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Nikki
04-21-2003, 05:26 PM
I did this absolutley AGGGGEEEEESSSSS ago! I think this site was still just a teensy forum when I did this with the big brother script...

anyhow...a few warnings: For those that can't be bothered to read long posts...don't like sexual inuendos or are easily offended...leave this thread now (or PM me and I'll correct it.)

So then...brought to you by T3H Kat AND DC8P.com...here we go...it's POPSTARS...The LPA version ;) :
note: I sort of ran out of names...so I borrowed another friend of mine from another site :shifty:

------------------------

Week One - Auditions

Across the UK, thousands of budding young stars gather at auditions in the hope that they will be picked out for the chance to join a brand new pop group. The Poopstars panel, made up of sexy Kat, smarmy Susan and slightly-simple Dave are very impressed with the vast majority of the candidates. Derek's rendition of Agadoo in particular goes down a real treat.

Amy is also on impressive form, whipping out her enormous bongos and treating the judges to a blast of Ooh aah just a little bit by Gina G.

However one young hopeful sadly falls at the first hurdle. Will's belting recital of Meatloaf's I would do anything for love (But I won't do that) results in the tragic death of 17 contestants. He is subsequently dismissed from the competition and flees in tears.

Week Two - Second Round of Auditions

The hundreds of remaining candidates are invited to Skegness for further auditions in an attempt to whittle the numbers down to just 50. Straight away Amanda sets out her stall to impress the judges with a song and dance routine based upon the former Christmas Number One hit, Mr Blobby.

Everybody is delighted with the Mr Blobby rendition and, despite the fact that she's a fat biffer, Amanda makes it through to the next round of auditions. Caroline also progresses thanks to her amazing skills on the pink oboe.

Ali, unfortunately, isn't so lucky. The judges make the shock discovery that she doesn't actually fall into the correct age group for the competition. As soon as they realise that Ali is in fact a 73 year-old grandfather from Woking, they send her straight back to her retirement home. 'Perhaps we should have guessed from the zimmer frame', sighs judge Dave ruefully.

Week Three - Third Round

Camp club singer Bryan is the first hopeful to make a tit of himself after being invited to the third round of auditions in Ramsbottom. He attempts a flamboyant pirouette as the other contestants whistle Crazy for you by Let Loose. As he spins, he whacks Caroline in the face, sparking off a full-scale brawl between the two of them.

Less than impressed with this display of team harmony, the panel order both Bryan and Caroline to leave.

Judge Kat gives the remaining contestants a real scare when she calls them into a room and tells them she's got some bad news. 'I'm afraid you're all going to have to phone your parents and tell them you're coming down to London for the final stage of auditions', she says, to the relief of everyone. What a joker.

Week Four - London Auditions

The judges have now got 20 contestants left, and they need to get the number down to just ten. They split all of the hopefuls into groups and put them through a gruelling routine of poncing about and singing.

Bloater Amanda is a natural at this, but as she throws herself about like a randy hippo, the judges gather in a corner to whisper about her.

'Amanda's certainly got a big, erm, personality' says Susan tactfully. 'But there just isn't enough room in the band for her. She'll have to go.' Fortunately Amanda, with her well-rounded perspective on life, takes the news on the chins.

Derek is another candidate who has problems. He's been suffering from a severe bout of flatulence and Mark convinces him that drinking 12 pints of Diamond White the night before the final audition will provide a cure.

Funnily enough, when Derek wakes up, his flatulence is no better and his head hurts. Mark chuckles to himself, convinced that Derek will fail the audition and give Mark his path into the final 10 contestants.

However Mark's plan quite literally backfires when Kat informs the remaining hopefuls that today's audition involves farting New York, New York in the style of a barbershop quartet. Derek is the star of the show, while Mark barely raises a squeak. Perhaps surprisingly for a girl, Amy also blows the judges away with her methane skills.

Week Five - Final Decision

Only Derek and Amy remain in the final ten Poopstar contestants. The judges test out their communication skills by staging a mock press-conference.

However under heavy interrogation, Amy reveals that she used to be a drug-smuggling prostitute, although she only does it at weekends now. It's fair to say that Dave, Susan and Kat are not happy.

Derek fares a lot better, telling the hacks how much he admires Steps and how he's always wanted to be Kylie Minogue.

After the press conference, the judges sit down in a secret location to discuss their choice for the final band line-up. They spend literally minutes weighing up the pros and cons of each contestant before sitting back smugly and declaring 'Well darlings, we've got ourselves a band!'

The final decision

All that remains is for the candidates to be informed of the result. It is a decision which will undoubtedly change their lives for ever, and Derek and Amy are understandably nervous as they wait for the judges to visit them at home.

Kat struggles to reach Derek's remote home and after 3 weeks of travelling across frozen wasteland on a husky-driven sled she still hasn't reached the destination.

Susan, meanwhile, has popped round the corner for a cup of tea with Amy and her boyfriend Ricard. Over the cuppa, Susan breaks the bad news that Amy will not be chosen for the final band. 'Look at it this way...' Susan says comfortingly. 'You've always got your job at McDonalds'.

Eventually, despite the loss of three toes, Kat reaches Derek's igloo. She sits Derek down and tells him to take a deep breath. 'It's been the hardest decision I've ever had to make', Kat begins.

'But I'm afraid you haven't made it. In fact, none of you have. We're not even bothering with the band - we only did it for the TV ratings. There is a follow-up series next year you might be interested in taking part in though...'

'Yes?', enquires Derek, his eyes lighting up.

'Yes', says Kat. 'It's called 'How Poopstars Ruined My Life'. See you next year then...?'

Will
04-21-2003, 06:23 PM
I stopped reading it after it said I was out.

arT saveS
04-21-2003, 10:50 PM
I stopped reading at "Amy is also on impressive form"
Great song! ^_^

Nikki
04-21-2003, 11:04 PM
Originally posted by Project: Hybrid@Apr 21 2003, 10:50 PM
I stopped reading at "Amy is also on impressive form"
Great song! ^_^
it ain't a song :P

arT saveS
04-21-2003, 11:07 PM
:mellow: Oh...That's why is was different from other songs...cause it wasn't a song... :blush:

Derek
04-23-2003, 04:51 AM
Damn right Mark, mess with the assmaster and u get the gas blaster. Yes feel the force from my thunderous buttcheeks b*tch.

My a$$-ripping rendition of New York, New York was perfect Kat! How can you not at least sign ME? You can not say you have ever seen an anus with such rhythm. My a$$ is very talented and brought down the house with its lovely tunes and not so lovely odors.

Shall my a$$ now perform its cheek-parting rendition of Blue Danube? I'd be honored:

Doo! doo! doo! doo! doo!...*FFFRANT**FFFRANT*! *FFRANT**FFFRANT*!..doo! doo! doo! doo! doo!..*FFFRANT**FFFRANT*! *FFRANT**FFFRANT*!..Doo! doo! doo! doo! doo!...**FFFRANT**FFFRANT*! *FFRANT**FFFRANT*!..doo doo doo...*FRRANT* *FRRANNT* doo doo, doo..doo,doo..*fr-fra-franntt*

*bows* thank you.

Amy
04-23-2003, 11:49 AM
Is there anymore cool things like that, Kat?!

Mark
04-23-2003, 04:45 PM
I never win.....Derek had to eat all the beans before I could get to the supper table, didn't he? DIDN'T HE!

It's just.....unfair. :angry: :wth: :'(

Nikki
04-23-2003, 05:30 PM
there is indeed Amy...for there is also BIG BROTHER.
flood warning children!

Day 1 - Mark admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Kat. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Amy is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Derek later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.

2 - The house sit down for a discussion of how to organise simple chores. Will creates tension by stating that the kitchen is where the women belong. Sarah hits him with a fork.

3 - The housemates are set their first task by Big Brother - they must make a model of The pentagon out of Cat food. After much persuasion by Will, they gamble 50% of next week's food budget on completing the task.

4 - Training for the The pentagon task is well under way. However havoc ensues when Derek, who is rapidly developing a reputation as the laziest fat illegitimate offspring of unmarried parents in the house, eats half the Cat food. Sarah is furious.

5 - Today is the day when the The pentagon task must be completed. Things are going well until shortly before the end when Derek farts and blows The pentagon over. Big Brother announces that the task has been a failure. Kat cries.

6 - Will gets pecked on the arm by one of the Big Brother chickens. Not a very exciting day.

7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Kat admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a fork. Mark says he never wears condoms because they make his bollock sore and Will agrees. Amy goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Derek sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Will.

8- Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Mark goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Sarah and Kat are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Mark.

9 - Sarah and Kat are told of their nominations and burst into tears, before hugging everyone and telling them they love them. Amy sings them a song - wanksta - to make them feel better.

10 - The public vote Kat out of the house. She pretends not to be bothered but then breaks down and sobs that she should never have admitted about enjoying being spanked. Kat leaves.

11 - Relationships are strained in the house as the housemates come to terms with Kat's departure. The food budget is low due to the failure of last week's failed task. Amy has to make do without the cucumber she requested. Sarah is visibly depressed and is comforted by Will, who tries to touch her on her tits.

12 - The Big Brother pyschologist replays the footage of Will touching Sarah's tits over and over again. This is because it shows an interesting psychological incident, of course, not because it will increase the viewing figures. Big Brother sets the housemates the task of jogging on a running machine for twice the circumferance of the globe. They gamble 40% of the food budget on completing it.

13 - The running machine task is on target, despite the fact that Derek refuses to run because his bollock hurts a bit.

14 - Much jubilation in the house as the running machine task is completed. Derek finally manages to run the last 10 metres of the task and claims that without him they'd never have done it. Sarah calls Derek a lazy bollock.

15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Mark tells everyone individually that he thinks Sarah is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Sarah and Will are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Mark.

16 - The nominations are announced. Sarah can't believe she's been voted out two weeks in a row. Will is equally stunned and turns to Sarah for comfort. Derek is distraught and confesses to Amy that he thinks he is in love with Will. Amy says she doesn't fancy any of the housemates because they're all just too heterosexual and she's a lesbian, you know

17 - The public vote Will out of the house. Sarah says she is gutted and even gives Will a clipping of hair from her tits to prove how much she cares. Derek is also devastated but keeps his hair to himself. Will leaves.

18 - The Big Brother psychologist shows repeated clips of Sarah clipping the hair from her tits. Apparently this is an important psychological incident. The public obviously agree as viewing figures soar.

19 - Big Brother sets the housemates the task of burping the National Anthem of italy in 60 seconds. They gamble 50% of the food budget on completing it.

20 - Nobody has a clue what the National Anthem of italy sounds like but Derek says it's a bit like Dancing Queen. The housemates choose Mark as the one who must complete the task.

21 - Mark successfully burps not only the National Anthem of italy but also God Save The Queen, wanksta and the theme tune to The Tweenies. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.

22 - Nominations are due and Mark tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Derek and Amy are nominated.

23 - Derek and Amy take their nominations well and sit down with Mark and Sarah to discuss why they voted for them. Mark keeps quiet but Sarah accuses Derek of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred bollock before bursting into tears.

24 - The public vote Amy out of the house and nobody really gives a s**t. Amy leaves.

25 - Mark becomes the first housemate to have a w**k. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Mark's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a w**ker.

26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of Giraffe dung using only a fork. Mark is unsure but Derek is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.

27 - Completely out of the blue, Derek breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the Giraffe incident from his childhood. Sarah tries to persuade him to stay but Mark sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Derek decides to leave.

28 - With only two housemates remaining, the Giraffe dung task proves impossible. They fail miserably and resort to getting extremely pissed on some vegetable wine, made by Sarah from a couple of mouldy carrots she found in the Big Brother garden.

29- Nominations are due for the final time. Mark asks Sarah to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Mark nominates Sarah to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Sarah.

30 - When the nomination is announced, Sarah graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Mark is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Mark takes his 70,000 and runs away to italy. Nobody, including Sarah, ever sees him again.

Absolut Xero
04-23-2003, 05:52 PM
riiiight... :mellow:

Will
04-23-2003, 06:50 PM
Derek sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Will.

I FECKING KNEW IT.

Absolut Xero
04-23-2003, 07:19 PM
Originally posted by Will@Apr 23 2003, 06:50 PM

Derek sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Will.

I FECKING KNEW IT.
what about us Will?!?!?!?!?!?! :'(

Neil
04-24-2003, 03:15 PM
Lol :o Absolut, you've been.... forgotten...

Absolut Xero
04-24-2003, 03:45 PM
Originally posted by lp_hybridtheory_xero@Apr 24 2003, 03:15 PM
Lol :o Absolut, you've been.... forgotten...
lmao....... :shifty: :whistle: ^_^

X-Clusive
04-25-2003, 12:12 AM
What is it supposed to be!!!!!!!! :wth:

arT saveS
04-25-2003, 02:06 AM
Originally posted by X-Clusive@Apr 24 2003, 07:12 PM
What is it supposed to be!!!!!!!! :wth:
A story-ish thing...

NOT a song.. :chemist:

Mark
04-25-2003, 09:27 PM
Day 1 - Mark admits straight away that he doesn't like the look of Kat. He says she looks like a lesbian. As it turns out, Amy is in fact the only lesbian in the house, although Derek later admits that he is unsure of his true sexuality.

Lesbians are my special preference in women! How dare you!

7 - Big Brother is worried that things are getting dull, so he summons the housemates to have a mass debate about sex. After far too many cans of cider, Kat admits that she likes to be spanked on the arse with a fork. Mark says he never wears condoms because they make his bollock sore and Will agrees. Amy goes into a rant about how none of the other housemates have ever enjoyed a true orgasm because they're all boring heterosexual bastards. Derek sits in the corner, quietly eyeing up Will.

We agreed that information would never be released! I'm suing!

8- Today is the first day that the housemates must nominate someone to leave. Mark goes round everyone one by one, telling them he really likes them because they're the only one in the house that he can really relate to. Sarah and Kat are voted as the two candidates to leave. Nobody votes for Mark.

That was the truth, Although Derek freaked me out when his eyes didn't travel up over my neck for the whole conversation. :mellow:

15 - Once again it is the day when nominations are due. Mark tells everyone individually that he thinks Sarah is a whore. He also points out that anyone who wants to stay at his flat when the show is finished is welcome to come and visit. Sarah and Will are nominated by the housemates to leave. Nobody votes for Mark.

The flat was in Singapore, who was going to travel all the way out there to visit? [insert evil laugh]

21 - Mark successfully burps not only the National Anthem of italy but also God Save The Queen, wanksta and the theme tune to The Tweenies. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.

It was "The Telletubbies!" fools!

22 - Nominations are due and Mark tells everyone that he has a Villa in the South of France and they can all come and stay for a holiday. Derek and Amy are nominated.

Ok, that was a complete lie. Man you guys were gullible.

23 - Derek and Amy take their nominations well and sit down with Mark and Sarah to discuss why they voted for them. Mark keeps quiet but Sarah accuses Derek of being an arrogant, lazy, self-centred bollock before bursting into tears.

I thought Derek smelled bad and Amy was too tall.

25 - Mark becomes the first housemate to have a w**k. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Mark's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a w**ker.

Hey, guys have needs

26 - Big Brother sets the remaining three housemates the task of shifting 5000 tons of Giraffe dung using only a fork. Mark is unsure but Derek is confident, claiming to have done something very similar when he was younger. They gamble 50% of the food budget.

My only experience was transporting Koala dung, but Derek seemed fairly confident, so I agreed with him.

27 - Completely out of the blue, Derek breaks down in tears and announces that he is leaving. He claims that it is because the dung-shifting task has brought back the painful memories of the Giraffe incident from his childhood. Sarah tries to persuade him to stay but Mark sits in a corner, rubbing his hands slyly. Derek decides to leave.

That wasn't an act of evil, my hands smelled of onions, that wasn't good.

29- Nominations are due for the final time. Mark asks Sarah to marry him and she accepts. Unsurprisingly Mark nominates Sarah to leave. Rather more surprisingly, so does Sarah.

Who the hell is Sarah based on?

30 - When the nomination is announced, Sarah graciously accepts defeat and proclaims that Mark is a worthy winner. As they are soon to marry, she also agrees to shag him. The event is broadcast live to the nation and is preceded by a speech from the Queen. Everyone in the Big Brother production crew breathe a huge sigh of relief as viewing figures go through the roof. Mark takes his 70,000 and runs away to italy. Nobody, including Sarah, ever sees him again.

Yeah, I opened my own pizzeria and started my own talent firm managing Italian Rappers.

[Darken Hybrid]
04-25-2003, 09:52 PM
ok. what the hell is all of this about? :chemist:

Amy
04-26-2003, 02:06 AM
I thought Derek smelled bad and Amy was too tall.
Me tall? Now your lying :P It should say I thought Derek smelled bad and Amy was too short. ;)



Who the hell is Sarah based on?
Sarah is Absolut Xero.

Nikki
04-26-2003, 08:41 AM
21 - Mark successfully burps not only the National Anthem of italy but also God Save The Queen, wanksta and the theme tune to The Tweenies. He is proclaimed as a hero, despite the fact that a vote in a tabloid newspaper shows that 98% of the public want to kill him.

It was "The Telletubbies!" fools!

We have a show called the Tweenies here :P


25 - Mark becomes the first housemate to have a w**k. This footage goes down well with the Big Brother pschologist who proclaims that it gives us a true insight into the working of Mark's mind and brings out his true personality. In other words, he's a w**ker.

Hey, guys have needs



XD