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Star Scream
11-04-2011, 01:39 AM
i hope there is no thread like this............... just post your jokes.......... and even if you think it wont be funny post it anyway cause it might be funny to some other people.;)

................try to restrain from racism pls

Star Scream
11-04-2011, 01:42 AM
this is a true story. it happened in my class just recently. it is a conversation between the teacher and the student.

Student: sir look how buff i am

Teacher: you have nothing mate

Student: my shirt always rips cause of how buff i am

Teacher: then you better stop buying size 0-5

Student: (no comment)

Class: (laughs)

Hybrid
11-04-2011, 02:30 AM
Me: "Hey Derek, what do you get when you add 16 and 23?"
Derek: "thirty-ni-- :FUUUUUU: "
Me: :trollface:

Star Scream
11-04-2011, 03:19 AM
bahahhaha

nice

Dusty
11-04-2011, 02:48 PM
Dave works hard at the plant and spends most evenings bowling or playing basketball at the gym. His wife thinks he is pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says,
"Hey, Dave, how ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual
Budweiser. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come
here a lot for that woman to know you drink Budweiser".

"No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with
them."

A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave.
"Hi Davey," she says, "Want your usual table dance?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the
door, he jumps in beside her and she starts screaming at him.

The cabby turns his head and says,
"Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."!

Dean
11-04-2011, 03:20 PM
What do you do with a dead chemist?























Barium

Hybrid
11-04-2011, 06:03 PM
So a horse walks into a bar. The bartender says "Why the long... Hey, this sounds like a joke I once heard!"

Super Sonic
11-04-2011, 06:10 PM
Why did the chicken cross the road?












































To get to the other side. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Ree
11-04-2011, 07:39 PM
I went to a cannibal party last night. I had a ball.

:lol:

Edit: This isn't a joke I made up, I just found it funny.

JJ
11-04-2011, 07:49 PM
I wish I could write joeks..



My boss screamed at me this morning - "Its the fifth time you've been late for work this week! Do you know what that means!?!"

I replied... "It's probably Friday"

:awesome:

Dusty
11-04-2011, 09:04 PM
"Two cannibals are eating a clown …

One says to the other, does this taste funny to you?"

El Muerto
11-04-2011, 10:52 PM
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

-----------------------

A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later,Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

Pidgeon
11-04-2011, 10:55 PM
why are they called seagulls
























Because if they flew over the bay they would be baygulls :rofl:

Dusty
11-04-2011, 11:05 PM
101 Ways To Annoy People

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.

2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."

3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."

4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."

5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.

6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <

7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.

8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.

9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".

10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.

11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.

12. Sniffle incessantly.

13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.

14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."

16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."

17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."

18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".

19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."

20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.

21. Practice making fax and modem noises.

22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.

23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.

25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."

26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."

27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.

28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.

29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.

30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.

31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.

32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."

34. Drum on every available surface.

35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.

36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.

37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.

38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.

39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.

40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.

41. Set alarms for random times.

42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.

43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.

44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.

45. Honk and wave to strangers.

46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.

47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.

48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.

49. Wear your pants backwards.

50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"

52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.

53. only type in lowercase.

54. dont use any punctuation either

55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.

56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.

57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.

58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.

59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.

60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.

61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."

62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.

63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.

64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.

65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."

66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.

67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.

68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."

69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.

70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.

71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.

72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.

73. Drive half a block.

74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.

75. Ask people what gender they are.

76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.

77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.

78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".

79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.

80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.

81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.

82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.

83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."

84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.

86. Wear a LOT of cologne.

87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."

88. Sing along at the opera.

89. Mow your lawn with scissors.

90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"

91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."

92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.

93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."

94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."

95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.

96. Never make eye contact.

97. Never break eye contact.

98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.

99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.

100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.

101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.

Pidgeon
11-04-2011, 11:18 PM
this ones an oldie but a goodie:
A man dies and goes to heaven. He walks up to a gate and see's the gate, the gate keeper, and behind the gate is a wall of clocks. He walks up to the gate keeper and asks
"whats the wall of clocks for?"
"Those are lie clocks, they show how many times people have lied."
"Whose clock is that?" He points at a clock.
"Thats Mother Teresa's clock, she's never lied."
"And who's is that?"
"Thats Abraham Lincoln's clock, he's only lied once."
"Where's George Bush's clock?"
"Thats in jesus' office, he's using it as a ceiling fan." :lgh:

Dean
11-04-2011, 11:33 PM
How do you make a baby go woof?























Cover it in oil and light a match

Star Scream
11-07-2011, 12:22 AM
keep it up all your jokes are epic!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! lolololololololollololololol

jedibeaner
11-07-2011, 01:36 AM
How do you wake up Lady Gaga?





Poke her face. :awesome:

Gitsnik
11-07-2011, 09:17 PM
How do you make a cat go woof?
Cover it in oil and light a match

How do you make a dog go meow?

Put it in the freezer until he becomes an icecube and cut him in two with a chainsaw: meeeeeeeeooooooooooooooow!!!


__________________________________________________ _________________________________________

What does a Hindu?

Dean
11-07-2011, 09:22 PM
What do you call a short sighted dinosaur


























A doyouthinkhesaurus

Hybrid
11-07-2011, 11:00 PM
Gov. Scott Walker is the right choice for hard workers and their families.

Zombie Jeff
11-10-2011, 12:33 AM
Saw this on a FB post:

Q: Why is Skrillex so bad at fishing?
A: Because he always drops the bass!


:lol:

Pidgeon
11-10-2011, 12:47 AM
ok: 2 guys are in a bar. Guy 1 tells guy 2
"If you jump off the empire state building by the time you reach the 10th floor, the wind will push you right back up."
guy2 says "nuh uh, show me." So they go to the top of the empire state building and guy 2 says:
Do it and then I'll do it." So guy 1 jumps and reaches the 30th, 20th, 10th, woop right back up.
"One more time then I'll do it." says guy 2. Guy 1 jumps again. 30th, 20th, 10th, right back up. Guy 2 jumps. 30th, 20th, 10th, 5th floor, splat. Guy 1 goes back to the bar and the bar tender tells him "Boy superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk." :rofl:

Hybrid
11-10-2011, 01:44 AM
Lol as I'm wearing my Superman shirt...

Mother: Why is there a strange baby in the crib?

Blonde Daughter: You told me to change the baby.

_cam_
11-10-2011, 06:11 AM
Why did the chicken cross the road?












































To get to the other side. :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

This is so corny but it made me laugh. :lol: I'm just bored, I guess. :lol:

Super Sonic
11-10-2011, 05:20 PM
This is so corny but it made me laugh. :lol: I'm just bored, I guess. :lol:

:lol:

It made me laugh at the time.

Hybrid
11-10-2011, 07:49 PM
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even... 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

- When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.

Super Sonic
11-10-2011, 08:19 PM
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.
He asked if they were interested. Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even... 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.

- When they got home they found the mailman dead on the porch.

:rofl: Thats hilarious

Star Scream
11-20-2011, 11:58 PM
what did the right bum cheek say to the left bum cheek?





























the guy in the middle is an ass hole

Pidgeon
12-13-2011, 03:18 AM
how does moses make his tea? Hebrews it :rofl:

Super Sonic
12-13-2011, 08:18 AM
how does moses make his tea? Hebrews it :rofl:

lol