved
d) Losing privilages will eventually result in the AVO going though
e) Gaining privilages will eventually result in the AVO not going through
f) I am not allowed to damage or steal any of Daniel's property
g) If I do, I lose privilages
h) I will not harm myself with any objects
i) I will not start nasty rumours about Daniel

I feel like a little kid, but I have to do it. I am the one to blame after all because I was the one who physically attacked him with a screw driver after all in the first place.
I think his goes along the lines of

I Daniel Humphris will not attack Sarah in any verbal or physical way. I need to take these steps to make sure she is okay mentally and physically (because she's been asking for it from day one!!)
a) When Sarah is angry I must talk her out of it calmly
b) I do not deliberately provoke Sarah
c) I will not get the police involved because it sends her pyscho when the police arrive
d) I do not wish to get back together with her (I tried to put this one in but he wouldn't allow it, damn therapist!!)
e) I will not steal or damage Sarah's property
f) I will cooperate with her in the best manner possible
g) I do not wish for Sarah to end up in jail because of me
h) I will not forgive myself if she ends up hurting herself because of me

There's some alteration needed badly in those, BUT I am getting help (admit it, I'm outta whack right now) and I am seeking advice. I didn't swear nor did I cause I scene today. I hate to say it, but in his right mood and mind, he is a good guy. We're both fucked up and this has been demonstrated throughout time.

My damn sister keeps trying to contact me. I think my whole damn family's concerned for me right now. It's nice, but I haven't even told Imogen of the latest development and that's saying something. I rather discuss it in words than verbally as I know I'll lose self control and do something stupid that I might end up regretting.

 

I hope so too. It sort of reminded me of what happened with Andrea's dad.

Thanks dear.

 

thanks Arlene

 

ugh god, am so freakin pissed right now .. i don't even know why i bothered in the first place ..

fuck it ..

 

what happened?

 

Bothered with what?

 

i really don't wanna talk about it, sorry ..

 

That's completely fine, whatever it is I hope it works out for you

 

i don't really see that happenin anytime soon, but thanks dean ..

 

fuck it. destiny does not want me to get in touch with her. i'm done.

 

And sorry about that John. If you really feel like that I guess it's best to try and get over her for now.

 

yeah i will, i have to.

today i even went to the hall in her building but nothing...

oh well, rebuilding mode starts now.

 

I miss him.

 

Oh man... I always have the fear of not achieving anything on my shoulders.

Ever since I fucked up my very first semester of High school last year (Freshman year) It's all been downhill. I totally fucked my freshman year over and am retaking a lot of classes that I should have passed.
(Gym etc..) and with moving and hating my current school, it doesn't make it any easier. I miss my good friends to all hell, and in this small ass school I already know who everyone is and nobody compares. All that plus whenever I wake up I feel like dying, I get sick in school all the time and have to go home and Miss MORE classes, like Nausea, Diarrhea or Vomiting (so far, most common) in the bathroom for no damn reason except for my stomach being completely terrible. I'm far too skinny and run out of breath fast, even though I do eat a lot but I have a fast metabolism that I can't eat whole meals at a time (I can but slowly) so I snack throughout the day on carrots and various things

I can't even drink water or it makes me puke at school, this causes me to not eat breakfast at all so I can make it through the day. It feels completely backwards and I am not getting the simplest of work done.

As soon as I step out of the school I feel better but I still always feel so sick. I've been eating healthier but it doesn't seem to go away. I wake up, force myself to shower and get ready and once I'm at school my life turns into a 7 hour survival challenge so I can get my work, my attendance in, then get out of there as fast as possible after school.

I just want to turn all of this around, I know i'm better than this. I'm tired of the looks I get and questions.
They think I skip school, If only they knew that's the last thing I would WANT to do.