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  1. #1
    I'm Not Obsessed!!!
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    A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years.




    As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a young couple in bed. He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom. While he is there, the husband tells his wife:




    "Listen, this guy is a prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison, and has not seen a woman in years. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you"




    To which the wife responds, "I am glad you think that way. Sure, he has not seen a woman in years, but he was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he found you very sexy, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."

  2. #2
    LPA Super Member Cal's Avatar
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    LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!

    ROFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!

    THAT IS THE GREATEST JOKE EVER!
    Im on signature strike

  3. #3
    bread crumbs & white stones
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    No, these are the two greatest jokes ever:

    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her and her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that she wants to make love to him for the first time after dinner. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before. He takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything he needs to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack or family-pack. The boy insists on the family-pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, considering that it's his first time. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's home and meets his girlfriend at the door. The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to saw grace and bows his head. A minute passes by and the boy's head is still lowered. Ten minutes pass. Twenty minutes pass. Finally, his girlfriend leans over and whisperes to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns to her and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

    ...

    What you do is this: Go up to someone and go, "I have some bad news, worse news and even worse news for you. The bad news is that you have cancer. The worse news is that the cancer is of your penis. The even worse news is that you were invited to a sorority house."

    Best jokes ever.
    So... I'll keep searching for a place called home.
    I'll rip my roots from this earth into the unknown.
    Is it for the dreams I chased or the ones I caught?
    This mystery, this misery is killing me.
    So, now, I'll leave behind a murder scene.
    My life isn't real; it's just s silhouette.
    And, when the sun goes down, I won't exist.

  4. #4
    About To Blow Chunks LornVourkolakas's Avatar
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    LOL. I almost choked on my spit there. Funny jokes.

  5. #5
    .Orestes Anthony.'s Avatar
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    ROFL . Excellent jokes .
    no sig 'till i find a host

  6. #6
    LPA Super Member Cal's Avatar
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    lmfao, ok you win will

  7. #7
    Ambient
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    Whaha! well, they are all great!!
    Wahahaaaaahaahhahaahaha

  8. #8
    Morbid Fascination Debus's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Will@Nov 22 2003, 12:50 AM
    A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her and her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that she wants to make love to him for the first time after dinner. The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before. He takes a trip to the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything he needs to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy: a 3-pack, 10-pack or family-pack. The boy insists on the family-pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, considering that it's his first time. That night, the boy shows up at the girl's home and meets his girlfriend at the door. The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to saw grace and bows his head. A minute passes by and the boy's head is still lowered. Ten minutes pass. Twenty minutes pass. Finally, his girlfriend leans over and whisperes to her boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." The boy turns to her and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

    Lmfao. That is hilarious!!
    <3
    Team Rampage

    debs: samurai sword // friskey: rusty knives // hellflame: bazooka //
    mali: longbow // st0f: sledgehammer

  9. #9
    You are my detonator. Phantom Duck's Avatar
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    ROFEL.
    Tu trembles, mon coeur?
    Tu tremblerais davantage, si tu savais ou je te mene.

  10. #10
    don't stop talking to me; i haven't been listening Alacrity's Avatar
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    Someone post more jokes&#33; Thse are funny&#33;

  11. #11
    I'm Not Obsessed!!!
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    Little lawrence was 7 years old and like other boys his age rather curious. He had been hearing quite a bit about &#39;courting&#39; from
    the older boys, and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his question to his mother, who became rather
    flustered. Instead of explaining things to lawrence,she told him
    to hide behindthe curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did.
    The following morning, lawrence described EVERYTHING
    to his mother.
    "&#39;Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her.
    I figured &#39;Sis must be getting sick, because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too, because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just the way the doctor would.Except he&#39;s not as smart as the doctor because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too ,because pretty soon both of them started panting and gettin all out of breath. His other hand must of been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time &#39;Sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when her fever started. I knew it was a fever, because Sis told him she felt really hot. Finally, I found out what was making them so sick --
    a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about 10 inches long, honest, anyway he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When Sis saw it, she got really scared --her eyes got big, and her mouth fell open, and she started calling out to God and stuf like that. She said it was the biggest one she&#39;s ever seen; I should tell her about the ones down at the lake by our house&#33; Anyway, Sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.All of a sudden she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while
    he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel&#39;s head to keep it from biting again. Sis lay back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped by lying on top of the eel. The eel put up a hell of a fight. Sis started groaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the ouch.
    I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squashing it between them.
    After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up, and sure enough, they killed the eel. I knew because it just hung there, limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the
    battle, but theywent ack to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn&#39;t dead&#33; It jumped straight up and started to fight again. I guess eels are like cats-- they have nine lives or something.This time, Sis jumped up and tried to kill it by sitting on it. After about a 35 minute struggle, they finally killed the eel. I knew it was dead, because I saw Sis&#39;s boyfriend peel its skin offand flush it down the
    toilet."


  12. #12
    You are my detonator. Phantom Duck's Avatar
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    Chris.






  13. #13
    LOL those jokes are freeeking funny as hell. I have one joke that my friend told me.

    These three guys go up to heaven and they have to talk to God to get in. The first guy goes and talks to God and God asks" So how did you die" and the first guy said " well I was in my apartment on the ninth floor. I was just doing some exercises on my balcony when I slipped over the edge. Luckily I grabbed the edge of the eighth floor balcony. Then this guy comes out with a crazy inraged look and steps on my hands forcing me let go and fall eight floors to the ground. Luckily the soft grass broke my fall and I was alive, untill the same guy through a refrigerator down and it landed on me and killed me." God says "ok you may enter in to heaven". Then he asks the second guy in line "How did you die". The second guy says " I came home after a busy day of work just to see my beautiful wife. I heard some fast move ments and some noices in the kitchen. I ran to our bedroom to see My wife standing up naked. I always knew she was cheating on me. I looked all over my house for the guy while my wife was screaming and trying to tell me she wasnt cheating on me. I went on the balcony and found the home wrecker hanging off, so I started stepping on his hands to make the bas*rad fall to his death. He fell but to my surprise he was still alive so I went and got the fridge and through it on him and then he was finaly dead. After looking over the balcony I turned around and my wife had a shoot gun and blasted my head off, and thats how I died". God said "ok you may enter heaven". God turned to the third and last guy and asked " How did you die". The guy looked at God and said "Imagine this, your naked in a fridge."

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