It's A Crazy World (A rap I wrote)

[Calvin]

Here's a rap I wrote after thinkin' of the first two lines whilst I was walking home from school (I am 17 years old). Please ignore any grammatical errors at this point as it was written a few seconds ago...

[V1]
Nowadays negligence has replaced complacency for intelligence
Where there used to be measurements of mental resonance
Instead its just the remnants of welfare and benefits
So aforementioned sentiments ain't been remembered since
The days where you used to feel sympathy/Feel empathy
Now all we got are repressed memories of 'a better me'
Someone said to me/The world is dark and no one cares
'Cause no one's there/And they didn't stray their stare
They reconfirmed they're serious/But I'm curious slash furious at how people get so delerious
When they're happy with induced agony/That's a tragedy
What type of family would happily keep laughin' see/Tryda check reality
Sewin' the seeds for a new-born/Not teachin' 'em nothin'
Treatin' him like an alien in is own home/Runnin'
So he doesn't have to face the pain that is so soon to follow
And inside his sorrow's where he wollows fearful of tomorrow
Parental advisory sticker on the home of his birth parents
His only merit's bein' 5 years old and cold at appearance
But now it's all just twisted/He was gifted and now as he's grown
The crazy world has left him on his own and all alone

[Hook]
So tell me/How did we get here
So tell me/Does a life mean nothin'?
So tell me/Is it not clear?
That we never see nothin'
Until that somethin' is abundant
So tell me/Am I holdin' onto false hope?
So tell me/Can this world ever cope
So, tell me/Is this expectation insanity
And a form of profanity against
The standing dream of reality?

[V2]
Maybe/Someday the ignorance thats been depicted since
The fall of innocence for biblicists is alive to a visionist
Or maybe it diminished as/The businesses and citizens
Became hypocrites, cynics 'n' imperialists
Sometimes we get lost in the games that they play
And this stadium we call life has resonated in your cranium
With every passin' day that you stay
Through our blamin' him it started changin' him and that lead to our hatin' him
Maybe/We're the cause of our lives/Maybe/Our thoughts control our future
Maybe we're all connected in some way or another and sometime over time
We'll come to realise this and apply it/Not live inside a stupor
Soldiers return from wounds that hurt to greet their yearned
For the first time in the street/Where the heat could burn
They toss and turn at night/With the nightmares of war loomin' at the apex of their mind
With those horrible sights

[Hook]
So tell me/How did we get here
So tell me/Does a life mean nothin'?
So tell me/Is it not clear?
That we never see nothin'
Until that somethin' is abundant
So tell me/Am I holdin' onto false hope?
So tell me/Can this world ever cope
So, tell me/Is this expectation insanity
And a form of profanity against
The standing dream of reality?

It's a crazy world

[V3]
I'm in the minority/Of appreciation
So many people I meet are with hatred so basic
They say that they hated debatin' their placement
On this Earth/And tryda conceal weakness with yet another curse
And if it's self-explanotory/They wanna cause some damaging
Then interactingly/They shouldn't expect to be treated upstandingly
Enpicture treatin' someone like a person when they treat you like vermon
They stomp on you like a worm 'n'/They get you startin' to doubt your worth at birth 'n'
You wanna fight back/Embrace it/Face it/And get some vengence
But with everythin' you mention you feel like a lesser causin' tension
Our own kind/Are alone at night/And moan and cry
Not tongue but bone-tied and look at me/And my own eyes
Are tearin' up from the last of a past of bliss
'Cause no good can ever come of this/Never come of fists
But emotional capacity ain't a lastin' thing
Look at materialism and vanity start to control a man to be

[Hook/Outro]
So tell me/How did we get here
So tell me/Does a life mean nothin'?
So tell me/Is it not clear?
That we never see nothin'
Until that somethin' is abundant
So tell me/Am I holdin' onto false hope?
So tell me/Can this world ever cope
So, tell me/Is this expectation insanity
And a form of profanity against
The standing dream of reality?

[Jack_Farrell]

Imagine this were in a real song. It drags on and on, you have a lot of good lines but you need to shorten it. There's a central theme but then there are like 7 sub-themes in it.

"With the nightmares of war loomin' at the apex of their mind" This shit is great.

"And this stadium we call life has resonated in your cranium" This tries too hard to rhyme and loses cohesion.

"Never come of fists" What the fuck is this, lol.

"And if it's self-explanotory/They wanna cause some damaging
Then interactingly/They shouldn't expect to be treated upstandingly"

"And it's self-explanatory that they want to cause some damage" would be better, the second line also falls short of what you intend to do and doesn't flow well at all. Another flaw your verses have is that there is little flow for the sake of putting smart words into it. Actually, you should pick your best lines, like the first one I mentioned, and just drop the others.

[Calvin]

Thanks for your advice, I'll try to change some of it but in regards to the flow, I wrote these lyrics to this instrumental http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E-1acn_RzRA and it all flowed really well (IMO) I might record something one of these days and post it up on here so you can hear it for yourself

The "Never come of fists" line ties into the whole theme of how violent the world has become (I was trying to address different elements of how things have changed over time and the effects of these changes which is why there may be many sub-themes as change is a broad concept).

Other than that, thanks for the advice and I'll try to reword some of this later.

[Star Scream]

very awesome rap this has a lot of potential