Too Close to The Sun (Poem)

Discussion in 'Your Projects' started by RyRy, Oct 15, 2012.

  1. #1
    RyRy

    RyRy LPA VIP LPA VIP

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    So I wrote this random poem yesterday and I would appreciate some feedback. I've been trying to continue writing it but it's not coming to me.

    "Stuck in his prison, he drempt of freedom
    Looking for the inspiration that could lead him,
    He stared at the sky with the hope of leaving
    What he finally saw was his grave, misleading
    They soared so far it would take his breath,
    But he didn't know, oh it would be his death
    Stirring his emotions he couldn't put into words,
    Oh, Icarus stared as he envied the birds"
     
    Last edited: Oct 16, 2012
  2. #2
    Erica

    Erica Meh LPA Über VIP

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    I like it so far but it needs to be longer. It feels like its missing something.
     
  3. #3
    Ben

    Ben Well-Known Member

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    I definitely love the imagery, but I'd tweak the flow just a bit. Also, "it'd would" is redundant, most likely just a typo but nonetheless. :p

    The concept is really great though, I agree I'd like to see what you might add onto it.
     
  4. #4
    RyRy

    RyRy LPA VIP LPA VIP

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    I agree, it does need to be longer but for some reason I'm at a stand still when I try to continue writing... I kinda have a second part but it's not finished yet.

    Haha thanks a ton :) And yes, "it'd would" was a typo. I just fixed it. Any suggestions for making the flow easier?
     

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