Got Something You Want To Let Out?

Two things:

1.) I haven't really told anybody in my immediate family. I'm just afraid if I do tell them and i'm straight-forward and honest, they'll either think it's crap or they'll think it has something to do with "not moving on" from Angie (which was about 2 years ago)

2.) No one really knows this, but I actually did take medication when I was a kid, second-third grade, I took Zoloft. And my parents say that I was a drone of sorts when I was taking it, so if so...then I don't know.

 

to Friskeydear, because we both need a hug. You more, though. So

[edit] He didn't notice it. I cut around half the length of my hair off and he didn't notice it. And it hurts, for some silly reason.

 

Haha thanks love.

Kev, I know how you feel, because I feel like that too. I really like Musa, I replied to him, but I haven't gotten an answer. And my sitar is not helping. It's like I can't play or whatever. I really do want to do something with myself, but not in this country. I might sound shit unpatriotic or whatever, but I want out.
Maybe you don't need a professional, I just hope you get through this...fast.

 

I feel really childish saying this, but I'm caught in a "want someone you probably can't have" situation.

There's a girl (Obviously). I've known her since the 7th grade, and sometime around 8th grade I began to like her as more than a friend. That actually lingered through two of my previous relationships. Now I can't stop thinking about her, but I'm prrrrretty sure she doesn't see me that way. Now that we're in high school with completely different classes, I only see her at nutrition break and lunch. She doesn't usually hang out with me at all, either. When I try to get her on AIM, she signs off like five minutes later, and when she doen't, all she says is "haha". She's pretty, nice, smart, outgoing, not fake or a slut, everything I could want in a girl, and I only exist to her on occasions here and there.

Moving on; the problems other than just getting her to like me back (Which seems to be failing miserably) are even worse. First off, she's a cheerleader. Mmhmm. I'm a band kid. Call me stupid, but even though I'm sure she's not like that, I don't know if she'd ever consider going out with a certified band geek. Next, she's got two, not one, TWO older brothers at the same school. Even if I got with her, I could pretty much guarantee I wouldn't finish high school in one piece. Last, and worst of all, she is a Mormon. This means she is not allowed to date until she's SIXTEEN GOD DAMNED YEARS OLD. She takes her religion seriously, so even if I got her to like me, got over the clique barrier, and evaded her brothers, I'd have to wait two fucking years.

This just sets me off because I know she's everything I could want in a girl, and if my feelings for her followed me through relationships with other girls, I know it's not just a small admiration or something like that. I really like her, and it always seems like I'm a world away from her. I've attempted to just see her as a friend again, but now I can't. I just can't. At home I get irritable because I can't talk to her, I find that I'm like a magnet to her, and a couple of people are beginning to notice, and whenever I see her walking to far ahead of me, I just follow her with my eyes devoid of thought. As I walk home I wonder why I had to choose her. It's like she has control of me. At the football game tonight, every time she passed by while I was playing with the band, my heart would jump when our eyes met. She'd say a quick hello, and I'd smile and wave back, not remembering what was going on. It was like nirvana.

And so now I realize I must care a lot, because I would not have written so much if I didn't. This is something I've been wanting to let out to someone forever, but I was afraid. Now, I guess I've found somewhere safe for these words.

If you took the time to read all of that, thank you. I appreciate it.

 

It's true.

Yay experience.

Of course our ended a lot better.

Well, after the dust cleared that is. lol

But yeah, Nate. I'm always here to talk.

 

I'm getting really scared. For the past few years my knee in my left leg would constantly lock up because all the cartilage in my knee had deteriorated. Well I went to the doctor yesterday and after some tests he said he's started to see that my leg is showing early signs of muscle deterioration. That means in a few years I won't be able to walk with that leg. I'm getting scared because I don't want to be the crippled guy who can't walk without a fucking cane. That'll ruin any chance I have of an acting career and I don't want to do anything else. I hope they can do something.

 

Are there any possible operations you can have performed? All the best, Nate. You really don't deserve all the shit that happens to you.

 

They said as of right now it's too early to see if surgery will do anything.

 

Shit Nate this is really bad. What's the reason for this? Does it hurt?

 

Thinking back, a similar thing happened to my friend's uncle. They wound up giving him a false knee. It sound's kinda gross but he walks perfectly fine now.

 

Oh good luck Nate..

 

I'm too lazy to do any quoting, *yawn*

Friskey - First off, just tell your parents straight out. If they think you're bullshitting, take matters into your own hands and find yourself a psychiatrist. You have to do something about your depression now otherwise it's going to be too late if you just leave it in the back of your head, being scared of what's going to happen when you tell someone.

Mali - He probably did notice but didn't say anything yet. A lot of guys are like that.

Matt - I know what you mean. I've kinda been there before... You need to find something else to find your mind to focus on because right now you're putting all of your focus onto her, as a priority. If that doesn't work, then straight out tell her how you feel, as that does help sometimes. At least you won't be wondering all the time if she likes you or not, because if she doesn't, and you haven't told her by the time she turns 16, and then you ask her out, and she says she doesn't really like you that way, you'll look back at yourself and call yourself a fucking idiot because you've wasted all that time torturing yourself for nothing.

Nate - If you do end up needing to have a cane, you could always go for a medical career and be the next House. ;] Humor aside, good luck with your knee. =]

---
You know, my dad's right. I'm always wasting my time on the computer doing nothing. 90% of my day is on the computer, and now that I think about it, I really don't do anything productive while I'm on the computer that often...I'm just sitting here in this chair, throwing my life away, while I can be doing something far better and more productive - but what? He's right and he always has been, I'm just wasting my life on this computer.

Also, Brian's ex, Dana, who I'm so-so friends with, has had cancer for a while. Last night she asked me if I'll be attending her funeral. Apparently she only has 2 months to live. I don't know what to do. I mean, I'm not really that much of a friend with her, as I've only known her for maybe half a year (I don't quite remember), and I don't really know her that well either. Even though she doesn't have the best reputation with my group of friends, as a lot of them didn't quite like her, I still thought she was an alright person (since I don't really think of people of how other people think of them). If I still was in Winnipeg, I'd go, but now that I'm in BC, it's kind of troublesome for me to fly out there. I mean, if a best friend of mine died, then I'd go out of the way to fly out there, but she's not really that much of a friend to me, minus like whenever she's around, I'll treat her like a friend, but she's not as much of a friend like my other friends. Bleh, I don't know how to explain myself really. Anyways, I have no clue what to tell her. Also, she said she would leave me money in her will (like she is for the rest of her friends), even enough for my plane ticket there, if I wanted. That's kinda bugging me for some reason... Gah, so confusing, as it's such a touchy situation...

 

Tomi: Haha Yeah I've actually thought about it, that'd be cool.

Aisha: Yeah it hurts, practically all the time, and they don't know what caused it.

 

i hate!!! green day, my chemical romance, afi, panic! at the disco, and all that. I loved rock before these people owned the mtv countdown. it actually made me listen to rap and forget all about rock.

It just doesn't sound the same as (LP, limp bizkit, system of a down, p.o.d., papa roach, rage against the machine, audioslave, guns n' roses, metallica),
rock today is fucking shit



...yea..i just had to let that out of me..

 

...

Well. If you had to let that out, then I must vent that I think Limp Bizkit, P.O.D., Rage Against the Machine, and Papa Roach are a bunch of talentless hacks. Audioslave could be worse, but they don't know how to use the talent they've got; Linkin Park is quickly losing it too.

The problem with music today is the restrictive corporate music industry. The Big Four really suck all creative control from the hands of the artists and use it to sell more records. I'm not saying that being on a major label is a bad thing, but giving up creative control is.

A.F.I. used to be one of my favorite bands, in fact, I still rank Black Sails in the Sunset as one of my favorite albums of all time. Nitro was pretty good to those guys. It's a pretty recognizable label (Epitaph being another still-independent-but-mostly-recognizable label), without being overly commercialized. Punk is almost extinct, what with the advance of the Hot Topic Nation, goth is fast following. Music is starting to be more and more about image and less and less about sticking it to the man. That's why I've stopped shopping at retail media stores and now just buy my discs used or direct from the artists. I get a lot more indie music that way and stay ahead of the game.

Go listen to Sonic Youth's Daydream Nation. Then maybe some Joy Division. Try a little of The Casualties, The Exploited, hell, even some Choking Victim.

I don't mean to be dogmatic, but don't judge all music based on the mainstream MTV go-se.

 

You know, just because a bunch of pop rock bands are owning the charts doesn't mean you have to like them. Just go out there and look for some other bands you like. The best stuff almost never surfaces on MTV. Just go out there and find out for yourself.


And to Tomi, thanks a bunch for that. I think I'm going to just let things go on for right now, and if they don't get better, I'll let her know.

God, I feel like a little kid with my little girl problem compared to Nate's. Nate, I really don't know what to say other than I'm sorry you have to be going through this. At least it's not something totally life threatening, though (Or could it be?).


Oh, and Tomi, DAMN YOU! I was going to make a House comment!

 

I'll buy you the cane. xD

You know, you don't have to listen to them if you don't like them. There's a reason I never watch MTV or I rarely listen to the radio [freq107 is the only station that isn't full of crap], because I don't have to listen to those bands. I have my own 12k+ collection of music that I love and I can control what I listen to. Guess what? You can do it too. So stop whining and do something about it.

Good plan. Just make sure you do something before it's too late, then you'll really kick yourself in the ass for not doing something and throwing so many great opportunities...

*snickers* Whatcha doing to do about it?

 

Tomi, I dont think you exactly 'waste' time on your computer because from what I've learnt you know a lot about everything to do with computers and you can actually get a really great career out of that someday. And you're certainly not wasting your life because the way youre offering advice and your humour and everything suggests your a really great and outgoing person. And if it isnt too much of a problem for you, or an inconvinience maybe you should visit Dana even though she isnt a very close friend, maybe just for a day or two even, and just hang out. Atleast let her have fun and maybe loosen up a bit, hey, you can talk to her if youre as good talking in person as your are online. It'd be nice, and you can get some fresh air too.

 

Well, sure, I know a decent amount. I still don't know everything. There's this guy in my computer science 11h class, and he was mentioning something different programming/scripting languages he knows, he even knows how to encrypt stuff, so easily that he'll do it to random things (ie. assignments/programs from class) out of boredom. Me? I barely know VB meanwhile the whole class knows a lot of it while I was taught the stupid Scheme language in my old school, which is extremely pointless. It has no use. My dad's had some VB books in the house for YEARS, I could have learned from them. But no, I didn't bother. Not only VB, but a few other languages too [can't remember all atm, but I think C++ is one of them...]. I could have spent all my time on the computer doing something productive, like learning, but instead, I'll waste it on the computer. Sure, I look real great and outgoing, but that hardely reflects on my real life. I find it hard to talk to certain types of people, hence why I have such a hard time finding friends at my new school. I've always stuck with my old friends, but now? I'm a lost sheep. All I know is xhtml, css [although, I really can't put together anything amazing, really.], some basic php [enough to do some basic script editting, not write a full forum script, for example], some vb [whatever my old teacher taught in the few weeks he covered it], and a some scheme [which has no use at all, really] and I have a slightly advanced knowlege of Windows [but that doesn't mean I know how to go messing through regedit or reshacker and not fuck up my computer]. Maybe I should go grab those books. But I'll end up procrastinating it, just watch. I've been doing it the past years, no difference now. I know I could get an amazing career in the computer field, but what I know isn't really much to get me anywhere. Hell, I don't even know what specifically I want to do in my life. Sure, I think it's somewhere in computer, but there's many areas of it - which one!?

I don't quite know if I could go visit Dana, as I'd have to fly in there, which is costly. I mean, if I were in Winnipeg, I would, but now the factors change a lot. Gaah, I dunno. Thanks, though.

-edit--
Just thinking about this in the shower. You know how your teachers usually mention how those doors of opportunies open up to you? Well, right now I'm standing at the end of a hall, and there's 4 doors. [1] Web-side coder: I could very well go through this door, but I don't think I would want to as I lack the creativity for it, unless you straight out give me a mockup and say, here, do this. And of course, the money isn't that great because it's not an hourly rate most of the time, it's based on project. [2] Program scripting: Ehh, like I said, I hardly know VB, and even that is barely anything compared to the languages out there. This is where the big money's at [as far as I know], but I don't have the skills for it. [3] Music: Sure, I could walk through this door, but I still am not the best at bass, so I really don't know. [4] Tech support: If I walk through this door, it's time to kill myself. *headdesk*

I look smart to the average newb, but really, I'm not that qualified at all.

 

Grrr, the minimum wage here is so fucking crap I might even need to break my savings account open.