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D_A_V_I_D
07-15-2005, 02:17 PM
Hello fellow poets, finally got something new for you all. It is a bit different but i hope you still all like it. (Oh and it's quite long)

EDIT: I added a different ending, as i felt the first one was a bit rushed, i also left the original so the could be compared.

12 Truths

Feel the masterís wrath,
Feel the creatorís chill,
Feel the fault in all creation,
See the feebleness of you will,

See a heart thatís meant to be broken.
See a being made to be forged,
Feel your hate for the creator,
And now 12 truths shall be heard.

12 are the apostles,
That once proclaimed light,
To lead us down a road of hope,
Only providing a false answer to our blight.

11 represents balance,
The way the world should be,
Not overrun by evil,
Everyday killing you and me.

10 are the fingers of our hands,
With which we commit our masterís deeds,
Weapons to cause pain,
To make our masters enemies bleed.

9 are the cracks,
That slowly cause my heart to tear,
That slowly ooze out love and warmth,
Allowing corruption to make a home there.

8 are the venoms,
That eat away the flesh,
And leave me vulnerable,
To our masterís wild thresh

7 are the continents,
Boundaries of separation,
That separate race from race,
And only lead to discrimination.

6 are the walls,
Of this cage I am trapped in,
The boundaries of our minds,
That numbs the mind within.

5 are the shackles.
That bind my arms, neck and legs,
They bind me to a fate,
Where thereís nothing but dread.

4 are the choices,
I have in this pitiful life,
Run, fight, hide or die,
But you can never escape the masterís knife.

3 are the seeds,
With which the creator can forge us all,
With hate, fear and passion,
He guides our race to its fall.

2 are my eyes,
With which I conceive the earth,
And see the eternal sin,
Which we all receive at birth.

1 is the creator,
Whoís grip is cold and firm,
Who he put us on this earth,
Just to watch us squirm.

0 is our chance of victory,
Over spite and hate,
Of overturning our master,
And avoiding our dreadful fate.

For we have no chance of winning,
(Weíve already lost)
No chance of being free,
(Weíre only fighting ourselves)
We are beings forged for a purpose,
(We have no will of our own)
But we have to let this be.

These 12 truths may bring pain,
(Though lies hurt more)
But only in truth can we be freed,
(Or are we too blind)
Fight our creatorís bane,
(Give your life a meaning)
Turn around and bite the hand that feeds.

_______________________

Original Ending

For there is no other solution,
(Except death)
No other answer to our plight,
(Kill)
So letís bring a self extinction,
(Death)
Let us all slit our wrist with my knife.
____________________________________

saunderitos
07-15-2005, 02:48 PM
dude

so frikkin awesome

i love it :)

arT saveS
07-15-2005, 11:51 PM
Wow David, nice. It's very creative...the only part I can say I don't like is the last verse, it just wasn't as well written as the rest. But still very good.

D_A_V_I_D
07-16-2005, 01:24 AM
Originally posted by arT saveS@Jul 16 2005, 09:51 AM
Wow David, nice. It's very creative...the only part I can say I don't like is the last verse, it just wasn't as well written as the rest. But still very good.
I have to agree with you on the last verse, i wrote it at about mid night because i wanted to finish the poem and post it so i could get some feedback when i woke up. I'm fixing it up now.

lpsk8er
07-16-2005, 01:26 AM
Got to agree it frickin' awsome.

Gluez
07-16-2005, 03:05 AM
Nice work David. Keep it up! :D

bleeding rose
07-16-2005, 07:33 AM
:o -speechless-
I LOVED IT!!!!
lol :lol:
it was amazing....

7 are the continents,
Boundaries of separation,
That separate race from race,
And only lead to discrimination.

That was my fave part---its just so true--- :innocent:

D_A_V_I_D
07-16-2005, 02:03 PM
Thank you all for your comments, they are much appriciated. I have just updated my last verse and would love to hear what you think of it, whether for better of for worse, thank you all for being so supportive.

Arhaz
07-16-2005, 03:25 PM
OMG!OMG!OMG! ....i thought i posted her...but then i did...
it totally rocked David...i loved it soo much...as much as all your other works, yet differently all the same. amazing how you play with the words...just amazing! *waiting to read more....* ^_^


a collaboration sometime then?....PM me please

Andrea
07-16-2005, 04:59 PM
Wow! What you wrote is very different from some of the poems I've been reading lately. I love it. I can't wait to read more from you. :)

fallenangel
07-16-2005, 08:44 PM
i like the new style in this one. it's different and more orginal.

being orginal is what is hard about writing and if you can over come this as a writer, then you have what it takes to be professional, if that's what you want to do.

great job david. looking forward to more writings from you soon!

D_A_V_I_D
07-16-2005, 11:30 PM
Thankyou everyone, I'm glad that everyone seemed to really like it. It is hard to think of something original but i'm glad i was able to this time.
I would also like some feedback to which last verse is better, i like my second one better, but just want to hear what others think.

Linja
07-17-2005, 07:15 PM
Wow. -tongue stuck to roof of mouth- -gurgling noise-
Okay. That's better. I really like this. It's bleeding fabulous. ^_^
As for the last lines, first point. You wrote 'had', instead of 'hand' that feeds. And though that may have ruined this reply, I had to put that in. For seconds, aka dinner, I actually like both endings, I think the second ending, the new one, has a more....polished? Finished? Touch to it, but they were both good. This was a brilliant piece of work, and I hope you LIVE TO WRITE MANY MORE. :) Keep writing. ^_^ And I've realised that you probably hate me by now.

Linja
07-17-2005, 07:19 PM
Wow. -tongue stuck to roof of mouth- -gurgling noise-
Okay. That's better. I really like this. It's bleeding fabulous. ^_^
As for the last lines, first point. You wrote 'had', instead of 'hand' that feeds. And though that may have ruined this reply, I had to put that in. For seconds, aka dinner, I actually like both endings, I think the second ending, the new one, has a more....polished? Finished? Touch to it, but they were both good. This was a brilliant piece of work, and I hope you LIVE TO WRITE MANY MORE. :) Keep writing. ^_^ And I've realised that you probably hate me by now.
This poem was brilliantly, fabulously, original.

numbfeeling9
07-17-2005, 10:30 PM
Wow... *speechless* I have no clue what to say to that, except that it's awesome! Very original, I want to add. I can't wait to read more of your poems. Keep it up! ^_^

El Muerto
07-18-2005, 07:14 AM
*amazed*

awsome man, fucking awsome

fallenangel
07-18-2005, 06:56 PM
i have just read your edit and i have to say that i do prefer the second ending more!

again, fab work! ;)

D_A_V_I_D
07-18-2005, 11:19 PM
Thanks everyone for your comments, i'm glad alot of people seemed to really like it. I think the second ending is better as it ties into the start more. Once again, thanks. :D