Got Something You Want To Let Out Part 2

Yeah, so one of my friends died last night, along with his fiance, a 15 year old girl and another girl I didn't know. We weren't best friends, but we talked alot when I saw him online on MySpace, and he was my only friend in the math class I had him in.

They were mudding (if you don't know, it's where you basically take an off-road truck and just drive in mud) and apparently they got stuck in a mudhole. I guess Josh called someone to come pull him out (there's alot of kids around here that suit up their trucks specially for pulling people out of mudholes) and there was something wrong with his exhaust pipe, and I guess apparently they died in Josh's truck of carbon monoxide inhalation, waiting for someone to come pull them out.

rest in peace, buddy. i barely got to know you. atleast you're up in that big gig in the sky with the girl you loved.

 

Those 4chan fuckers.

I'm sorry to hear that, Casey. That's a sad way to go, especially at a young age.

 

Wow, I'm extremely sorry to hear that Casey, It's completely awful.

I doubt it was people on 4Chan. I don't go there really. lol. It's weird because the people were explaining to me how the person acted, and well it described my mom pretty well, but I don't know how that could be because she was gone, and is still gone and hasn't been home sense, and the only way she could have known my passwords is if she has recording programs on my computer that makes logs, which she has no fucking right to do, since I'm 20 and well to put it simply it's not really her business. It was my yahoo, my aim, and my msn that this suppose person has "hacked" but.. if it's what I'm thinking then, even though I changed my passwords it won't help, and neither will getting new addresses.

 

I'm happier than I've ever been in my life.

 

Finally!

 

I might give the national exams again next year...

 

I'm sorry to hear that Casey. May he rest in peace.


Arlene, I don't know what to say. I just hope you'll get an honest answer eventually.

 

I feel overwhelmed over all this guilt..

 

explain, maybe it'd help take it off your shoulders?

 

It's stupid.

My friends Anna and Sara.. they have this huge thing about me taking medicine. I take ADD medicine, and they're natural medicine freaks. So they don't like that I take it.

At one point I was taking Adderall, and I didn't realize it but it was making me have random bad mood swings and without knowing it I would sometimes say something mean or bad to my friend Sara. She got offended, and told me that if I wanted to stay friends with her I had to stop taking it because it was altering my moods too much. So I stopped, but without it I could barely concentrate in school, I slept all the time, and my attention span was crap. So I started a new ADD medicine and specifically asked for one that didn't give me mood swings. I decided not to tell Sara or Anna I was taking it.

Recently Anna came over, and decided to trick me into to saying I still took Adderall. This was out conversation:

Anna: "Hey, do you have any Adderrall left over?"
Me: "Why?"
Anna: "I was just wondering if I could like.. have one.."
Me: "No. You don't wanna take that Anna."
Anna: "Why?"
Me: "Because it messes you up. Trust me. And besides, Sara would kill me."
Anna: "So you still have some then though?"
Me: "Yeah I do, my parents keep all the medicines we have whether we take them or not."
Anna: "Why?"
Me: "I dunno, they just do."

It was bothering me how persistent she was being, so I asked her about it later and she said she only asked all of that because she wanted to know if I was still taking it. So she tried to trick me. I told her I felt like I was being analyzed by her and Sara all the time, and no matter what I did I couldn't receive their trust. I promised I wouldn't take Adderrall because I knew I had hurt Sara. Anna told me her and Sara were worried to death about me because they know the long term affects of medicines and how it can affect me, and I told her I didn't believe in that.

Now.. I understand if they're worried I suppose but I'm not hurting them in anyway. And I don't understand why they have to make it their business. I know this argument sounds stupid, but you have no idea how much it bothers me.

But today is why I'm really sad, because they wanted to hang out with me today and I said yes. But later my Dad told me I had a Doctor's appointment to get my new bottle of medicine. I was scared because I didn't know what to tell Anna, so I had to lie to her and say I had to clean since my aunt was coming this weekend. She is actually coming, but not until Saturday and my Mom isn't that freaked about the house yet. It bothers me though that I had to actually lie somewhat to make sure I don't get criticized for what I believe in.

Do I sound crazy in any way..? I can't tell. Ugh, my stomach is in knots.

 

Thanks Marj. I just really hope that he does something to make this right, somehow.

Tomorrow is supposed to be our one year anniversary.

 

Anya: You don't sound crazy in anyway, I used to take ADD medicine when I was younger ( 4th grade ), and that stuff does mess up your emotions. It also used to give me a mood swings too, I took Ritalin, and thought it helped, the mood swings were not worth it. ( Took me about a year and a half to realize that Ritalin was causing my mood swings)

Back to your point; Your friend's are worried, but thats what good friends do, when their friend is sick, or worried about their health. It feels really...not fun to be around your friends when you think, or they are, Analyzing you. But they worried as you said, and their cautious because they know what Adderrall did to you before, and probably think that if you were to take a different one, it'd be the same mood swinging effects.

It sucks to lie to your friends, especially so you wont be criticized, but sometimes, just taking a little for the truth should happen, you get more insight on their opinion, though it seems you have Way enough of it It might be a good Idea that you tell them your taking new Medication, and that you've honestly asked one, that doesn't have the mood swing effects, and how this new medicine Really helps you live day by day Be honest with them, and if they freak out, try to explain how you wouldn't be able to easily get by on a daily basis.

I hope that helped, I'm trying to figure out what I said there, I just said whatever came into my mind
hope you feel better too.

 

Don't listen to your friends, first of all. You're your own person, and they can't control you. Second, Adderral has NEVER shown any bad long term effects. Who are they to tell you what you should and shouldn't take, anyway? At least Adderral, and all those other things have proven that they work, in some cases. Natural medicine has still not been proven, most of the time. If the medicine helps you, take it. Don't listen to them.

I had friends who did that once, when I was taking Straterra, and then Concerta and Focalin, and I didn't listen to them, because they worked for me, and nothing bad was happening.

Aw... Again, I'm really sorry you have to be in this situation. It's not fair.

 

Yeah right now I'm taking Focalin, and I feel great on it. No mood swings, no rapid weight loss (surprisingly, because that's supposed to be a main side effect.. I guess it just doesn't affect me somehow.) and it really helps me concentrate. Adderrall definitely helped me focus more than that one, but I do agree that it did give me some problems.

Anyway, thank you Maverik and 11DollarsGuy. I really appreciate it.

@Maverik: Yeah I understand they I worried.. but at the same time, I'm tired of being badgered about it. I think it's stupid how they make medicine come between friendship. I've never had this problem with anyone in my life, it just baffles me. I stopped taking Adderrall for my best friend. What more do they want? Honestly. It's just kind of like.. leave me the hell alone, I'm trying to be a better friend to them now. I haven't done a single thing since I was on Adderrall to offend them or bother them. I feel uncomfortable to even take a baggie of my medicine if I spend the night at their house.

And yeah, I don't want to lie. I felt horrible about it all day, I try to make a point to NEVER lie to my friends. But I was sick of the constant prodding.. so I just had to lie. I wanted to be treated normally, and I honestly don't think that's too much to ask. But yeah, thank you for your advice though. But I don't feel like I want to tell them I'm taking medicine though still. I told my parents that I wish to keep my medical history a private matter, and they understood.

@11DollarsGuy: Thankyou. Makes me feel better to know I'm not the only one who thinks that. I told them I don't believe in natural medicines. I was brought up differently, especially since my mother is an SLD teacher and is the one who helped to get me diagnosed as ADD when I was a child. My Dad is ADD as well. I don't understand how some people can scoff at something like ADD.. I know plenty of people who do that, but honestly they don't know what the hell they're talking about unless they actually have it themselves.

I agree though, and I would like them to get out of my personal business so I'm going to try as hard as I can to just ignore them if they bring it up again. I mean, they're still my friends.. no matter how stupid they may be sometimes, I love them to death.

Thank you both.

 

In my drunken stupor last night, I left a comment on a girl's wall on Facebook telling her we needed to hang out. She sort of agreed to it, and asked me if next week would be alright since she's on vacation right now.

I decided to admit to her that I was a little (read: very) drunk when I left her that comment, but that if she still wanted to hang out, I'd be down with that. I told her any time good for her is probably a time good for me too.

The worst part about all this is that she's the same girl I wrote 85% of all my old lyrics and poems about. I still think she's amazing and would love to have something with her, but there's no way that's ever going to happen.

I'll stick with being happy that she actually seems to want to hang out though.

 

After so many years of Tradition...Having my favorite Cousins come up for the 4th of July and having the time of my life hangin out with them cause the adults are at a cottage on the lake leaving us the house, Then suddenly We move, everything's jumbled and Tradition ends. I'm stuck here at my dads for a large chunk of the summer. The 4th of July is just another day to me now, And I really hate that. I would like to at LEAST be with some friends and have a good time but No. Stuck at my dads.

Ehhhh Man.

 

I sometimes wonder if it's better to not read the news anymore. Everything is so fucked up and so many people are completely insane. Like just now, a 23 year old woman stabbed a 27 year old pregnant woman to death, just so she could cut the baby out of the womb. Or a 15 year old boy raping a 9 year old girl. It's heartbreaking, isn't it? I'm tired of reading things like that, it makes me cry, it makes me think the end is near.

 

So Josh texted me this morning at 1:30. He said, "Happy kinda one year... I love you, whether you believe me or not."

Not how I imagined our one year anniversary to be. At least I was on his mind, I guess.

 

Now it sounds like he's trying to make you feel like the guilty one. I'm not saying that's what he's doing, but that's what it sounds like to me.

I've got a friend who's more or less a womanizer and he was a champ at making girls feel guilty and then they'd do stuff with him only for him to hurt them again. It got to the point where I called him out one day in front of a girl he was doing it to and it dawned on her what was going on. Straight out of a scene from a movie, she slapped him and scoffed away.

It's not worth it.