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Seinfeld
12-22-2006, 11:45 AM
Let me go:

I was thinking we could get along
But once again, you've proven me wrong
Just five minutes too many of about a million more to go
Watching you kiss him and now I wanna let you know...

I'm going now, gone for good
Find someone else to fill the shoes in which I once stood
I'm leaving you, on my own for now
Find someone else who likes to be put down
I'm never coming back, no matter what you say
You went one step too many over the line today

And I could've been yours if you would've opened your eye's
I would've been yours if you would've seen through the lies
But now I'm broken and I'm sick of you ignoring my cries

Swept off my feet, left high and dry and the floor won't break my fall
I'll just keep sinking further and further and it's all your fault
Plunged me to the depths of your nothing, inside you're just so hollow
It's funny how I keep sinking and falling eventhough your so shallow

I was just thinking I could get over you
But yet again you had to show me what you had to prove
You tugged at my leash and I came running back
Knife driven deeper than ever and I just want you to know that:

I'm going now, gone for good
Find someone else to fill the shoes in which I once stood
I'm leaving you, on my own for now
Find someone else who likes to be put down
I'm never coming back, no matter what you say
You went one step too many over the line today

I say I've had enough...

but I just can't let go...

no...you won't let me go...

memories of you just won't let me go...

Oh, please...please...just let me go...






Hope someone likes it ^_^

esaul17
12-22-2006, 03:48 PM
Good job. I really like this piece. I've felt similar to that before, being treated like garbage and being unable to say why I love someone, but loving them nonetheless and not being able to do anything but be trampled on.

Seinfeld
12-22-2006, 04:29 PM
Good job. I really like this piece. I've felt similar to that before, being treated like garbage and being unable to say why I love someone, but loving them nonetheless and not being able to do anything but be trampled on.

Thank you...glad you can relate to it ^_^

Luke
12-24-2006, 06:05 PM
Chris, it's good but I don't think it's by no means a finished piece of work. There are certain parts which I thought with a different style of language could have really improved this. For example:


I was thinking we could get along
But once again, you've proven me wrong

This start to the piece lacks power. I can't stress enough to people that an opening to any piece of work needs either a really powerful opening or a gripping first verse/stanza otherwise the tone of the piece will come across as very low key and, not dull, but somewhat offputting by it's lack of attention factor.

I'd also like to highlight this whole bit:


I'm going now, gone for good
Find someone else to fill the shoes in which I once stood
I'm leaving you, on my own for now
Find someone else who likes to be put down
I'm never coming back, no matter what you say
You went one step too many over the line today

First of all I hate it when people use 6 lines for a chorus/verse/stanza because to get a proper rythem going it needs to be either 4 or 8 onwards. However I'm not too concerned by this because it's entirely you're option to do so. However if there's one thing that's worse than using the dreadful 6 line syndrome (that's the name I came up for it lol) it's the sheer lack of emotive language used in the chorus. I feel that a chorus needs to really stand out in a piece because it's almost as if the verses are building up towards the chorus however unfortunatly Chris this not only lacks emotive language but it also lacks imagery, consistant language and once again the appeal factor.

However, by no means should you take my critism as me saying it's a bad piece of work. It's quite good but by putting a bit more energy and time into it aswell as revising certain vocabulary in places you'd get a top notch bit of work here. It's got a good theme but with my suggestions I feel you could create something special here. You're probably wondering ''why the hell is he tutoring me like this'' lol. The reason is that I've seen some of your work before Chris and I've even collaborated on a piece of work you've done before and I know you have good writing capeabilities, don't let yourself down by creating mediocre work. I meant everything I said in the most positive way. :)

Anyway Merry Christmas

Luke

Seinfeld
12-25-2006, 06:03 PM
Thanks ^_^ I'll work on it...

Merry Christmas to you too :)