Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 20 of 32
  1. #1
    slumming it... Dedicated's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Location
    Birmingham, United Kingdom, United Kingdom
    Posts
    15,093
    COCA COLA INTRODUCES NEW 30-LITER SIZE
    Bottle Will Be Unwieldy, Unconvenient

    ATLANTA—The Coca-Cola Corporation held a press conference yesterday to announce that its soft drinks will soon be available exclusively in 30-liter plastic bottles. According to company spokespeople, Coke's decision to sell its product in what many consider to be overly large containers is not based on a specific study or survey of consumer demands, but rather on the company's desire to make a resounding display of its corporate might.


    The new bottles (above) take up an enormous amount of display space.

    Several major soft-drink companies attempted to improve on the standard two-liter size bottle by introducing a three-liter size in 1985, but the new size failed because of difficulties with storage and carbonation loss.

    "The three-liter didn't fail because it was too big, but because it was not big enough," Coca-Cola CEO Vic Hertner said. "With our new 30-liter size, that won't be a problem. Two liters is nothing. I could urinate two liters for you right now. But 30 liters? That's untouchable."

    The new plastic bottle is nearly four feet tall, and weighs 274 pounds when filled with Coke. In development tests, it took an average of three men to lift the new bottle. The product will fit in an average refrigerator, but only when all other products and shelving have been removed. Most inconvenient of all, the new Coke will go flat if not drunk within 17 minutes, even if it is promptly recapped. The Coca-Cola Corporation does not see these factors as drawbacks.

    "By requiring three men to lift the bottle, our new product will encourage a sense of community," Hertner said. "The popular image of the lonely soda drinker wasting his life away in solitude will no longer be relevant, because anyone wanting to drink the new Coke will need two buddies to get the soda home, and at least 10 buddies to drink it all. The quick loss of carbonation might lead to tiny problems, but what are people going to do? Stop drinking Coke? I think not."

    Sociologists see Coke's plan to manufacture the 30-liter bottle as the logical next step. "It makes sense," Stanford Professor Edmund Tillerton said. "Americans like big things. Big sky, big cars, big stereo speakers, big dicks and big TV sets. It would follow that we would like big bottles of Coke. We like things to be larger than life, and that's what the new Coke size is."

    Coke stressed that the new 30-liter bottle would not be merely a new size option, but will soon be the only size option. "We're phasing out the smaller cans and bottles, as well as two-liter sizes," Hertner said. "We're confident that people will take to the new 30-liter size. Besides, they won't have a choice. We own Minute Maid as well. Soon, all orange juice will only be available in 30-liter sizes. Fruitopia as well. We will buy controlling stock in every beverage company and force them to follow suit. We are very confident. Did I mention that we own a small nation? If the people of this country don't like the newly sized product, we'll simply declare war. We will bury you."

    Consumers are eager to sample the new size. "I like Coke a lot, so it would follow that I would like a lot of Coke," Linda Jillerman of Cincinnati said. "For the last 13 years, I've been working on a mechanism to funnel Coke into larger containers. I had to quit my job to do this, but it was worth it. Now, with the new size, Coke does all the work! I'll be able to get my old job back!"

    The new size is ready for the public, and the public is ready for it. After considering "Coka-Munga" and "The Shitload," executives settled on "Family Size" as the product's official name.

    An extensive promotional campaign for the new size is also in the works. The Coca-Cola company is considering exhuming the corpse of wrestling legend Andre The Giant for use as the product's spokesman. If Andre is chosen, Coca-Cola will reanimate him in the same laboratories where the Coca-Cola head executives were cloned. "Ve velcome zees challenge," head scientist Günther Brauerhauer said.
    This is a hoax, I wonder who will fall for it...
    silence your critics

  2. #2
    Banned
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Vienna, Austria in Europe... NO KANGAROOS IN AUSTRIA
    Posts
    2,697
    30 liters? woooooooooooop! but whos gonna buy it anyway? isnt it f*cking heavy?

  3. #3
    slumming it... Dedicated's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Location
    Birmingham, United Kingdom, United Kingdom
    Posts
    15,093
    Originally posted by ass_kicker@Feb 25 2004, 06:22 PM
    30 liters? woooooooooooop! but whos gonna buy it anyway? isnt it f*cking heavy?
    Read the whole thing :chemist: :whistle:

  4. #4
    You are my detonator. Phantom Duck's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Forever War
    Posts
    3,760
    Dude.


    You're not fooling LPa with that.

    That should be in random chat, not to mention...

    WTF, it's hilarious, leave it here!
    Tu trembles, mon coeur?
    Tu tremblerais davantage, si tu savais ou je te mene.

  5. #5
    Banned
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Vienna, Austria in Europe... NO KANGAROOS IN AUSTRIA
    Posts
    2,697
    hahah... so they will hire people to carry the bottles around... mahahah... meh thats some funny stuff right there... hahah three man carrying your coke around!!!... i think thats hilarious...
    but its so stupid too... its wasting money... stupid human race... meh...

  6. #6
    I'm Not Obsessed!!!
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    England, Uk
    Posts
    348
    WOW&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33; thats massive how you gonna get it home...."will go flat if not drunk within 17 minutes, even if it is promptly recapped." <-- quote...how you gonna drink that it 17minutes???? LOL



    are you sure bout this?

  7. #7
    Banned
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Vienna, Austria in Europe... NO KANGAROOS IN AUSTRIA
    Posts
    2,697
    get your 30 litres now, people... hah... so basically you need to drink it in 17 minutes. how stupid is that?

  8. #8
    Morbid Fascination Debus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    In my head
    Posts
    19,817
    LMFAO&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;
    <3
    Team Rampage

    debs: samurai sword // friskey: rusty knives // hellflame: bazooka //
    mali: longbow // st0f: sledgehammer

  9. #9
    i are scientists Hana's Avatar
    Join Date
    Sep 2003
    Location
    Czech Republic
    Posts
    6,747
    ROFLMAO&#33;

  10. #10
    Official Ghost of the LPA
    Join Date
    Aug 2003
    Location
    Southern California
    Posts
    3,447
    Originally posted by ass_kicker@Feb 25 2004, 07:11 PM
    get your 30 litres now, people... hah... so basically you need to drink it in 17 minutes. how stupid is that?
    Party&#33;&#33;&#33;It&#39;s that simple.
    I joined LPA at age 11. I'm now the Official Ghost of LPA - just so you know.

  11. #11
    Morbid Fascination Debus's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2003
    Location
    In my head
    Posts
    19,817
    Originally posted by [Matt]+Feb 25 2004, 07:25 PM--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE ([Matt] @ Feb 25 2004, 07:25 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin--ass_kicker@Feb 25 2004, 07:11 PM
    get your 30 litres now, people... hah... so basically you need to drink it in 17 minutes. how stupid is that?
    Party&#33;&#33;&#33;It&#39;s that simple. [/b][/quote]
    Lol yeah just what i was thinking&#33; Get loads of friends round and it will all be gone soon

  12. #12
    bread crumbs & white stones
    Join Date
    Aug 2002
    Location
    Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio
    Posts
    34,889
    That&#39;s the dumbest thing ever and I&#39;m glad it&#39;s fake.
    So... I'll keep searching for a place called home.
    I'll rip my roots from this earth into the unknown.
    Is it for the dreams I chased or the ones I caught?
    This mystery, this misery is killing me.
    So, now, I'll leave behind a murder scene.
    My life isn't real; it's just s silhouette.
    And, when the sun goes down, I won't exist.

  13. #13
    Y2K
    Join Date
    Dec 2002
    Location
    Salem, Illinois
    Posts
    2,175
    Originally posted by Will@Feb 25 2004, 01:52 PM
    That&#39;s the dumbest thing ever and I&#39;m glad it&#39;s fake.
    I believed it, my mouth was open the whole time after it said "the only size option."

  14. #14
    wooaaaa, im liking that



    *calls for mom to start the car*

  15. #15
    LPA VIP
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Posts
    8,702
    <-drinks pepsi

    muahahahaha&#33; Take that Coke&#33;

    ...

    Yea, I know its fake
    meet the team.



  16. #16
    I broke the dam. Whimsicality's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    Virginia, USA
    Posts
    2,788
    LMAO....

    If that were true I would buy one just so I could have a huge coke bottle...
    Lyndie is back. Oh my.

  17. #17
    LPA Super Member Cal's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2003
    Location
    Perth, Scotland
    Posts
    5,685
    f**k i thought it was real
    Im on signature strike

  18. #18
    imagine if it was real, and it was the start of giants taking over earth................................................................................................................ Noway

  19. #19
    I'm Not Obsessed!!!
    Join Date
    Feb 2004
    Location
    Toronto, Canada
    Posts
    468
    hahahaha&#33; that was hilarious. i love the urinating part....

  20. #20
    Originally posted by mp066@Feb 25 2004, 11:26 PM
    hahahaha&#33; that was hilarious. i love the urinating part....
    lol yer "i could urinate 2 liters for you right now"

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •