Got Something You Want To Let Out Part 2

I don't want to come off as a total pig, but this drought I'm having is really starting to fuck with me. I'm in dire need of some physical (and emotional) intimacy. Trouble is, I'm always relegated to the "friend zone" with the women
I meet, and they never seem to look at me as anything else but a friend. It's bullshit.

 

So............ Yeah everything is going alright. My ups and downs. of course, but everything is going somehow great. Idk, I've been just kinda thinking on what has happened lately around me.

Starting off with my cutting treatments, which I keep going to my mettings and everytime I'm done with one of these meetings, I just keep getting even more dissapointed on myself. I never thought I would be so stupid to cut, but yes, it happened. I did it more than just 5 times. I'm not ashamed of it, but it's a mistake I have came to learn from. At least my family is a little better with me and my cuttings and I haven't done it for 2 months, which it's when I started the whole meetings thing. BTW, thank you Kevin, once again, for that night when we were talking and convinced me to talk to my parents about it <3

Then, the band. The band is been kinda like my "distraction" from my cuttings and family stuff. Although, it's been great. I love hanging out with Mike, Anderson, Julian and Nick. But it's pissing me off how girls describe me as a "tomboy" now. You know what? Just fuck you. I'm really sorry I'm in a band playing drums with 4 guys. Just fuck you. I love what I do, I love this band. And I don't expect for us to get all famous out of nothing when I know there are MILLION OF BANDS outta there who might be better than us, but I have fun. And I would do ANYTHING just to be with these guys. If you think I'm turning into a tomboy or anything, so let it be and I'd be a fucking tomboy just to piss you off. Trust me, I've been through the whole cheerleading drama cuz guess what, I was a fucking cheerleader. And I don't regret it at all. I would do it anytime again, but I love the band even more than just having a mini skirt all day long and being called a slut multiple times by people who are dumb and stereotype. Anyways.... Just let me be whatever I want to be. As for my band, we are just taking a break right now cuz it was Christmas, but we are thinking on making our 1st EP. Although, we are not sure cuz we want to be into the whole "still having fun with the band" phase a little bit longer before we make big steps. YCKABNO, ftw =D

School. School is been good. I'm still being a good student after all. My parents are very proud on that, but IB is getting harder and now they are pressuring us to start thinking about the colleges we want to go. It's tough. It's not a simple decision you make, but I'm trying to keep my head on my shoulders and make a good decision about the college/university I want to go. For now, I'm thinking medicine. I'm thinking Oxford. But I'm really really really thinking about it, we'll see about that though.

About my personal life. What can I say? I've been now in a 2 month-relationship with Mike (He's in the band), and it's been awesome. He's just great. He keeps surprising me everyday that goes by, and he sure has proven to me that he loves me. So yup, that's all I got to say about that <3 =)

Mmmm... This post was not to complain at all, just typing out what's going through my mind....
Anywho, I'm done =).

 

I don't really know what to say, Ori. We haven't talked in a while, so I didn't
know about the cutting, or anything. I'm sorry for whatever you went through
to make you do that. You're a great person who deserves to have a happy life, and I'm glad you're working your way through those problems.

Good luck with everything.

 

Oh, thanks Tim
Idk... I never really talked about it but with a few ppl. I just don't see the point of talking about it anymore. But I really appreciate it though <3
And thank you.

<3

 

I agree. I have alot of girlfriends....but not one girlfriend . So I definitely know where you're coming from. It really is bullshit, lol.

----

Ori - I'm glad to hear the meetings are helping. I probably should have done similar, but I've managed to stop myself....which is also good. You know you can talk about it anytime, you know I won't judge you for it (obviously).

And fuck anyone who judges you for being a 'tomboy'. I bet they're just jealous, look at you ! You're doing what you want, for you, and that's all that matters. I've just got one favour.....make sure I'm one of the first to hear the EP .

As for college, I know it's a tough decision, I've already accepted a place and actually still have no idea what I really want to do. But you're a smart cookie, I hate to be cliched, but the world really is your oyster.

I'm here whenever you want to talk, I'll try to get online soon.

 

He knows I didn't pass; he doesn't know why I didn't pass. Plus I already accepted the blame by telling my dad I was going to pay all the bills, since they won't be too much.

I'm just not motivated enough for school right now at all. I can't do it. I didn't want to go through high school and I sure as hell can't make it through college on my own. It's just not going to happen right now.

I hate to say it, but I'm not cut out for school at all.

 

I had the same problem for awhile. I had an old friend who I would use to hang around with all the time and she was really the first friend I had after hell came to town with me, and the thing was that we got really close with one another and even went out...if it was for 2 and a half days actually. Well the thing was, that I was really "active" at the time...and she used to go "around town" with all of her friends...yet, when it came to me, she only "loved me like a brother". *headdesk* 5 words a man never wants to hear in her life.

I haven't talked to her in forever though, but as of then she was living with a guy who looks like a mix of Derek Vineyard from American History X, and K-Fed. Yeah, I know. What the hell has happened with my life? !

@Ori - Good to know how you're doing and how everything is going. Miss you.

 

To be honest, nothing. But I've never had any motivation for school. Even in high school, I was a C student at best.

I once failed a semester of a history class with the lowest grade in the class even though I had the highest test average for that entire semester, almost fifteen points greater than the next person.

I mean, like most people my age at the time, I didn't like being told what I should or shouldn't be doing. I hate doing things I don't want to do; school was one of them.

On top of that, my parents never "forced" me or my sister to have amazing, Harvard-like grades. They just wanted us to do the best we could. So I never really "tried" to get amazing grades; I more or less just settled on doing the bare minimum to pass, but doing enough to not look like I should be on the short bus.

When I was in college, I never had any motivation to do any work because I went to, essentially, a community college, and I didn't have any friends around me to push me to get any of my work down, because they were all out at the main campus of Kent State.

I can't guarantee I'd have been a better student with all my friends around me, but I'm sure it would've helped.

But I do know there's no sinister, underlying reason why I'm not motivated, unless I need therapy and just haven't found it out yet. I do know my mom's bi-polar, and she thinks I may be as well, which would explain so many things.

 

While watching The Mists of Avalon tonight, something really disturbed me. The last scene is Morgaine (aka Morgana for those who know anything about King Arthur and Camelot) talking about how she thought the Goddess (her deity, which is also the main deity for Wicca) had disappeared when Christianity took reign of now-Saxon controlled Britian, but instead had taken a new incarnation in that of the Virgin Mary. She then said she wished future generations could bring the Goddess back to her glory days of Avalon. And then the movie ends.

Some person on youtube proceeded to post comments saying that he thought the movie was good, but thinks it is ridiculous that we "base our religion off of fiction movies and novels like this" and that there is only one deity, and that is God. It turned into a pissing match between him and a Wiccan who really shouldn't have gotten involved because it was useless trying to convince someone who was obviously ignorant from the get-go of anything different than his/her viewpoint.

It's moments like these, the moments where my religion is cast-off as fiction and role playing gone too far that makes me question what religion Jay and I are going to raise our children. I don't want my children to be made fun of because some jerk out there wants to tell my children that their religion, the religion their mother practices and the religion their father is interested in is blasphemy and is against "The One True God in Heaven", to quote exact terms. I refuse to watch my children be left out simply because children don't understand the difference between Samhain and Hallowe'en, or between Ostara and Easter, or Yule and Christmas. I refuse to sit back and have to tell my childrens' teachers that they won't be able to come in one day because of a Sabbat, or explain why their student has a pentacle around their neck.

I refuse to have my children alienated not only by strangers and peers, but by my father since he is too stubborn to let anyone else have their beliefs.

Why is it so hard to decide to raise a child a specific faith, and let it be? Why do I have to fear for me and my children when we let people know that we are Witches?

 

You should raise your children the way you want them to be raised. People are always going to look down on others because their faith isn't the same as theirs. It's just the way society works, and by giving in to them and wondering whether you would want to subject your children to those horrors, you're giving them exactly what they want. It sounds crude, but it's true.

Sooner or later, society is going to be more accepting of the things they don't quite understand at the moment. Until the day comes, you should do your part by raising them the way you think they should be raised, because you'll contribute to the understanding some day.

 

Thank you. I really do hope that when Jay and I have children, that they will be able to appreciate the gifts of the Goddess and the God. I just don't want that spoiled for them by some brats.

 

Every single person has to deal with hardships while they're growing up. Depending upon the person, they'll come out much stronger than they would have been had they not dealt with those hardships.

Should your children face any, they'll be stronger than you could have imagined they could be.

 

bunch of stobs.. just a whole bunch of them it's okay though I stoped caring long ago so I'll just laugh at myself.

 

I sound so emo, but this is what I wrote to my sister in an online message.

And this is what I am feeling right now.

 

Poor baby. If you need to talk, you know where to find me.

==============

I burnt the rest of her stuff today, including the only picture I had of her. Watching it burn up into nothing may have been one of my proudest moments. I need to fight this war, and I need to win. Today was my first step.