burning fire

[fallenangel]

this is my first attempt at a long poem so if theres things wrong with it, then please let me know.
all comments welcome!

dancing around the fire feeling the heat as i move
feeling the passion of the flames lapping up my live, raw heart
you look into my eyes, so deeply and so controling
i know that i would die if we were apart

out in the deep, dark wood you take my hand
your so cold, smooth and i start to shudder
but deep inside i still feel the burning fire
you stop and stare deep into my eyes and start to mutter

i've found you now and we'll be bound for eternity
my heart beats fast with every word that is spoken
he holds me close, touch is cold, sensation red hot
we are intertwined together with mouths wide open

you start to kiss my neck, so soft and so gentle
then the kisses get harder and i look up to see
my blood all around your lips and dripping all over
i look to see your fangs glisting at me

i guess it's my time to go, what a better way to die
with a dark stranger looking into my eyes
i feel my life slipping away from me
i suppose this is the was it's ment to be

[D_A_V_I_D]

OK, wiered but cool. Nice twist at the end. Didn't see that comming. Great stuff. Keep writing.

[lpsk8er]

Nice job.

You should edit some stuff.

[Il inno di morte]

Originally posted by D_A_V_I_D@Apr 10 2005, 06:10 PM
OK, wiered but cool. Nice twist at the end. Didn't see that comming.

yeah, i agree. the topic is just fucking awesome. I love the way you twisted all up in the end. i liked the flow of your poem, and its really good for being one of your first long ones. congrats! each day you keep getting better and better. please keep on writing!!!

[fallenangel]

thanks all for the comments.
this was actually adapted from a short story of mine and it was quite hard to reduce it to a poem. anyway, i enjoyed the challange!

[ahamLP]

Well I remember I had told you that you seem to be a better writing short ones rather than longer ones,but after reading this I guess you proved me wrong ,the poems is cool,I mean the way you have witten and the words used are superb,great write and keep the great write coming.

[fallenangel]

Well I remember I had told you that you seem to be a better writing short ones rather than longer ones,but after reading this I guess you proved me wrong ,the poems is cool,I mean the way you have witten and the words used are superb,great write and keep the great write coming.

thank you soooo much! you have been so supportive since day one!