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Dedicated
02-25-2004, 06:19 PM
COCA COLA INTRODUCES NEW 30-LITER SIZE
Bottle Will Be Unwieldy, Unconvenient

ATLANTA—The Coca-Cola Corporation held a press conference yesterday to announce that its soft drinks will soon be available exclusively in 30-liter plastic bottles. According to company spokespeople, Coke's decision to sell its product in what many consider to be overly large containers is not based on a specific study or survey of consumer demands, but rather on the company's desire to make a resounding display of its corporate might.

http://img13.photobucket.com/albums/v39/Dedicated/30literbottle.gif
The new bottles (above) take up an enormous amount of display space.

Several major soft-drink companies attempted to improve on the standard two-liter size bottle by introducing a three-liter size in 1985, but the new size failed because of difficulties with storage and carbonation loss.

"The three-liter didn't fail because it was too big, but because it was not big enough," Coca-Cola CEO Vic Hertner said. "With our new 30-liter size, that won't be a problem. Two liters is nothing. I could urinate two liters for you right now. But 30 liters? That's untouchable."

The new plastic bottle is nearly four feet tall, and weighs 274 pounds when filled with Coke. In development tests, it took an average of three men to lift the new bottle. The product will fit in an average refrigerator, but only when all other products and shelving have been removed. Most inconvenient of all, the new Coke will go flat if not drunk within 17 minutes, even if it is promptly recapped. The Coca-Cola Corporation does not see these factors as drawbacks.

"By requiring three men to lift the bottle, our new product will encourage a sense of community," Hertner said. "The popular image of the lonely soda drinker wasting his life away in solitude will no longer be relevant, because anyone wanting to drink the new Coke will need two buddies to get the soda home, and at least 10 buddies to drink it all. The quick loss of carbonation might lead to tiny problems, but what are people going to do? Stop drinking Coke? I think not."

Sociologists see Coke's plan to manufacture the 30-liter bottle as the logical next step. "It makes sense," Stanford Professor Edmund Tillerton said. "Americans like big things. Big sky, big cars, big stereo speakers, big dicks and big TV sets. It would follow that we would like big bottles of Coke. We like things to be larger than life, and that's what the new Coke size is."

Coke stressed that the new 30-liter bottle would not be merely a new size option, but will soon be the only size option. "We're phasing out the smaller cans and bottles, as well as two-liter sizes," Hertner said. "We're confident that people will take to the new 30-liter size. Besides, they won't have a choice. We own Minute Maid as well. Soon, all orange juice will only be available in 30-liter sizes. Fruitopia as well. We will buy controlling stock in every beverage company and force them to follow suit. We are very confident. Did I mention that we own a small nation? If the people of this country don't like the newly sized product, we'll simply declare war. We will bury you."

Consumers are eager to sample the new size. "I like Coke a lot, so it would follow that I would like a lot of Coke," Linda Jillerman of Cincinnati said. "For the last 13 years, I've been working on a mechanism to funnel Coke into larger containers. I had to quit my job to do this, but it was worth it. Now, with the new size, Coke does all the work! I'll be able to get my old job back!"

The new size is ready for the public, and the public is ready for it. After considering "Coka-Munga" and "The Shitload," executives settled on "Family Size" as the product's official name.

An extensive promotional campaign for the new size is also in the works. The Coca-Cola company is considering exhuming the corpse of wrestling legend Andre The Giant for use as the product's spokesman. If Andre is chosen, Coca-Cola will reanimate him in the same laboratories where the Coca-Cola head executives were cloned. "Ve velcome zees challenge," head scientist Günther Brauerhauer said.
This is a hoax, I wonder who will fall for it...

ass_kicker
02-25-2004, 06:22 PM
30 liters? woooooooooooop! but whos gonna buy it anyway? isnt it f*cking heavy?

Dedicated
02-25-2004, 06:24 PM
Originally posted by ass_kicker@Feb 25 2004, 06:22 PM
30 liters? woooooooooooop! but whos gonna buy it anyway? isnt it f*cking heavy?
Read the whole thing :lol: :chemist: :whistle: :shifty:

Phantom Duck
02-25-2004, 06:34 PM
Dude.


You're not fooling LPa with that.

That should be in random chat, not to mention...

WTF, it's hilarious, leave it here!

ass_kicker
02-25-2004, 06:36 PM
hahah... so they will hire people to carry the bottles around... mahahah... meh thats some funny stuff right there... hahah three man carrying your coke around!!!... i think thats hilarious...
but its so stupid too... its wasting money... stupid human race... meh...

limited_edition
02-25-2004, 07:08 PM
WOW&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33; thats massive how you gonna get it home...."will go flat if not drunk within 17 minutes, even if it is promptly recapped." <-- quote...how you gonna drink that it 17minutes???? LOL



are you sure bout this?

ass_kicker
02-25-2004, 07:11 PM
get your 30 litres now, people... hah... so basically you need to drink it in 17 minutes. how stupid is that?

Debus
02-25-2004, 07:13 PM
LMFAO&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33; :lol:

Hana
02-25-2004, 07:20 PM
:lol: ROFLMAO&#33;

Matt
02-25-2004, 07:25 PM
Originally posted by ass_kicker@Feb 25 2004, 07:11 PM
get your 30 litres now, people... hah... so basically you need to drink it in 17 minutes. how stupid is that?
Party&#33;&#33;&#33;It&#39;s that simple. ^_^

Debus
02-25-2004, 07:26 PM
Originally posted by [Matt]+Feb 25 2004, 07:25 PM--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE ([Matt] @ Feb 25 2004, 07:25 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin--ass_kicker@Feb 25 2004, 07:11 PM
get your 30 litres now, people... hah... so basically you need to drink it in 17 minutes. how stupid is that?
Party&#33;&#33;&#33;It&#39;s that simple. ^_^ [/b][/quote]
Lol yeah just what i was thinking&#33; Get loads of friends round and it will all be gone soon :lol:

Will
02-25-2004, 07:52 PM
That&#39;s the dumbest thing ever and I&#39;m glad it&#39;s fake.

arT saveS
02-25-2004, 10:19 PM
Originally posted by Will@Feb 25 2004, 01:52 PM
That&#39;s the dumbest thing ever and I&#39;m glad it&#39;s fake.
I believed it, my mouth was open the whole time after it said "the only size option."

EvolutionaryFuse
02-25-2004, 10:42 PM
wooaaaa, im liking that



*calls for mom to start the car* :thumbsup:

Ander
02-25-2004, 10:54 PM
<-drinks pepsi

muahahahaha&#33; Take that Coke&#33; :lol:

...

Yea, I know its fake :P

Whimsicality
02-25-2004, 10:55 PM
LMAO....

If that were true I would buy one just so I could have a huge coke bottle...

Cal
02-25-2004, 11:09 PM
f**k i thought it was real :mellow:

EvolutionaryFuse
02-25-2004, 11:17 PM
imagine if it was real, and it was the start of giants taking over earth................................................................................................................ Noway :lol:

mp066
02-25-2004, 11:26 PM
hahahaha&#33; that was hilarious. i love the urinating part.... :lol:

EvolutionaryFuse
02-25-2004, 11:28 PM
Originally posted by mp066@Feb 25 2004, 11:26 PM
hahahaha&#33; that was hilarious. i love the urinating part.... :lol:
lol yer "i could urinate 2 liters for you right now" :lol:

<Tino>
02-25-2004, 11:40 PM
First time i looke at it i thought it was real :)

LPNeSSRGB
02-25-2004, 11:42 PM
:lol: Hahahaha, I thought it was for real when I read the title. That was funny as hell. ^_^

TeMpEsT
02-26-2004, 03:25 AM
HOLY HELL THAT&#39;S A MONSTER&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33;&#33; :o

Amy
02-26-2004, 05:29 AM
:lol: :lol:

How awesome would that be?&#33;

ass_kicker
02-26-2004, 08:27 AM
i actually believed it... stupid me but its hilarious anyways :lol:

Phantom Duck
02-26-2004, 02:14 PM
Originally posted by Reyes@Feb 25 2004, 11:09 PM
f**k i thought it was real :mellow:
Dave and me actually bet u would believe this :lol:

limited_edition
02-26-2004, 04:58 PM
i told my m8s they believed me LMFAO hehehe i still havent told them yet :D bit mean


any more embrassing storys bout you believing it

Evi
02-26-2004, 05:05 PM
i thought it was real&#33;&#33;&#33; :lol: hilarious

ella1432
02-29-2004, 06:25 PM
off subject, but what is LMFAO?
:mike: :lol: :P

Nikki
02-29-2004, 10:30 PM
God I thought it was real then until I read the last bits.

Lovely find there mate, made me giggle.

(ella: LMFAO = Laughing my fucking arse/ass off).

limited_edition
03-01-2004, 12:18 AM
i though it was real for a bit (not long) after that i wanted it to be true because it would be cool B)

How did you find it?

Anthony.
03-01-2004, 03:40 AM
The bigger the better :lol: .

It&#39;s sad it&#39;s fake, I&#39;d have bought one :lol: .