OMG. I can relate so much to this. Except the fact that I am still in college and very close to the breaking point. Thanks for writing! It made me feel a little less alone!
You're welcome, I'm glad I could help a little bit by sharing part of my story. If you ever need anything, we're here for you. And don't feel scared to search for help, don't let yourself reach that breaking point. I hope you can find someone in real life that can help you.
Thank you so much, and thank you for the follow. I don't mind losing followers, what hurt was what she said and the fact I thought she was a friend. I'm glad I can count on you guys. I love you all. <3
Today, one month away from the awful news, I start to play LP music again. Put all 7 studio albums on a random playlist. First song to pop up is "With You". I am on a good path. Will start to embrace his voice and his message the way they are. I am determined to move forward. Will update this post with my thoughts after the playlist. It's going to be quite a rollercoaster.
I love With You and it's a good song to start with, aggressive. It'll be hard to listen to LP again but we have to move forward. It's been a month but it's like he's still here. I thought yesterday's memorial would calm me down and it was amazing to be with people who understand my sorrow and why I feel like this, to sing with them and share stories and memories. However, it stirred my emotions again and today it's difficult to be calm but I'll be ok, I'm sure.
In the whole weeks I could only look at a video twice. Hope I can look and hear more in the future. I like all albums & songs of LP. But you're right "Hybrid Theory" is extremely good.
Right? I still also don't want to accept it. After excessively listening to OML I am now listening to hybrid therory again. Maybe cause I am also entering the anger stage and that album always supportet me in "ager stages" :') That is an awesome way to look at it. While it is still killing me from the inside I also thought about the fact that it has been 17(?) Years already scince the first time I listend to their music which is more that half of my life... I started reflecting the last years and if there are things I wanted to do but didn't cause I was scared or whatever ... I will start with them now! Live is too fucking short.
Yesterday my Daddy checked my phone (i have an image of Chester as a wallpaper) and asked "Is this that guy from Linkin Park? Look, i recognized him!" and it was so unbelievably hard to not start crying. And then he asked if we're gonna attent Chester's rock tribute in Minsk in September. It was so painful. :-(
UPDATE: I made it, and I'm proud. I finished my listening session loving Linkin Park more than I already did. The random playlist showcased LP's diversity, craftsmanship and talent in all of its glory, and it was fucking beautiful. Sadly, I could not go through all of the 7 albums in that one listen. Some songs like Papercut, OML, Final Masquerade, Powerless, Leave Out all the Rest and Burning in the Skies did not pop up. But nevertheless it was quite an emotional, uplifting, healing ride. Some highlights I can take from it were: The playlist's opening song "With You" was absolutely perfect, like sent from Heaven, the lyrics of the chorus spoke to me from the very beginning and told me exactly what I needed to hear from him, from Chester: "The sound of your voice painted on my memories, even if you're not with me I'm WITH YOU". It was beautiful, it was destiny, it was his soul looking down on me. Shortly after, "Robot Boy" came to play, I can remember this song wasn't exactly one I'd go to if I wanted to play a Linkin Park song, but the message was more poignant than ever "Hold on, the weight of the world will give you the strength to go" .. My eyes teared up at the bridge, when Chester sung his beautiful melodies, and his voice was panning from left to right in my ears. It was touching. I found a new bond with this song. As the playlist went on I enjoyed the diversity, energy, and uplifing vibe Linkin Park songs usually have, but another highlight was when "Wake" came on, one of my favorite openers, it gave me chills as it usually does, but it was a perfect track to close my eyes to. Long past halfway of the playlist, "Sharp Edges" was on, I didn't know what to do, I immediately wondered if I was ready for it, it's one of my favorites from One More Light and the very song I put my own vocals to in my tribute. It was beautiful, but incredibly heartbreaking. I played this song the day the news was out, and it crushed me in tears, but this time it didn't, it made my eyes watery again, but I tried to listen to his message, take it in and embrace it, "We all fall down, we live somehow, we learn what doesn't kill us makes us stronger". I miss you, and I'm determined to become stronger my friend. In all aspects of my life. Another song hit me right in the feels, before the end of the playlist. It was "The Messenger". Again, it wasn't a song I'd cherrypick from ATS back then but, it damn right showed me once again the straightforward, simple but incredibly powerful message Linkin Park casted on us. I shed a couple of tears on this one. A couple of bonus mentions are for "Halfway Right", which has a now-painful second verse, it stings really hard. And "Shadow of the Day" which, I took it fairly well since that day where I was singing over the instrumentals and trying to choose a song for my tribute -actually I used to sing that song A LOT because it's friendly to my vocal range-, and I completely broke down during its second chorus onwards. It's going to be a very special song from now on. Overall it was beautiful, made me feel warm. But the fact I didn't have time to play more songs makes me still wonder how I'd handle them. "One More Light", for example, as the music played and one song ended my heart would skip for a split-second waiting if the next song was going to be OML. LOATR is another question mark. I really love this band, and I am in awe at how could this end so soon. So much talent, and so much more to give. You play all these albums at random and the result is stellar, as biased as that may sound, I don't care. These songs are for us to cherish forever. They're my treasure.
Thank you so much for sharing this with us, dear :') I'm happy to see you were able to go through this, it sounds like it was a very special moment. I hope it will also help me listen to them again. But I'm scared it will do the complete opposite. When I have a trauma with something, or get heartbroken with something, I usually end up hating that thing, because of the pain the situation brings me. I'm scared I'll hate it to the point I won't be able to enjoy the songs again. It's like when you have a phobia and your brain tells you to runaway from that place/thing. I'm scared it will be like that forever, with their songs.
You don't have to be scared. That's exactly what the phobia wants you to, to get away from things, to stop enjoying what you love, and wrap you in its shadow. Of course it'll be difficult. It took me one month, it'll take longer for some just as it's taken less for others, it can sting a little bit, but my post and the previous one make emphasis that I was focused to hear the messages in the songs. Not to cling on to him, but to realize and accept that we will all be okay. I took this moment to myself, I played the albums on my headphones, alone, so I could open up my heart to LP's music without compromise. Therapy teaches us that best way to crawl out of the dark place we're in is to basically leave right where we came from, and it's a shallow phrase but when you get to it more deeply you realize is by facing whatever is bothering you, and then noticing that it wasn't nearly as bad as you once thought. Every person is different, each one of us has their own way to handle things, but I can tell you, you'd be missing out if you close that window on LP's music with that bad taste in your mouth. Once you get to it you'll see that he lives forever because of his music, and as you play more and more you'll enjoy it again. It is what it is. Moving forward doesn't mean we'll love him any less, we just have to make sure to keep him close to our hearts and smile when we remember him or listen to LP's music. It gets better.
Thank you for your help :') I'm not willingly closing the door on it, I don't want to. Like you said, when we have a phobia, our brain tells us the worst possible things, which makes us have the worst feelings about something. It has happened to me many, many times throughout the years, with other things. It's the main problem with my depression. Most of the times, I'm unable to overcome that obstacle, to take that step to do something against what my brain is telling me. Most of the times I end up losing myself in what it tells me, and never take the step to fight against it. That happened when I was at my worst though, there were other situations when I was able to overcome it. I hope it is the case with this as well :')