Cheating

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this thread, but recently I have been cheated on. There were many problems in the relationship, on the sides, but she is trying to say it is partly my fault she cheated for "how I treated her, how negative and depressing I was", when we both treated each other like trash for quite a while when I didn't have a inkling to try and cheat. We are working things out now, but what is the consensus here? Is cheating sometimes justified?

 

Never justified, she'll do it again if you stay, cut the bitch loose immediately.

 

I second that notion. There is no justification for it whatsoever.

 

Her:
i love you.

10:49am
Josh Butler
I hope so. I love you too.

10:51am
Her
you hope.

10:52am
Josh Butler
I had a bad dream again, I'm sorry
It was a violent one too this time

10:57am
Her
i cant do this if you just constantly do that

10:57am
Josh Butler
sorry.
its just i feel like i can't tell you any of my bad dreams right now either because that will bother you too

10:58am
Her
what bothers me is you saying "i hope" in regards to me loving you.

10:58am
Josh Butler
That was stupid of me, I know you love me.

10:59am
Her
then why cant i even say i love you without you doing that. seriously

10:59am
Josh Butler
I've only done that once Joye. I'm sorry.
Ragging on me won't help, I already apologized I know I was wrong.

11:02am
Giovanna Smith-Carabin
then fucking tell me what will help.

11:02am
Josh Butler
What do you mean?

11:02am
Her
you fucking constantly have to do something lke that

11:02am
Josh Butler
I just need to see you again

11:02am
Her
in case you forgot, i kinda fucking cheated on you because you were negative all the time

11:02am
Josh Butler
....
Not cool, Joye.

11:04am
Her
yeah and it's also not cool for you to fucking immediately revert back to who you were

11:04am
Josh Butler
I'm not.

11:05am
Her
yeah. you. are.
what, as if i wouldnt fucking see it?

11:05am
Josh Butler
I shouldn't have said I hope, but that's not me reverting back to anything.
I'm still josh.

11:06am
Her
it is you reverting back to it because you KEEP doing it
seriously, it's constantly just you saying you hope i love you, or everything works out, or just overall doubting my love for you.

11:07am
Josh Butler
You honestly have brought up why you cheated and why it's my fault more than me holding it against you
Constantly? When else have I done it?

11:08am
Her
maybe because it was partially your fault? if you hadnt just whined and criticized me the entire time i wouldnt have had to try to move on

11:08am
Josh Butler
Like joye, I admit I do things wrong sometimes but it's like you want me to beg for your forgiveness.
Don't blame me for you cheating.

Conversation from today.

 

Cut. Loose. Now.

 

Was I wrong in that conversation at all?

 

Everybody gets negative/depressed from time to time. She has no right telling you not to doubt her love for you when she cheated. You have every fucking reason to doubt it cuz well she fucking cheated. If she did love you like she claimed she should have tried helping you through your negativity or whatever. Or at least talked to you about the problem and tried to fix it. She cheated and it really just looks like shes playing you again right now. Like Blackee said, cut loose.

 

I agree. Cut her loose. You're in the middle so you're going to over analyze every word. Having been right where you are I can tell you this:

1) You'll never trust her again. She'll never get out from that umbrella of "CHEATER". You'll always be worried, a little extra jealous and a little extra paranoid.

2) Cheaters are prone to cheat again. It becomes their escape in the same way playing X-box or drinking some wine is for other people.

Trust me, after being destroyed in a 3 year relationship.. TRUST ME... it's not worth it in the end.

You hurt now. And I believe she hurts too, but it doesn't excuse anything and you'll probably be hurt much worse later.

Too many variables make it not worth it. Who is the guy? A friend? A mutual friend that you know? An ex? How long has she known him? Do you know if they've been texting back and forth? Any pictures sent? Was this spur of the moment or planned over a series of meetings? (Cheaters always say it was spontaneous). Was this a quick kiss, a make out session or full protected/unprotected intercourse?

I can see in your convo you're already experiencing that doubt and distrust I mentioned. Believe me, she won't do something one day that'll just make you forget she cheated. You'll never forgot. My ex used to blame all the time. She never wanted to work on it. She never said, "look we should try to work on..." It was always phrased "well you, if you would just, maybe if you could." Nuh uh. No. She truly doesn't feel like she's at fault. Her subtext is saying "You drove me to do this and I blame you. If you were how I wanted you to be this wouldn't happen."

Get out of there quickly for your own good. Another good sign: If you do say you want to break it off and she gets mad and the anger/blame towards you grows, you made the right choice. REAL men and women who want to work it out would say "What did I do? How can we make this work?" If she flips on the bitch switch when you say it's over you avoided a real bomb.

 

You're so right about the paranoia.. Its gotten to the point to where I've gotten into her tumblr account just to see if she's doing something suspicious and pretending to be her just to get the guy she cheated on me with to just go away and stop messaging her.. I don't know. I have real big attachment issues that I've been going through, which I think is a result from my social anxiety. I don't know.. Like this is the 2nd relationship I've knowingly been cheated on in.. and it just hurts. I get too attached and I really want her to admit that it was completely wrong with her.. I had to find out by hacking into her tumblr in the first place because she was just being so distant.. and I knew. I fucking knew. I've never done anything like that in any other relationship, but it does feel wrong knowing that me invading her privacy was how I found out.

 

This entire thread is full of people coming to your defense. And of course it is, you've only shared a small bit of your relationship with us. All you've told us is you got cheated on and she said it was "kinda your fault."

But I have no context for the rest of your relationship. I can't ever really think of a time when cheating is the "right" thing, but it doesn't always make someone a "bitch" that needs to be "cut loose now" and all the other stuff people have been saying here.

You came here for advice so I'm gonna give it. You sound incredibly neurotic. You said yourself in a post you have bad social anxiety which leads to clingyness. I TOTALLY understand that. I've gone through it too. But you have to try to put yourself in your girlfriend's shoes. Being in a relationship with someone so negative can be straight up toxic.

My current relationship went through a phase like that, and my girlfriend was going through a lot of fucked up feelings that bled into the relationship. It sucked. And I thought about cheating on her as an ESCAPE from all that emotional responsibility that was being dumped on me. Just a little sliver of relief.

The conversation you copy and pasted obviously paints your girlfriend out to be a less than decent person. She's clearly upset with you and not pulling her punches. But think about the bigger picture. Is your relationship healthy at all? I like you dude, you've been one of my favorite LP community regulars for years now. I don't like seeing this kind of stuff happen, but there's always two sides to every story.

You don't have to put up with her accusing you of "making" her cheat or anything like that, but consider all the perspectives. You seem to be dumping a lot of weight on her shoulders. All human beings have moments of weakness. And if you keep hanging it over her head by saying things like "I hope you love me," of course she's going to get defensive. She probably feels guilty about what she did.

 

It's never justified, if she felt miserable around you then she should've broken up to go with the other guy instead of cheating. Or in a less drastic scenario, talked with you about it and point it out.

I've always seen it as something completely pointless and unnecessary. If you don't feel right with the person your with, simply cut it out, but clearly some are either too coward to say it to the other's face or too stupid to think they'll get away with it.

Also, cheaters are repeat offenders, if they did it once, they'll do it again, especially if it's the same person.

 

Think about that though. Her boyfriend, who I'm assuming she cares about seeing as how they are in a relationship, is dumping a ton of emotional weight on her. Can you imagine if she just dumped him? That'd make her responsible for RUINING him, on top of everything else. That's hard to do to someone you care about.

Not everyone who cheats is some soulless, mustache-twirling villain.

 

I get your point, and on that scenario it's difficult but that's not the only case, because the most frequent-yet stupid excuses for cheating are "you don't spend enough time with me", "you treat me badly" and things along those lines. Maybe I'm being too cold about it but I simply don't see the point on keep going in a situation like that, and I fail to understand the "need" to be in two relationships at the same time if you're supposedly miserable in one of them.

Either face it and try to find a solution, or just move on. Being dumped is hurtful but being cheated on isn't exactly better.

 

You should probably leave her because this relationship is going to fall apart sooner or later. But from what I know about failed relationships is that it's never only one person's fault. Bricks fall on either sides. So you should figure out what you did wrong in this relationship and try to work on it so that your next relationship lasts longer. Hope things work out for you.

 

I understand what you're saying completely, and I have always respected and liked you in the community as well. It's just.. I guess there just wouldn't be a way of for me to truly get her side without any bias with it. I tried to not take away any punches on mistakes I've done in this relationship. I was extremely depressed my spring quarter at college this year, and it just bled into the relationship. At times, I would just be completely down, and other times I would take my depression out on her. By the time she was doing all of this though.. She made a OkCupid account, met this guy 100 miles from her, talked sexually to one another.. and were planning on going to the 10 year anniversary of Transatlanticism together.. the same day telling me how in love with me she is and how I was her "asawa". It got to the point to when i I had all the details, I asked her about it, knowing full well about everything, and she chose to lie about it and put it off as me being overly jealous. I wish I could get her side on here, I really do, because I do want an opinion of the other side, but taking all of that into account.. it just really hurts that she blames me for it. I try my best and it just never seems to be enough. I've gone out and put all my issues aside whenever she's dealing with anxiety or stress.. hell, when I first told her that I had social anxiety she asked if I "felt fucking special", because of it. I just seemed to be rambling, so I'll stop it at here, but if there are any details that need to be said, I'll try my very best to articulate it with as little bias as possible.

Edit: I don't think she's a bitch or a horrible person, even with the situation regarding how the cheating went down.. even though I do have attachment issues, if I honestly felt like she was a less than good person, I wouldn't have even been in the relationship as long as it has been going on, let alone trying to work it out. I just feel like, at her best, she's the most amazing person I've ever met.. but at her worst, it's just so detrimental to me sometimes that whenever I try to explain that to her, it just becomes me criticizing her when I'm trying to make the situation better. That's honestly part of the reason why I got so depressed during the spring.

 

Well, hey, like I said, I don't have the entire context of the relationship. In my post you quoted, I was trying to show how cheating isn't always the evil soulless act people always make it seem. But, judging by some of the stuff you just said, what she did sounds more and more out of line. What I do know is your relationship seems to be in a pretty bad place. Maybe it's time for both of you to try moving on.

 

From the sounds of it even sans cheating there's a ton of negativity going on in the relationship.

Not a good thing and it sounds like you really need to work on yourself before being in one.

 

Once the trust is gone, so is that relationship. No trust, no love...........so go on with your life, even when you have to start it alone.