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  1. #1
    I'm Ron F***ing Swanson. Mark's Avatar
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    ST. PAUL -- Mitch Hedberg, a Minnesota-born comedian who worked in nightclubs, college campuses, television and film in a wide-ranging career, and who struggled with drugs and alcohol, died in New Jersey, his family said. He was 37.

    Hedberg died Wednesday in a hotel room in Livingston, N.J. Pending the medical examiner's report, the cause of death appears to be heart failure, said his mother, Mary Hedberg. She said her son was born with a heart defect and frequently felt anxious about his condition.

    Mary Hedberg said speculation that her son's death was drug-related was gossip.

    "We don't know that for a fact," she said, but added, "it's not a secret Mitch used drugs. Whether that played a role in his death or not, we don't know."

    Jokes about Hedberg's drug use were a staple of his act and he took a hiatus from performing for several months after a May 2003 arrest in Austin, Texas, for felony possession of heroin.

    Hedberg was born in St. Paul. After graduating from Harding High School, he rose through the ranks at Minneapolis' Acme Comedy Co. and caught his big break through a Comedy Central special.

    Hedberg's one-liners, dished off in a spacy staccato, were based on absurdist, random observations. His long, dirty blond hair harkened to the image of a 1970s stoner.

    A hit on "The Late Show With David Letterman," on which he appeared 10 times, and "The Howard Stern Show," Hedberg once was dubbed "the next Seinfeld" by Time magazine. But TV-series fame eluded him because his unique style of mumbled one-liners didn't lend itself to the sitcom format. His rambling, non-sequitur style often drew comparisons to Steven Wright, but Hedberg disagreed.

    "If I made potato chips and put them in a can, people would say I was ripping off Pringles," he said. "But what if I put them in a bag?"

    Hedberg had two popular comedy CDs, "Strategic Grill Locations" and "Mitch All Together." He acted in the movie "Almost Famous" -- smoking fake pot with Peter Frampton -- and appeared on Fox's hit series "That '70s Show."

    Drawing on kitchen jobs he held before becoming a performer, he wrote, directed, produced and acted in the slacker comedy "Los Enchiladas," filmed at St. Paul's Boca Chica restaurant and the Maplewood Mall. The film was featured at the 1999 Sundance Film Festival.

    Hedberg was held in high regard among his peers.

    "He was the greatest comedian ever," said his close friend, Doug Stanhope of cable TV's "The Man Show," who recently opened for Hedberg.

    He is survived by his wife, comedian Lynn Shawcroft, his father and mother, Arne and Mary Hedberg of St. Paul, and sisters Wendy Brown of Woodbury and Angie Anderson of South St. Paul.

    Visitation was scheduled for Monday at Woodbury Funeral Chapel in Woodbury, with funeral services Tuesday at St. Ambrose Catholic Church in Woodbury. Burial will be private.
    I am devestated. This happened two days ago. THIS IS NOT AN APRIL FOOL'S JOKE.

    This man was the king of one-liners. He was absolutely hilarious, from his delivery to his writing. He will be largely largely missed.

    Everyone should check out his "Strategic Grill Locations" cd. Funniest thing I've ever heard.

    Some quotes (well, alot of quotes);

    I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn't grow shit.

    I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

    Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.

    I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

    I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

    I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Boy, you really like Tide."

    I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument, because I tried to walk out, and had to slam the flap.

    I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

    I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. It's not the photographer's fault. Bigfoot is blurry. And that's extra scary to me, because there's a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run. He's fuzzy. Get outta here.

    I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

    My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She made it half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

    I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

    If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be fucked up.

    I like vending machines, because snacks are better when they fall.

    Pickles are cucumbers that sold out.

    I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music." As if there's any other way to take it in.

    2-in-1 is a bullshit term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

    I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

    This shirt is dry clean only. Which means...it's dirty.

    At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."

    My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Fuck. Seven. I need more dice."

    I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.

    I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time.

    I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.

    I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

    The thing about tennis is: no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless.

    I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said "Fuck it. Cut em up."

    A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

    An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

    Because of Acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

    So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.


    You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.


    This product that was on TV was available for four easy payments of $19.95. I would like a product that was available for three easy payments and one complicated payment. We can't tell you which payment it is, but one of these payments is going to hard.


    You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.


    I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.


    I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. "What time is it, Mitch?" "Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger." "Shit, I had to be somewhere..."


    I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed.


    At my hotel room, my friend came over and asked to use the phone. I said "Certainly." He said "Do I need to dial 9?" I say "Yeah. Especially if it's in the number. You can try four and five back to back real quick."


    I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...


    I saw a human pyramid once. It was totally unnecessary.

    This shirt is dry clean only. Which means... It's dirty.


    I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".


    My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.


    I snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.

    Sometimes I wake up and I think I should start wearing a beret, but I don't do it though. One day I'm gonna though. You bet your ass, I will have a beret on. That's ridiculous, but it's true. I always fight with wearing a beret.

    A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"

    I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

    It's hard to dance if you just your lost wallet. "Whoa! Where's my wallet? But, hey this song is funky..."

    It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.

    Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?

    If I was a locksmith, I'd be pimping that out man. I'll trade you a free key duplication for... That joke made me laugh before I could finish it, which is good, because it had no ending.

    I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..."

    I wrote a letter to my dad - I wrote, "I really enjoy being here," but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, "I rarely drive steamboats, dad - there's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator." This letter took a harsh turn right away...

    I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get ahold of me they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "what" and turn my head slightly...

    Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.

    I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

    I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.

    People teach their dogs to sit, it's a trick. I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

    My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."

    I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.

    An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."

    I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day...

    A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

    I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.

    That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."

    If you had a friend who was a tightrope walker, and you were walking down a sidewalk, and he fell, that would be completely unacceptible...

    I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

    I have a cheese-shredder at home, which is its positive name. They don't call it by its negative name, which is sponge-ruiner. Because I wanted to clean it, and now I have little bits of sponge that would melt easily over tortilla chips...

    If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.

    I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

    My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

    Every time I go and shave, I assume there is somebody else on the planet shaving as well, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave too."

    Why are there no during pictures.

    I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.


    I had a velco wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.

    Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

    I type a 101 words a minute. But it's in my own language.

    My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.

    I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

    I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.

    I had a bag of fritos, they were texas grilled fritos. These fritos had grill marks on them. They remind me of something, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on, better flip that frito, dad, you know how I like mine.

    I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.

    I hate flossing, I wish I just had one long curvy tooth.

    The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'll say, "Just press two for a while, when I answer, you'll know that you've pressed two enough."

    My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when your gambling. I'm gonna need some more dice, 4 billion divided by 6, at least.

    A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

    You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".

    I like buying snacks from a vending machine because food is better when it falls. Sometimes at the grocery, I'll drop a candy bar so that it will achieve its maximum flavor potential.

    On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?

    My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

    I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

    I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

    I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but has the same meaning. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly...

    I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill...

    ...and then at the end of the letter I like to write "P.S. - this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

    I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.

    I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

    The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

    My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said "No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah."

    Mr. Pibb is a poor imitation of Dr. Pepper. Dude didn't even get his degree

  2. #2
    About To Blow Chunks LornVourkolakas's Avatar
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    Originally posted by Mark@Apr 1 2005, 08:29 PM
    ST. PAUL -- Mitch Hedberg, a Minnesota-born comedian who worked in nightclubs, college campuses, television and film in a wide-ranging career, and who struggled with drugs and alcohol, died in New Jersey, his family said. He was 37.

    Hedberg died Wednesday in a hotel room in Livingston, N.J. Pending the medical examiner's report, the cause of death appears to be heart failure, said his mother, Mary Hedberg. She said her son was born with a heart defect and frequently felt anxious about his condition.

    Mary Hedberg said speculation that her son's death was drug-related was gossip.

    "We don't know that for a fact," she said, but added, "it's not a secret Mitch used drugs. Whether that played a role in his death or not, we don't know."

    Jokes about Hedberg's drug use were a staple of his act and he took a hiatus from performing for several months after a May 2003 arrest in Austin, Texas, for felony possession of heroin.

    Hedberg was born in St. Paul. After graduating from Harding High School, he rose through the ranks at Minneapolis' Acme Comedy Co. and caught his big break through a Comedy Central special.

    Hedberg's one-liners, dished off in a spacy staccato, were based on absurdist, random observations. His long, dirty blond hair harkened to the image of a 1970s stoner.

    A hit on "The Late Show With David Letterman," on which he appeared 10 times, and "The Howard Stern Show," Hedberg once was dubbed "the next Seinfeld" by Time magazine. But TV-series fame eluded him because his unique style of mumbled one-liners didn't lend itself to the sitcom format. His rambling, non-sequitur style often drew comparisons to Steven Wright, but Hedberg disagreed.

    "If I made potato chips and put them in a can, people would say I was ripping off Pringles," he said. "But what if I put them in a bag?"

    Hedberg had two popular comedy CDs, "Strategic Grill Locations" and "Mitch All Together." He acted in the movie "Almost Famous" -- smoking fake pot with Peter Frampton -- and appeared on Fox's hit series "That '70s Show."

    Drawing on kitchen jobs he held before becoming a performer, he wrote, directed, produced and acted in the slacker comedy "Los Enchiladas," filmed at St. Paul's Boca Chica restaurant and the Maplewood Mall. The film was featured at the 1999 Sundance Film Festival.

    Hedberg was held in high regard among his peers.

    "He was the greatest comedian ever," said his close friend, Doug Stanhope of cable TV's "The Man Show," who recently opened for Hedberg.

    He is survived by his wife, comedian Lynn Shawcroft, his father and mother, Arne and Mary Hedberg of St. Paul, and sisters Wendy Brown of Woodbury and Angie Anderson of South St. Paul.

    Visitation was scheduled for Monday at Woodbury Funeral Chapel in Woodbury, with funeral services Tuesday at St. Ambrose Catholic Church in Woodbury. Burial will be private.
    I am devestated. This happened two days ago. THIS IS NOT AN APRIL FOOL'S JOKE.

    This man was the king of one-liners. He was absolutely hilarious, from his delivery to his writing. He will be largely largely missed.

    Everyone should check out his "Strategic Grill Locations" cd. Funniest thing I've ever heard.
    I never heard of the guy.

    He died pretty young, though. That sucks. =\

  3. #3
    You Greasy Bastard Ryan's Avatar
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    Was Mitch Hedberg the guy who had the song about 'morning wood'?

  4. #4
    I'm Ron F***ing Swanson. Mark's Avatar
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    Mitch Hedberg was a stand-up comic. One of the best, if I may add. I'm not sure if he had a song like that.

  5. #5
      Tomi's Avatar
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    Never heard of him.

    That's a young age to die at thou.

  6. #6
    MEE† ∆† L∆KE $pvcxGhxztCasey's Avatar
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    I believe I was just listening to a set of his on XM Satellite Radio last Monday.

    Damn.

  7. #7
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    I was very devastated when I heard about this.

    R.I.P

    Mitch Hedberg.

    "Don't Disturb, do not psyches you out. It's like Do, alright, I get to disturb this guy. Not, SHIT! I need to read faster!" - Mitch Hedberg

    He will be missed.

  8. #8
    You Greasy Bastard Ryan's Avatar
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    Yah I was watching a set of his the other day too but I didn't realize it was Mitch until today. Damn he is really damn good, too bad he passed away. RIP

  9. #9
    Don't hate, intoxicate. Darcy's Avatar
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    Wow, I might cry. Mitch Hedbert is my favorite comedian ever. Good memories of listening to him with my best friend on the way to a Social Distortion concert...wow.
    ...dreaming about bourbon in the trauma ward.

  10. #10
    I broke the dam. Whimsicality's Avatar
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    Shit. :'(
    Lyndie is back. Oh my.

  11. #11
    Extremely H! Vltg3 Ronin's Avatar
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    my brother was a major fan, and is truly upset over this....rest in peace man...



    I'm Strong On The Surface, But Not All The Way Through.
    I've Never Been Perfect, But Neither have You.


  12. #12
    lolwut Link's Avatar
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    AW SHIT.
    I fucking loved that guy. Take Kathleen Madigan or Jeff Foxworthy instead. DAMNIT! This is why I don't come to serious chat.

  13. #13
    is Keaton
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    Damn, that sucks. He was a great comedian.

    Man... he will be missed greatly....

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