So. I'm on page 477. And there are SPOILERS AHEAD Like... what the fuck is up with Bella getting pregnant? At first I thought it was lame, and then it was cute, and then it was wicked lame again. But now it's funny that Jacob imprinted on Renesme. But I wanted him to imprint on Leah =[ Also, I was expecting a more detailed account of the wedding. I actually like Jacob in this book. I like him better than Edward, actually. What the fuck happened, ahaha. And Bella is adorable as the newborn vampire. Holy crap. On another note...does anyone think so far that the story seems a little rushed? Like Stephanie didn't put enough detail or explanation into the storylines in this one? Like in New Moon, the story line almost dragged, but it explained everything. This one seems kinda OH LOOKEY LOOKEY HOW MUCH I CAN FIT INTO ONE BOOK. It's like Harry Potter 7 so far. I'm still excited for Midnight Sun. More when I finish the book. EDIT- SO I WANT MY MONEY BACK BECAUSE THIS BOOK FUCKING SUCKED. Just...gahd.
FULL REVIEW. Ok. So, yeah. It's gonna be in invisible text because of SPOILERS. The Twilight series was almost the second coming of Harry Potter. Think about it: an awkward teenager enters a world of fantasy, terror, the supernatural, and befriends a shapeshifter with the last name Black. Coincidence? Meh probably. Either way, Twilight knocked Harry Potter out of its glorious throne as the best selling young adult's novel. It seemed that this up and coming author, Stephanie Meyer, had the potential to become this generation's JK Rowling. And were we ever disappointed. Breaking Dawn can be described in various manners, but the TwiHards have used the best descriptions on their Facebook flair and their Myspaces: "EPIC. FAILURE." "Where is Ashton Kutcher to tell us that we got Punk'd?" "I got my 14.48 back. Eff that." "What the fuck was that?!" You get the point. For those who don't know, Twilight is the first book in the saga of Isabella Swan and her whorish love triangle with Mary-Sue vampire Edward Cullen, and the immature werewolf Jacob Black. However, as we see, they all have flaws: Bella is "average looking" and a klutz who can't make up her damn mind on anything, and is angst. Edward Cullen, despite his astonishing good looks and his brilliance, falls for the dumb ho and is the biggest hypocrite known to man. "I can't be with you, it's not safe. So instead I'm gonna sit in your room for a month and watch you sleep like the creep you are." And Jacob is infamous for his immaturity and sexual harassment. He forced Bella to kiss him twice, I think. Isn't that illegal? So we finally go through the bullshit that is Twilight, and New Moon in which Edward has a moment of clarity and leaves Bella, and then Eclipse in which Bella has led Jacob on for so long, she goes OH BTW I'M ENGAGED TO THE VAMPIRE L8R. And yet there was something still about the books that we adored, despite knowing that we should like something much better written. And then the 754 page abomination, the fanfiction that Stephanie Meyer stole from some 12 year old kid, known as Breaking Dawn, was released at 12:00 AM August 2nd here in America. I showed up at 12:00 to the midnight release party. The prepubescent screams as the countdown rolled on made me wish for the days of N*Sync, when these screams made sense. I got my copy, went home, and started reading. It started off pretty cool, like most jackass books do. I was excited with Bella actually going through the marriage. I was excited for the honeymoon. And then things went downhill. First off...Edward should have established a safe word for Bella, if she was going to wake up the next morning with bruises covering her body, feathers in her hair from the two pillows Edward bit through and wood missing from Esme's bed frame. Goddamnit Bella, say banana if it's too much. But of course not for Bella, because she asks him to do it again. Ho. So all of a sudden, Bella has a strange craving for eggs, and doesn't get her period. OMG VAMPIRE BABY. Excuse me, wait a minute. I thought once you became a vampire, all bodily functions cease, according to Stephanie. If this is true, HOW CAN HE EJACULATE AND HAVE WORKING SPERM TO MAKE A CHILD. CONSISTANCY...DYING...GAHD. So here's strike one. Strike two is the fact that it's an accelerated pregnancy. In the course of a week, the baby matures 3 months, give or take a month. By a week old, the baby is talking in full sentences. Yeah no. Strike 3 is the fact that Bella has to drink blood through a sippy cup to maintain her health during the pregnancy. Really?! A sippy cup? Strike 4 is the horridness. Bella goes into OMG SPEWING BLOOD OUT OF EVERY ORIFICE mode when the baby decides to detach itself from the placenta. So Edward must finally turn her into a vampire. BUT NOT UNTIL HE HAS TO CHEW ON BELLA'S UTERUS TO GET THE BABY OUT. HER UTERUS. THAT'S IN HER VAGINA. HE HAS TO STICK HIS HEAD UP HER VAJAY TO GET TO THAT. HOW DOES THAT WORK. IT DOESN'T. ADD 2 MORE STRIKES. So they finally get the baby out and Bella turns into a vampire and all of a sudden, she's no longer Bella. SHE'S MARY SUE. She's perfect and shiny and cannot be flawed. She can resist the smell of human blood! She's beautiful and glittery and powerful and ugh. Give me a break. Oh, it gets better. JACOB IMPRINTS ON THE BABY, which has been named RENESMEE CARLIE. RENESMEE. Somewhere, Albus Severus Potter isn't being made fun of anymore. The ending is the worst. The Volturi come to kill Renesmee, since vampire children aren't allowed, but WAIT. She's a hybrid! And there are others! And they have a heart beat and mature! And they aren't venomous! So what do the Volturi do? "Oh. Our bad. Peace." ...THAT'S IT?! THE END IS JUST AN "oops our bad?" And then the book ends with Edward and Bella having some more sex. What the hell. I want my money back. Or I want Stephanie to come out and say "LOL JK." But it won't happen. And what a horrible end to an awesome series. Can't we just say it's a trilogy?
I'm holding off reading Rachel's spoiler because eventually I want to read it myself.. but if it is really that bad, maybe I shouldn't go out of my way to get my own copy tomorrow. Hell, maybe I should just wait for it to show up at the library..
That was the most amazing review I've ever read. It was hilarious. Now I'm not going to waste my money on the series like I'd planned.
Rachel I must be the only person in the world who read your Review (without reading the last one yet) and be able to say. SWEET! Makes me wanna read it even more. Doesn't sound shitty at all to me, Sure it's dumb when you think about Actual fact but..really..its all fiction. And for some reason Spoilers make me want to read books even more. I guess I'm weird. But I get mine tomorrow..woot.
That's how I am. I read all the plot summaries for the Harry Potter series before I ever read the books. It only made me want to read the books more.
When I know what will happen, And I read the point at which it does I get this HUGE feeling of Satisfaction and just feel really cool and good like HOLY SHIT ITS HAPPENING!, RIGHT FUGGIN NOW!, I JUST READ IT!
I'm still reading it because I'm trying to make it last. I really thought I wouldn't like it but I think it's good so far. But from that review up there somewhere, this part made me BUT NOT UNTIL HE HAS TO CHEW ON BELLA'S UTERUS TO GET THE BABY OUT. HER UTERUS. THAT'S IN HER VAGINA. HE HAS TO STICK HIS HEAD UP HER VAJAY TO GET TO THAT. HOW DOES THAT WORK. IT DOESN'T. ADD 2 MORE STRIKES.
It hurt, didn't it? I kept reading thinking that at one page it was going to say LOL JK HERE'S THE REAL ENDING. but no. it didn't happen. =[
it hurt like you wouldn't believe, it was very funny because i agreed completely with everything you said. When i was reading BD, before i read your reviews, something hit me i thought "OH WAIT!! DON'T TELL ME JACOB IS GONNA BE WITH RENESME?! and i saw your review and i went " FUCK FUCK FUCK" There's so many wrong things with this book, i don't even know where to start. Isle Esme?? Bella pregnant?? *throws up* someday i'm going to finish the book, i don't know when, Stephenie Meyer was clearly drunk when she published BD, the real BD is sitting at her desk
I'm reading Breaking Dawn now.. and so far I don't have a problem with it. I'm on page 145. It's just.. definitely different than the other books. And Lord Johnny you should probably make your text invisible. I already read that part, but still.