’’I Can’t’’

[Willstar]

’’I Can’t’’

written by Akuma

This is hopefully going to be something Derek, my friend, and I can do in the future. We’re pretty excited right now that we’re even talking about it and getting ideas so early. Hopefully we can really make this work. ’’I Can’t’’ is the first song I’ve written for us... give me your feedback.
_____

Please help me,
I can’t see,
I can’t breathe,
I can’t feel,
I can’t think,
I can’t hear,

Please help me,
My anger,
Will explode,
And hurt you,
So please just,
Help me now,

Come down now,
See me from the inside,
It’s one thing I can save,
The inside of me,

Please help me,
I can’t see,
I can’t breathe,
I can’t feel,
I can’t think,
I can’t hear,

Please help me,
You don’t know,
What I know,
You can’t see,
What I see,
Please don’t run,
Please help me,
You must see,
Inside me,
Just help me,

Come down now,
See me from the inside,
It’s one thing I can save,
The inside of me,

Please help me,
I can’t see,
My anger,
I can’t breathe,
Will explode,
I can’t feel,
And hurt you,
I can’t think,
So please just,
I can’t hear,
Help me now,

Please help me,
I can’t see,
I can’t breathe,
I can’t feel,
I can’t think,
I can’t hear,

Please help me,
You don’t know,
What I know,
You can’t see,
What I see,
Please don’t run,
Please help me,
You must see,
Inside me,
Just help me,

Come down now
See me from the inside,
It’s one thing I can save,
The inside of me,

Come down now,
Please help me,
See me from,
I can’t see,
The inside,
I can’t breathe,
It’s one thing,
I can’t feel,
I can save,
I can’t think,
The inside,
I can’t hear,
Me,

I can’t tell,
What is real,
You have to,
Believe me,
And help me,

Come down now,
Please help me,
See me from,
I can’t see,
The inside,
I can’t breathe,
It’s one thing,
I can’t feel,
I can save,
I can’t think,
The inside,
I can’t hear,
Me...

[Ent0303]

I think a little more variety in your choice of words would be better. I mean, just changing one word here and there makes it a whole lot better. That's one thing I don't like a lot of when I listen to music, is repetition. Just by changing the words a little makes it a lot more interesting. But overall, its good so far.

[Bryan]

I notice this with a lot of people starting bands, the band will just write lyrics down and not think of the music. When writing the lyrics, you gotta always have a sound in the back of your head, lyrics dont matter if you cant put music to them.

But if you know that music will fit right, and sound good, along with the lyrics then its all good.

And with the lyrics, I agree with Ent0303, there is a lot of repatition in the lyrics, which can get annoying sometimes.

[Willstar]

When it’s sung it sounds a lot better, so the repitition won’t hurt it at all. Besides, we still have 2-3 years before we’ll even get together to start making the music. We’re just coming up with general ideas right now. This summer I’m hoping the three of us can get together to churn out some riffs and find a drummer or something. This spring, Derek’s taking bass lessons and my friend and I are going to take guitar lessons. In the future hopefully all three of us can take vocal lessons. Heh... thanks for the feedback anyway. *shrugs*

[Omar]

too choppy :P nice work though, but let the lines play themselves out, dont cut em down so soon. See where they have to go, they have places they want to be, but you won't let them go. They escape from you into their whole. Away from what they already know.

^^What i just did was strech out my sentences and make em lyric-ish, then you can mix + match the best parts of ur ideas :D

:: Omi

[Willstar]

Originally posted by Omihomi28@Jan 19 2003, 01:23 AM
too choppy :P nice work though, but let the lines play themselves out, dont cut em down so soon. See where they have to go, they have places they want to be, but you won't let them go. They escape from you into their whole. Away from what they already know.

^^What i just did was strech out my sentences and make em lyric-ish, then you can mix + match the best parts of ur ideas :D

:: Omi
:huh:

You lost me.

[Omar]

Originally posted by Akuma+Jan 19 2003, 12:29 AM--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Akuma @ Jan 19 2003, 12:29 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin--Omihomi28@Jan 19 2003, 01:23 AM
too choppy :P nice work though, but let the lines play themselves out, dont cut em down so soon. See where they have to go, they have places they want to be, but you won't let them go. They escape from you into their whole. Away from what they already know.

^^What i just did was strech out my sentences and make em lyric-ish, then you can mix + match the best parts of ur ideas :D

:: Omi
:huh:

You lost me. [/b][/quote]
Make the lines longer, and dont use "I" in most lines and it will be better :D


:huh:
^^ Lost Will hehe

[Willstar]

Originally posted by Omihomi28+Jan 19 2003, 01:31 AM--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Omihomi28 @ Jan 19 2003, 01:31 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> Originally posted by -Akuma@Jan 19 2003, 12:29 AM
<!--QuoteBegin--Omihomi28@Jan 19 2003, 01:23 AM
too choppy :P *nice work though, but let the lines play themselves out, dont cut em down so soon. See where they have to go, they have places they want to be, but you won't let them go. They escape from you into their whole. Away from what they already know.

^^What i just did was strech out my sentences and make em lyric-ish, then you can mix + match the best parts of ur ideas :D

:: Omi
:huh:

You lost me.
Make the lines longer, and dont use "I" in most lines and it will be better :D


:huh:
^^ Lost Will hehe [/b][/quote]
:unsure:

I guess you’re right... But I wanted to go for a ’’Cold’’ feeling (referring to Static-X’s ’’Cold’’). I don’t know... I’ll change parts in a little while. Heh.

[Bryan]

With all the 'I's' its Taproot-style, if you look at Taproot's lyrics Stephen says 'I', 'Me', and 'Myself' alll the time.

They have a drinking game where they take a shot every time he says one of those, they say it doesnt take long! :lol:

[XxLPxX]

I think you need more complete thoughts, just saying Help me, I can't breath, etc. isn't really something listeners can relate to. I just think alot more people would like it if they could relate to it more. :D

[Mark]

i think the lyrics would sound cool when backed by heavy guitars and fast drumming.

[Willstar]

Originally posted by LPFAN05@Jan 19 2003, 10:46 AM
i think the lyrics would sound cool when backed by heavy guitars and fast drumming.
That was what our plan was... To have really heavy thick guitars and fast-paced drumming.

Anyway, I wrote something else... Tell me what you think.

"Inside Myself"

Deep inside me lies a pool of hatred
I can only see the bright colour red
I cannot let you see inside of me
Only I can set this hate free
This pain I feel inside is real
This pain inside is all that I feel

You believe that you can help me
But you cannot help me set it free
I want to save myself from this place
But you just want to save my face

I hate the fact that you treat me like this
You say that I'm the only thing you miss
But deep inside you know you're wrong
Now all I can say to you is "so long"
This pain I feel inside is real
This pain inside is all that I feel

You believe that you can help me
But you cannot help me set it free
I want to save myself from this place
But you just want to save my face

Why can't you see it
You make me feel like ####
You do nothing for me
You can't set me free

Why can't you see it
You make me feel like ####
You do nothing for me
You can't set me free

This pain I feel inside is real
This pain inside is all that I feel

Deep inside me lies a pool of hatred
I can only see the bright colour red

You believe that you can help me
But you cannot help me set it free
I want to save myself from this place
But you just want to save my face

You just want to save my face

[Willstar]

No comments? :(

[Omar]

Dont take this offensively cuz I like your skill, but you gotta make each song feel more complete and feel different. By that I mean, each song shud have a diff. message that the audience can connect with.

Keep writing

:: Omi

[Willstar]

Originally posted by Omihomi28@Jan 21 2003, 12:30 AM
Dont take this offensively cuz I like your skill, but you gotta make each song feel more complete and feel different. By that I mean, each song shud have a diff. message that the audience can connect with.

Keep writing

:: Omi
Well, it was supposed to be a remake of the original..

[Hybrid Soldier]

i think you should name it "The Pain Inside". its ounds better to me. what do you think?