Results 1 to 5 of 5

Thread: Let me go

  1. #1
    We are the nobodies Seinfeld's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Everywhere. The world is my palace
    Posts
    3,665

    Let me go

    Let me go:

    I was thinking we could get along
    But once again, you've proven me wrong
    Just five minutes too many of about a million more to go
    Watching you kiss him and now I wanna let you know...

    I'm going now, gone for good
    Find someone else to fill the shoes in which I once stood
    I'm leaving you, on my own for now
    Find someone else who likes to be put down
    I'm never coming back, no matter what you say
    You went one step too many over the line today

    And I could've been yours if you would've opened your eye's
    I would've been yours if you would've seen through the lies
    But now I'm broken and I'm sick of you ignoring my cries

    Swept off my feet, left high and dry and the floor won't break my fall
    I'll just keep sinking further and further and it's all your fault
    Plunged me to the depths of your nothing, inside you're just so hollow
    It's funny how I keep sinking and falling eventhough your so shallow

    I was just thinking I could get over you
    But yet again you had to show me what you had to prove
    You tugged at my leash and I came running back
    Knife driven deeper than ever and I just want you to know that:

    I'm going now, gone for good
    Find someone else to fill the shoes in which I once stood
    I'm leaving you, on my own for now
    Find someone else who likes to be put down
    I'm never coming back, no matter what you say
    You went one step too many over the line today

    I say I've had enough...

    but I just can't let go...

    no...you won't let me go...

    memories of you just won't let me go...

    Oh, please...please...just let me go...






    Hope someone likes it
    Last edited by Seinfeld; 12-22-2006 at 05:30 PM.
    George Costanza: 3 pints of Kramer's blood!?

    Jerry Seinfeld:Yeah! I can feel his blood inside of me...y'know? Borrowing things from my blood!

    !!!

    Formerly known as Mr. Nobody

  2. #2
    antichrist esaul17's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    Toronto, Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    2,610
    Good job. I really like this piece. I've felt similar to that before, being treated like garbage and being unable to say why I love someone, but loving them nonetheless and not being able to do anything but be trampled on.

  3. #3
    We are the nobodies Seinfeld's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Everywhere. The world is my palace
    Posts
    3,665
    Quote Originally Posted by esaul17 View Post
    Good job. I really like this piece. I've felt similar to that before, being treated like garbage and being unable to say why I love someone, but loving them nonetheless and not being able to do anything but be trampled on.
    Thank you...glad you can relate to it

  4. #4
    Mind Your Manners. Luke's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jun 2004
    Location
    LANDAN!!!
    Posts
    15,221
    Chris, it's good but I don't think it's by no means a finished piece of work. There are certain parts which I thought with a different style of language could have really improved this. For example:

    I was thinking we could get along
    But once again, you've proven me wrong
    This start to the piece lacks power. I can't stress enough to people that an opening to any piece of work needs either a really powerful opening or a gripping first verse/stanza otherwise the tone of the piece will come across as very low key and, not dull, but somewhat offputting by it's lack of attention factor.

    I'd also like to highlight this whole bit:

    I'm going now, gone for good
    Find someone else to fill the shoes in which I once stood
    I'm leaving you, on my own for now
    Find someone else who likes to be put down
    I'm never coming back, no matter what you say
    You went one step too many over the line today
    First of all I hate it when people use 6 lines for a chorus/verse/stanza because to get a proper rythem going it needs to be either 4 or 8 onwards. However I'm not too concerned by this because it's entirely you're option to do so. However if there's one thing that's worse than using the dreadful 6 line syndrome (that's the name I came up for it lol) it's the sheer lack of emotive language used in the chorus. I feel that a chorus needs to really stand out in a piece because it's almost as if the verses are building up towards the chorus however unfortunatly Chris this not only lacks emotive language but it also lacks imagery, consistant language and once again the appeal factor.

    However, by no means should you take my critism as me saying it's a bad piece of work. It's quite good but by putting a bit more energy and time into it aswell as revising certain vocabulary in places you'd get a top notch bit of work here. It's got a good theme but with my suggestions I feel you could create something special here. You're probably wondering ''why the hell is he tutoring me like this'' lol. The reason is that I've seen some of your work before Chris and I've even collaborated on a piece of work you've done before and I know you have good writing capeabilities, don't let yourself down by creating mediocre work. I meant everything I said in the most positive way.

    Anyway Merry Christmas

    Luke

  5. #5
    We are the nobodies Seinfeld's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Location
    Everywhere. The world is my palace
    Posts
    3,665
    Thanks I'll work on it...

    Merry Christmas to you too

Thread Information

Users Browsing this Thread

There are currently 1 users browsing this thread. (0 members and 1 guests)

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •