Code: THE BOILER ROOM you and i, we're both getting so sick both feeling used i can't work out how to solve our problems. i just don't have it in me and i can't admit that to you. (not like i need to) you'd enjoy it too much. we're wasting each other. you're admitting this to yourself too late, now that we've closed ourselves off and left our shadows behind to cover it up i know how much you resent me. keep going. i won't let it stop. all i can do right now is ruin you; it's the only option left to me but i know that it isn't worth the cost. soon, it will all boil over. it'll end somehow or another ... what you're hearing right now is just the wall of static rising while you wait for one of us to snap
Code: i felt the switch flip something primal is rearing up inside can't string the words together to make myself believe try and get me to give in see if you succeed it should at least be fun to watch i just want to forget how i wound up here and why i can't pull myself out i'll take anything i can feel my mind scrambling for something anything just to latch onto and devour anything but this but everything's so damn urgent now nothing is ever enough we just lose without warning my head is racing i had everything locked up tight but, now, it's all melting and blurring together there are no fixes, just the craving; just the void that can't be filled i'll race you
Code: SHALLOW END things were so different not that long ago weren't they? it's all beyond my control, right? i feel like i've had a part in it all throughout the years and it sickens me. i was part of that facade a wash of faded colours a sea of empty faces hollow laughter ringing around the room i could never immerse myself like i should have because none of it was real not that i had any understanding then; i just held still played my part distracted us all but, then, we stayed on course; i know that from looking back at our old selves. i can see the similarities, the things that still haven't changed, everything that we're still holding onto it weighs heavy on me. on all of us. we had our problems, like anyone else but i never had any idea until it was far too late. this is what we were hiding the whole time burdened with things that we could never create, we've become all the things that we swore not to be waiting it out in the shallow end because we're all cowards. nothing's going to come and pull us out and drowning's just not our thing
Code: ECTOPLASM 1 you appear in my head like clockwork revert all the changes all the understanding and the empathy that i'd gained, i lose it all feel enlightened again around and around always fail to realise that the feeling will just come back, stronger this time all of the vices that i never thought i would need again, they all come back into play the promises i made are irrelevant. we both knew that i would fail. my conviction ebbs and flows no room for absolutes i couldn't remember how any of it felt but it's all coming back to me now this feeling of emptiness is the only real thing i've got; i guess that i can't go that long without
Code: ECTOPLASM 2 rising and falling so shallow so heartless i'll hurt almost anyone to get back through even just a glimpse of something different something new and shiny - see, i thought that you were different, thought that you kept changing but you've always been the same. we're both so fucking redundant we should just exist in our own little pocket that's what we deserve, really the world doesn't need me never did having control becomes useless. even while i don't let you speak, you tell me too much you know, i get so scared that maybe i'm just staring at a mirror seeing myself for what i really am it's a crazy thought but it's persistent ... anyway, you leave me disappointed over and over again but that never means anything. you have no incentive to impress me there's nothing for you to gain and, besides, you know that i'll always be back anyway
Code: I LOVE ANOTHER i don't need your fucking prevention. i'm holding myself back all too well hurting over things that never should've touched me i failed to keep my distance or i should've been more involved ... it doesn't matter. least of all to you. so don't kid yourself claiming that you have my best interests at heart. i can't accept your help (or whatever it is that you're offering) when i don't know who you really are anymore. you have so many faces and so many of them resent me without end but, even when i put that aside, i don't know how i let you do this to me. how was i driven to this? why has this dug so deep into my mind? it doesn't matter. least of all to you.
Code: CHOLO i had stability for just that one moment. it's gone now and there's no way that i can stop myself from relentlessly trying to get it back i won't be okay we won't get even with each other. it won't stop you from lying again. won't stop us from fighting whatever it is that we want for ourselves there's no way it will ever work. i can't make you happy and i can't do anything at all for myself i just want to bow out of the battle in the least-painful way possible and, if i manage, i'll finally stop caring about who wins because you'll have won and i won't be there to feel the loss so everything will be alright, in a twisted way ... but, just as you've always made me out to be, i'm nothing but a terrified child cowering in the corner
Code: EFFIGY pushing and pulling back we corrupt each other at every turn tiny strokes pointless gestures that still mean way too much because i have so little. it's come to this because i have nowhere else to turn and there's no-one i can tell and there's no-one i can blame so i take it out on you the only thing close to a real outlet that i've got i'm in a dark place hearing my shattered voice bouncing off the walls that you inhabit i have a need to damage something anything and all i have is this effigy of you that will never see the light of day none of this will go anywhere. i'm only deepening the misery one way or the other but this gives it some twisted sense of purpose accomplishment it's sick but it's something and i can't say that for much else in my life
Code: COPING you don't need me. this thing's becoming a big mess of moving parts that i don't feel like i have a part in. cold and afraid nothing's improving i need the means to step away from all of this and watch it from a distance if i could stop it from looking back and seeing me for what i really am you don't need to say it hell, there are always more chances they just keep on coming but i'll never be brave enough to take them never be braver than i am now i never wanted to depend on you, not like this somehow, i just keep forgetting, you know? there've been moments lately ... where it just slipped my mind traces of it are always there lingering something predatory slowly poisoning everything coldly watching it all die we're alone in the universe i'm alone draining you until you're all gone just so i can stay rested for a few more days and, then, no more coping
Code: EXTERMINATOR 2 feel myself deteriorating some of the signs fade in and out so fucking tired of never feeling stable always feeling like i'm in a rush but i can never pinpoint where or what ... i keep telling no-one in particular over and over that i'm not supposed to still be here. should never have been so afraid to die but that's what i chose and i can't seem to turn back i never had the heart for this, did i? i just didn't know what else to do just kept pretending can't tell if it's getting harder or easier couldn't tell you which one is scarier. can't act like i care right now. i've just been looking to distract myself and i can't even fucking get that right could use someone to talk to, i guess but it'd make no difference what does human connection matter when i could just hurt you instead? in the end, i can only pick one (and it has to be now)
Code: CURSORY i'm still not here i'm still not here i'm still not here i'm still not here riding towards a sanctuary that DOESN'T EXIST i need saving pull me out of here! but you don't exist either heart is close to ripping itself out of me i know that, deep inside, i'm truly afraid for my life always certain about the most insignificant things and completely clueless about everything else there's always either no safety net or one too many it's always wrong I'm still not here i haven't made it through i'm fine. this is exactly how it was intended, right? the story says i should've drowned i should be gone by now (oh God i wish) but, instead, i'm just fine there's nothing to see
Code: PRESSES i got you. i fucking got you. it finally happened (again) and i thought that i'd feel a twinge of regret this time but it never came. you're never going to know and, instead, stay blissfully unaware with a different weight on your shoulders and i guess that that's the best part, really; that nothing will really change, and everything that i've done is simply meaningless and inconsequential, not to mention utterly pathetic. so we don't have to lose anything. we both get to have what we believe we wanted.
Code: BLACK MASS i can hear the voices offhandedly tell me how alone i am and i can feel your hands reaching me through the dark a creeping fog caressing the shallows press feel everything wash out of me i envy the disappeared. you always send these conflicting signals but, ultimately, i feel that i'm right to say that. i wish that i'd been that smart early on. maybe then, things still would've been tragic, but in the right way instead of how they are now you're out of time here. there's only precious little left to take from me and, of course, i keep forgetting what it is i'm meant to hold dear so i'm too tired to resist also way too tired to take any action i just stare passively while you work to cover up all the undesirable truths this black shroud dropping over us; even when i can't see your face, i recognise you too well. you have that unmistakable magic touch and you secretly love it when it hurts. my words are running dry. i'm just too tired tired of you tired of you being right about everything
Code: STRUCTURAL VIOLENCE i feel like i'm getting over my inhibitions just slowly and steadily i'm hoping to accelerate the process ... but, then, i'm nothing if not fiercely patient. i can always wait to get what i want. but, you ... i don't need you at all. you keep coaxing me to play but losing this game of yours isn't fucking worth it. you have nothing left to offer me. and there's only precious little left that lets us relate to each other. now, there's only potential for you to hurt me. this isn't a war that anyone can win (except for you) as long as we all want to survive. really, we both need to just fuck off and die. we don't need each other at all. you don't even know what you fucking want from me; probably no answer to that. just some painful feedback loop stemming from how you say one thing and mean something else entirely, over and over again, until you yourself get confused - no, you're just trying to clear your conscience and absolve yourself of the blame but you don't even need to do that, so just be relieved. if i'm bitter towards anyone, it's myself. you've always known this. stop pretending. Code: DOORSTEP the alarms ring so loudly that i can experience a physical reaction stop myself so violently that i can feel the inertia strike right at your door i could knock and we could talk and everything would be ruined forever. i'm not as horrible as i seem except that i am i fucking am you have no choice.
Code: i am the lightning strike upon calm waters. i've heard the same rumours that you've have but i leave none alive. you shouldn't glorify me like you did the rest. we're not the same.
Code: F-LIST i want to tell you, stop trying to reach me if i don't answer; it's just that ... i'm just fucking terrified of [what i might say] and, no matter what i do, it just won't stop breaking myself from the inside out and you're probably gonna validate this but i can't work myself up to take it i don't deserve your rationality and i keep apologising but it's never enough got enough loved ones to disappoint already so don't tell me any more. i don't know that i could ever be better off you're optimistic to believe that i'm sick. the only thing that i can believe right now is that someone out there will think i just want the bragging rights ... and i might even manage to deceive myself, another thing that i'm deeply afraid about but, still, i'm off the rails now worrying that i can't be figured out. (i can't even express this properly.) if i can't help you to understand, if you can't find an answer for me, then, all of this has been for nothing still lost damaged messed up but in the completely wrong way. can't even get that right.