View Full Version : Jokes
Here is something kinda new, I guess...
Post jokes here that you know and see if you can make the other members of the LPa laugh...
Here is one I know, it's stupid, but I love it...
Theres two muffins in a oven and one muffin says, "Is it hot in here or is it just me" the other muffin turns to him and says, "Holy #### a talking muffin."
Lol I love that one, what jokes do you guys have?
Ander
06-02-2004, 05:24 AM
Yo mama's had so many face lifts, she needs a gynecologist to fix her teeth.
:lol:
Yo mama's so dumb she stuck a battery up her ass and screamed "I got the powa!"
I'm not sure why but i've allways liked that one.
Mechanical Christ
06-02-2004, 11:30 AM
I heard this from somebody, I forgot.
I didn't like it but...
Q : How dyou make an Osama explode?
A : What, are you stupid? Just stuff a bomb in his turban and detonate it!
:mellow:
ass_kicker
06-02-2004, 11:41 AM
i dont know any funny jokes... wait... let me think...
what day do fish hate most?
...
friday
hahah. sorry. i think this is quite funneys :lol: yeah. next joke.
Blaze
06-02-2004, 05:38 PM
i took up astronomy, so i put a sun roof in my ceiling...the people in the apartment above me are sooooooo mad :teehee:
steve wright
hehehehe
man i'm dumb :mellow:
A bear walks into a bar and all the customers run to a far corner. The bartender just keeps doing what he's doing, while the bear eats all the beer nuts on the counter. Then, the bear takes out a gun and shoots one customer, and walks out the door. So the customers start yelling at the bartender, asking him why he didn't run or do something, and the bartender replies, "It's just a panda bear."
The customer who got shot yells, "How can you tell that that was a panda bear?!"
The bartender says, "Simple. It eats, shoots, and leaves."
Willstar
06-02-2004, 07:51 PM
Originally posted by katethegreat@Jun 2 2004, 01:48 PM
A bear walks into a bar and all the customers run to a far corner. The bartender just keeps doing what he's doing, while the bear eats all the beer nuts on the counter. Then, the bear takes out a gun and shoots one customer, and walks out the door. So the customers start yelling at the bartender, asking him why he didn't run or do something, and the bartender replies, "It's just a panda bear."
The customer who got shot yells, "How can you tell that that was a panda bear?!"
The bartender says, "Simple. It eats, shoots, and leaves."
LOL!
That was an amazing play on words.
I'm going to interject here, though: IF ANYONE POSTS ANY RACIST JOKES, OR ANY JOKES THAT EVEN HINT AT ANY FORM OF RACISM OR PREJUDICE AGAINST RACE, SEXUALITY, ETC, YOU WILL BE WARNED AND YOUR POST WILL BE DELETED.
And that's the end of that public service announcement.
Leslie
06-04-2004, 12:38 AM
Originally posted by Will+Jun 2 2004, 11:51 AM--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Will @ Jun 2 2004, 11:51 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'>I'm going to interject here, though: IF ANYONE POSTS ANY RACIST JOKES, OR ANY JOKES THAT EVEN HINT AT ANY FORM OF RACISM OR PREJUDICE AGAINST RACE, SEXUALITY, ETC, YOU WILL BE WARNED AND YOUR POST WILL BE DELETED.
And that's the end of that public service announcement.[/b]
<!--QuoteBegin--Will@Jun 3 2004, 01:16 PM
"SARS" stands for "Systematic Asian Removal Service." [/quote]
:hmm:
Glenn
06-04-2004, 12:41 AM
What has 8 legs, a beak, and a tail?
A man on a horse holding a chicken.
All of you are looking at me like I'm an idiot cause of the corny joke. I have a very strage sense of humor.
Willstar
06-04-2004, 12:51 AM
Originally posted by Leslie+Jun 3 2004, 06:38 PM--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Leslie @ Jun 3 2004, 06:38 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> Originally posted by -Will@Jun 2 2004, 11:51 AM
I'm going to interject here, though: IF ANYONE POSTS ANY RACIST JOKES, OR ANY JOKES THAT EVEN HINT AT ANY FORM OF RACISM OR PREJUDICE AGAINST RACE, SEXUALITY, ETC, YOU WILL BE WARNED AND YOUR POST WILL BE DELETED.
And that's the end of that public service announcement.
<!--QuoteBegin--Will@Jun 3 2004, 01:16 PM
"SARS" stands for "Systematic Asian Removal Service."
:hmm: [/b][/quote]
lol.
I read that somewhere else. For some reason, my copy/paste didn't work right. There should've been a "<hypr>" in front of it to signify that that person said it. Plus it wasn't really racist.
And I'm not racist anyway.
So yeah.
i know a lot of old mama jokes..
yo mamas so old her birthday expired
yo mamas so old dinosaurs made cave paintings of her
yo mamas so old her birthday is in roman numerals
yo mamas so old her social security number is 1
yo mamas so old when someone asked her for her I.D. she handed them a rock
Glenn
06-04-2004, 02:52 AM
To a lot of the jokes in here... :lol:
Chris Luke
06-04-2004, 03:15 AM
An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.
"What happened?" says the doctor.
"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."
The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"
"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."
Atsuzen
06-04-2004, 03:42 AM
Originally posted by LPStreetFighter666@Jun 4 2004, 10:15 AM
An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.
"What happened?" says the doctor.
"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."
The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"
"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."
LMAO :lol:
That got me thinking dirty for a moment ...
The Modfather
06-04-2004, 05:38 AM
Originally posted by plc4theglue+Jun 3 2004, 09:42 PM--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (plc4theglue @ Jun 3 2004, 09:42 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin--LPStreetFighter666@Jun 4 2004, 10:15 AM
An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.
"What happened?" says the doctor.
"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."
The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"
"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."
LMAO :lol:
That got me thinking dirty for a moment ... [/b][/quote]
That's the purpose of the joke.
Hmm...
I bought a really old riding lawnmower from my brother a few weeks ago, uhh huh.. You know..one of them John Deere models with the nice green paint and yellow trim with the big ass ####### tires, but there was a problem...I didn't like the name John Deere because I didnt want to be on top of some guy...because you know, I just dont go that way man! So I ended up naming it after my ex-girlfriend, which seemed to fit it rather nicely. You know why? Because like her, it's a bit loose but it still rides as fast as ever.
*Walks away*
The Modfather
06-04-2004, 05:46 AM
Glad you like that because I wrote it.
arT saveS
06-04-2004, 02:00 PM
Originally posted by Will+Jun 3 2004, 05:51 PM--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Will @ Jun 3 2004, 05:51 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> Originally posted by -Leslie@Jun 3 2004, 06:38 PM
Originally posted by -Will@Jun 2 2004, 11:51 AM
I'm going to interject here, though: IF ANYONE POSTS ANY RACIST JOKES, OR ANY JOKES THAT EVEN HINT AT ANY FORM OF RACISM OR PREJUDICE AGAINST RACE, SEXUALITY, ETC, YOU WILL BE WARNED AND YOUR POST WILL BE DELETED.
And that's the end of that public service announcement.
<!--QuoteBegin--Will@Jun 3 2004, 01:16 PM
"SARS" stands for "Systematic Asian Removal Service."
:hmm:
lol.
I read that somewhere else. For some reason, my copy/paste didn't work right. There should've been a "<hypr>" in front of it to signify that that person said it. Plus it wasn't really racist.
And I'm not racist anyway.
So yeah. [/b][/quote]
This was by far the funniest.
I bought a really old riding lawnmower from my brother a few weeks ago, uhh huh.. You know..one of them John Deere models with the nice green paint and yellow trim with the big ass ####### tires, but there was a problem...I didn't like the name John Deere because I didnt want to be on top of some guy...because you know, I just dont go that way man! So I ended up naming it after my ex-girlfriend, which seemed to fit it rather nicely. You know why? Because like her, it's a bit loose but it still rides as fast as ever.
:lol:
I wish I knew some jokes. Hmm...I will come back with one.
Arhaz
06-04-2004, 03:21 PM
two husbads had lost their wives...they were in desparate search when they happened to meet each other...the first guy asked" what does your wife look like?" he replied"she's tall, 36'24'36 and had long black hair...what about yours?" and came the reply "forget about mine, let's search for your's!"
not the best....only one i could come up with...
ass_kicker
06-04-2004, 07:25 PM
Originally posted by freakolp@Jun 4 2004, 02:21 PM
two husbads had lost their wives...they were in desparate search when they happened to meet each other...the first guy asked" what does your wife look like?" he replied"she's tall, 36'24'36 and had long black hair...what about yours?" and came the reply "forget about mine, let's search for your's!"
not the best....only one i could come up with...
...i dont get it :mellow: :D yeah i know im stupid.
Mr. Benzedrine
06-04-2004, 07:30 PM
Even though this may be a little dirty its hilarious nonetheless.
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all." Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!"
Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o'this. Me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
lp_solder
06-05-2004, 08:41 AM
Two mosquitos are rideing a motobike. One of them says "STOP!!!"and the other one stops the motobike and askes "What's wrong?",and the answer is...
I want your opinion: what is the answer?
Chris(tmas)
06-05-2004, 05:20 PM
Originally posted by lp_solder@Jun 5 2004, 09:41 AM
Two mosquitos are rideing a motobike. One of them says "STOP!!!"and the other one stops the motobike and askes "What's wrong?",and the answer is...
I want your opinion: what is the answer?
Thats not a joke
thats a spam :lol:
Trish
06-05-2004, 05:29 PM
Originally posted by lp_solder@Jun 5 2004, 05:41 PM
Two mosquitos are rideing a motobike. One of them says "STOP!!!"and the other one stops the motobike and askes "What's wrong?",and the answer is...
I want your opinion: what is the answer?
HAHAHA, thats the funniest
Mr. Benzedrine
06-05-2004, 08:43 PM
Originally posted by Lostprophet@Jun 4 2004, 06:30 PM
Even though this may be a little dirty its hilarious nonetheless.
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all." Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!"
Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o'this. Me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
I thought my joke was funny actually, or was it too long and no-one could be bothered to read it all. :D
Messy Marj
06-05-2004, 08:46 PM
Originally posted by Lostprophet+Jun 5 2004, 07:43 PM--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Lostprophet @ Jun 5 2004, 07:43 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin--Lostprophet@Jun 4 2004, 06:30 PM
Even though this may be a little dirty its hilarious nonetheless.
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of 50 pence.
Murphy said, "Hang on, I have an idea." He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said, "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all." Murphy replied, "Don't worry -- just follow me." He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson whisky.
Shamus said, "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!"
Murphy replied with a smile, "Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!"
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk all for free.
At the tenth pub, Shamus said, "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more o'this. Me knees are killin' me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage in the third pub."
I thought my joke was funny actually, or was it too long and no-one could be bothered to read it all. :D [/b][/quote]
hahahaha :lol:
It's funny....
Mr. Benzedrine
06-05-2004, 08:58 PM
This ones shorter.
Bubba
The football coach noticed that his star tackler, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.
So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"
Bubba replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"
The coach went home early one day and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you Bubba?" :lol:
Michele
06-05-2004, 11:50 PM
Originally posted by Derek+Jun 4 2004, 04:38 AM--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Derek @ Jun 4 2004, 04:38 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> Originally posted by -plc4theglue@Jun 3 2004, 09:42 PM
<!--QuoteBegin--LPStreetFighter666@Jun 4 2004, 10:15 AM
An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.
"What happened?" says the doctor.
"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."
The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"
"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."
LMAO :lol:
That got me thinking dirty for a moment ...
That's the purpose of the joke.
Hmm...
I bought a really old riding lawnmower from my brother a few weeks ago, uhh huh.. You know..one of them John Deere models with the nice green paint and yellow trim with the big ass ####### tires, but there was a problem...I didn't like the name John Deere because I didnt want to be on top of some guy...because you know, I just dont go that way man! So I ended up naming it after my ex-girlfriend, which seemed to fit it rather nicely. You know why? Because like her, it's a bit loose but it still rides as fast as ever.
*Walks away* [/b][/quote]
lmfao ;)
Glenn
06-06-2004, 01:20 AM
Originally posted by LPStreetFighter666@Jun 3 2004, 09:15 PM
An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.
"What happened?" says the doctor.
"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."
The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"
"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."
:lol: :lol:
*I'll just like to say i know NO chinese, so for the purpose of this joke i will make up a word....read on.
Oliver is currently taking part in a golfing tournament around the world, the next stop for the tournament is China. Oliver arrives in China a day early for the tournament, so he decides to go and check out the night life around the city, so, Oliver is out and having a really good time, goes into his first bar, gets a bit tipsey, goes into his second bar and gets a bit drunk, gets to his third and is now wasted. He glances across the bar and notices a really attractive Chinese chick, he thinks to himself "ey, up ive never had a bit of asian skirt, so i'll try and give it a go", so after minutes of cheesy chat up lines he realises she doesnt speak english, but he still manages to get her back to his hotel anyway.
Still drunk he stumbles into his room and begins to undress her, finally after a struggle they begin to "get it on", minutes into the dirty deed the chinese girl begins yelling "CHINIKAWA!", "CHINIKAWA!" but Oliver doesnt understand a word she's saying, she continues "CHINIKAWA!", "CHINIKAWA!" he thinks "ey, up, she must be loving this, she's screaming her head off". Anyway, the night ends and the morning comes. Now, Oliver is feeling really ill from the previous night and he has to go to his golfing tournament, he goes feeling crappy. It comes to his first shot, he sizes up the ball, pulls back swings and...he swings and hes that drowsy that he manages to hit the ball into the wrong green, but out of the corner of his ear he hears the golfing caller give a snigger to the crowd and say "chinikawa" laughing gentley. Oliver, finding this word familiar turns around to his translater and says "what did he just say", the translater says back "what...chinikawa?", Oliver returns "Yeah, thats it, what does it mean?", the translater replies..."wrong hole!" :blush:
lol; awesome jokes.
My neighbour (who is a blonde) has one of those old fashion mailboxes with the flag thingy...Anyways, one day i was moving the lawn and and i saw her running up to her mailbox. Opens it, nothing inside, walks back in. 10 minutes later she runs up to her mailbox, opens it, nothing inside walks back in. Again 10 minutes later she runs up to her mailbox, opens it, nothing inside, slams the mailbox shut and stomps back inside annoyed. She kept doing that for about 15 more times when i went up to ask her what was wrong. She told me that her computer said "You've got Mail" so she went to check it and nothing was there.
My LA teacher always tells jokes every class and i thought this one was really good.
[note, the joke isnt as exactly how he told it but thats how i remember it]
what's hairy, has two legs, and bleeds alot?
highlight: half a dog.
what's green and brown, and would kill you if it fell on you from a tree?
highlight: a pool table.
what's the difference between michael jackson, and michael jordan?
highlight: michael jackson has sex with little boys.
I'd post certain jokes about babies, but they're wrong and would break the forum rules.
Blaze
06-08-2004, 12:06 AM
blonde joke :whistle:
Disclaimer: i dont think blondes are dumb i just like the joke. dont sue me for hurting your feelings :lol:
A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
Your moma is so fat that when she wears a yellow rain coat, people shout taxi.
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
"I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest."
The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says.
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?"
"No," replies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"
J-Flex
06-08-2004, 08:52 AM
Q: whats the maximum speed of having sex?
A: 68 because at 69 you fall upside down over
Originally posted by J-Flex@Jun 7 2004, 11:52 PM
Q: whats the maximum speed of having sex?
A: 68 because at 69 you fall upside down over
..
:lol:
Chris Luke
06-08-2004, 07:15 PM
Fascinate-
The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her Brests are so big she can only fasten eight."
ass_kicker
06-08-2004, 07:28 PM
Originally posted by LPStreetFighter666@Jun 8 2004, 06:15 PM
Fascinate-
The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."
The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."
The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'."
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.
Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her Brests are so big she can only fasten eight."
:lol: it took me a while to get it, i had to mumble to myself.
Chris Luke
06-08-2004, 07:49 PM
A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's
nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked.
I said to the guy ... "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He said,
"Because you came home early."
When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said
to my father ... I'm very sorry .... We did everything we could ...
But he pulled through.
You know when your addicted to the internet when:
1. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
2. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
3. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.
4. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
5. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.
6. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.
7. Your cat has its own homepage.
8. You beg your friends to get an AOL account so you can all "hang out."
9. You have your screen name as your license plate.
10. You actually invite large groups of people to your house and have internet parties.
11. You sit on AOL for 6 hours waiting for that certain special person to sign on.
12. You get up in the morning and check your email before going to the bathroom.
13. The only Family you send Christmas and Birthday Cards to are the ones who have an email address.
14. You’re on the phone and say "BRB".
15. Instead of forplay, you ask your spouse if she/he wants to skip the small talk and cyber.
16. You have internet in your bathroom.
17. You get depressed when you check your email and dont have any.
18. You name your dog DotCom.
Branden
06-09-2004, 02:07 AM
My dad & I actually called a radio station here locally when I was about 7, because I thought this joke was so hilarious. They played it too!
Q: What do you do if your big toe falls off?
A: Call a big tow truck!!
MWAHAHAHahaahaaaa.... ya...
Chris Luke
06-09-2004, 02:25 AM
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around
several times, does he become disoriented?
If people from Poland are called Poles, why
aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies
with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered
what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would
be if it didn't zigzag?
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.
The mime next door went nuts.
Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
Do people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water know that spelling it backwards
is Naive?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...Does
that mean the fifth one enjoys it?
Leones
06-09-2004, 08:45 AM
whahahaha, LPStreetFighter666, :lol: your jokes are so funny :lol:
and i don't know why people from Holland aren't called Holes, but I'm glad that they didn't :lol: :lol: :lol:
(yeah, why are we called dutch anyway?)
ass_kicker
06-09-2004, 10:28 AM
Originally posted by LPStreetFighter666@Jun 8 2004, 06:49 PM
You know when your addicted to the internet when:
1. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
2. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
3. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.
4. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
5. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.
6. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.
7. Your cat has its own homepage.
8. You beg your friends to get an AOL account so you can all "hang out."
9. You have your screen name as your license plate.
10. You actually invite large groups of people to your house and have internet parties.
11. You sit on AOL for 6 hours waiting for that certain special person to sign on.
12. You get up in the morning and check your email before going to the bathroom.
13. The only Family you send Christmas and Birthday Cards to are the ones who have an email address.
14. You’re on the phone and say "BRB".
15. Instead of forplay, you ask your spouse if she/he wants to skip the small talk and cyber.
16. You have internet in your bathroom.
17. You get depressed when you check your email and dont have any.
18. You name your dog DotCom.
these are hilarious :lol: :lol: :lol:
Messy Marj
06-09-2004, 10:46 AM
Originally posted by LPStreetFighter666@Jun 8 2004, 06:49 PM
You know when your addicted to the internet when:
1. You see something funny and scream, "LOL, LOL."
2. You talk on the phone with the same person you are sending an instant message to.
3. You meet the mailman at the curb and swear he said YOU'VE GOT MAIL.
4. You sign off and your screen says you were on for 3 days and 45 minutes.
5. You fall asleep, but instead of dreams you get IMs.
6. You buy a laptop and a cell phone so you can have AOL in your car.
7. Your cat has its own homepage.
8. You beg your friends to get an AOL account so you can all "hang out."
9. You have your screen name as your license plate.
10. You actually invite large groups of people to your house and have internet parties.
11. You sit on AOL for 6 hours waiting for that certain special person to sign on.
12. You get up in the morning and check your email before going to the bathroom.
13. The only Family you send Christmas and Birthday Cards to are the ones who have an email address.
14. You’re on the phone and say "BRB".
15. Instead of forplay, you ask your spouse if she/he wants to skip the small talk and cyber.
16. You have internet in your bathroom.
17. You get depressed when you check your email and dont have any.
18. You name your dog DotCom.
:o HI-LA-RI-OUS! :lol: :lol: :lol:
Chris Luke
06-09-2004, 07:20 PM
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
male genital Raise
I, the male genital, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:
* I do physical labour
* I work at great depths
* I am always using my head first
* I do not get RDO's, weekends off or public holidays
* I work in a damp environment
* I don't get paid overtime or shift penalties
* I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
* I work in high temperatures
* My work exposes me to contagious diseases
Response from Human Resources
After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have raised, the administration rejects your request for the following reasons:
* You do not work 8 hours straight
* You fall asleep on the job after brief work periods
* You do not always follow the orders of the management team
* You do not stay in your assigned position, and often visit other areas
* You take a lot of non-rostered breaks
* You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in order to start working
* You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift
* You don't always observe OH&S measures, such as wearing the correct protective outfits
* You don't like working double shifts
* You sometimes leave your assigned position before you have completed your work
* And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and leaving the work place carrying 2 suspicious looking bags!
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a bag?
Highlight:One's white, made of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with, and the other is used for shopping.
Leones
06-09-2004, 08:02 PM
Originally posted by _Matt_@Jun 9 2004, 06:52 PM
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a bag?
Highlight:One's white, made of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with, and the other is used for shopping.
*head hurts because of thinking*
I seriously don't know. :unsure:
oh, nevermind, hahahahaha i can see it
Chris Luke
06-09-2004, 08:13 PM
73 Fun Ways To Order A Pizza
1. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.
2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
3. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."
4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.
7. When they ask for your phone # give them theirs and see if they notice.
8. Answer their questions with questions.
9. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
10. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.
11. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.
12. Stutter on the letter "p."
13. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
15. Change your accent every three seconds.
16. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.
17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.
18. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.
19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
20. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" See how they respond.
21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
22. Imitate the order taker's voice.
23. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"
26. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.
27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."
28. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
29. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.
30. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
31. Ask to see a menu.
32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
33. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
34. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
35. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.
36. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.
37. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"
38. Psychoanalyze the order taker.
39. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
40. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."
41. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.
42. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."
43. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
44. Try to talk while drinking something.
45. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"
46. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
47. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
48. Be vague in your order.
49. Use CB lingo where applicable.
50. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.
51. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.
52. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."
53. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.
54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.
55. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
56. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.
57. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
58. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
59. Put them on hold.
60. Teach the order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.
61. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."
62. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.
63. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"
64. When you've given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."
65. Haggle.
66. Order a one-inch pizza.
67. Order term life insurance.
68. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"
69. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
70. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.
71. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
72. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.
73. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
The 6 o'clock News
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A blonde and a redhead are watching the 6 o'clock news one evening.
The redhead bets the blonde $50 that the man in the lead story, who is
threatening to jump from a 40 story building, will jump. "I'll take that
bet." The blonde replied.
A few minutes later, the newscaster breaks in to report that the man had,
indeed, jumped form the building. The redhead, feeling sudden guilt for
having bet on such an incident, turns to the blonde and tells her that she
does not need to pay the $50.
No, a bet's a bet," the blonde replies, "I owe you $50 dollars."
The redhead, feeling even more guilty, replies "No, you don't understand,
I saw the 5:30 edition, so I knew how it was going to turn out."
"That's okay!" The blonde replies, "I saw it earlier too, but I didn't
think he'd do it again."
Atsuzen
06-10-2004, 04:37 AM
:lol: :lol: :lol:
You're so full of jokes ... more, more!
ass_kicker
06-10-2004, 12:02 PM
Originally posted by cuidado+Jun 9 2004, 07:02 PM--></span><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (cuidado @ Jun 9 2004, 07:02 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> <!--QuoteBegin--_Matt_@Jun 9 2004, 06:52 PM
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a bag?
Highlight:One's white, made of plastic, and dangerous for kids to play with, and the other is used for shopping.
*head hurts because of thinking*
I seriously don't know. :unsure:
oh, nevermind, hahahahaha i can see it [/b][/quote]
i dont get it... :mellow: explain please :D
street fighter - :lol: :lol: :lol:
Chris Luke
06-10-2004, 05:35 PM
Things Found Only In America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Legend has it that there is a restaurant in New York where, in the Ladies
Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror
and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a
lie--*poof*--you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.
So, A redhead of questionable looks walks into the Ladies Room and
stands before the mirror and says, "I think I'm the most beautiful woman
in the world."--*poof*--The mirror swallows her.
Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, "I think
I'm losing weight."--*poof*--The mirror swallows her.
Then an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror
and says,
"I think...."--*poof*--
Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.
Q: How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
Death Row in Women's Prison
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde. The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!!!"
Everyone is startled and throws themselves on the ground while she escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She say no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
Suddenly the redhead yells, "TORNADO!!!"
Everyone is startled and looks around for cover while she escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim…"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!!!"
Atsuzen
06-11-2004, 12:56 PM
There are so many jokes here about blondes ... :unsure:
Mechanical Christ
06-11-2004, 01:49 PM
Originally posted by LPStreetFighter666@Jun 10 2004, 04:35 PM
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
:o You watched Bulletproof Monk!!
ryanlp2004
06-11-2004, 04:06 PM
This guy brought his pet monkey to a bar one time, he sat at the counter and ordered a drink, the monkey jumped off his shoulder and onto the counter and ate one of the cherries.
"Sir!" said the bartender "do you know what your monkey just did???"
"no, what did he do?" asked the guy
"he ate one of my cherries!" said The bartender
"oh sorry, he won't do that again" said the guy, So a few minutes later the monkey jumped off the counter and started eating the peanuts.
"your monkey just ate my peanuts!" said the bartender
"oh, I'm sorry, i promise he won't do it again" said the guy,
so the monkey goes over to the pool tabel and eats the cue ball.
"Sir!!! Your monkey ATE my cueball!!!" said the bartender
"Oh, I"m sorry, I'll pay for that" so he pays up and leaves, a few weeks later he comes back in with his monkey, the monkey jumps on the counter and grabs a cherry, shoves it up his ass, takes it out and eats it.
"Did you see what your monkey just did?!?!!?!?!!?!! he shoved a cherry up his ass then ate it!!!"
"Yeah, ever since the cue ball he measures everything first"
El Postwhore
06-11-2004, 06:43 PM
What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocery bag?
One's made of plastic and is harmful to children...
The other carries groceries...
:rolleyes: :D :lol:
Please note: This is not meant to be racist.
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?
Highlight: Quatro Sinko
lp_solder
06-12-2004, 03:56 PM
Two mosquitos are rideing a motobike. One of them says "STOP!!!"and the other one stops the motobike and askes "What's wrong?",and the answer is...
"I've got a fly in my eye!" :D
ass_kicker
06-13-2004, 02:53 PM
Originally posted by katethegreat@Jun 11 2004, 08:36 PM
Please note: This is not meant to be racist.
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?
Highlight: Quatro Sinko
:lol: lmao :lol:
Morgan Reanimated
06-16-2004, 12:47 PM
:x
linkin park 101
06-17-2004, 08:56 AM
I made this one up by myself
why did everyone run out of Hungry Jack's (Burger King)?
Because someone dropped a wopper.
:lol: :lol: :lol: or not :(
Euro 2004 Joke
Why do women prefer English men?
Because they can stay on top for 90 minutes and still come 2nd :lol:
emmmers
06-20-2004, 05:41 AM
Originally posted by Reyes@Jun 17 2004, 02:14 AM
Euro 2004 Joke
Why do women prefer English men?
Because they can stay on top for 90 minutes and still come 2nd :lol:
:lol: :lol:
Two guys are walking their dogs. One guy's got a Doberman. The other guy has a Chihuahua. The first guy looks up and says, "Hey, here's our favorite watering hole. Let's go in and have a drink."
The second guy says, "Are you kidding? We've got our dogs with us. They wont let us in there."
"No problem, just follow my lead." The first man puts on a pair of dark sunglasses and starts to go into the bar. The manager happens to be standing by the door and says, "Hold it, hold it! You can't come in here with that dog."
"Why? He's my seeing eye dog."
The manager thinks for a minute and says, "Well, okay, come on in."
The second guy says,"What the heck, I'll give it a try." he puts on his dark glasses and walks in.
The manager starts laughing and says, "What do you think you're doing? You cant come in here with that dog."
"He's my seeing eye dog."
"A Chihuahua?"
The guy thinks for a minute and says, "A Chihuahua? They gave me a Chihuahua??"
Originally posted by ryanlp2004@Jun 11 2004, 10:06 AM
This guy brought his pet monkey to a bar one time, he sat at the counter and ordered a drink, the monkey jumped off his shoulder and onto the counter and ate one of the cherries.
"Sir!" said the bartender "do you know what your monkey just did???"
"no, what did he do?" asked the guy
"he ate one of my cherries!" said The bartender
"oh sorry, he won't do that again" said the guy, So a few minutes later the monkey jumped off the counter and started eating the peanuts.
"your monkey just ate my peanuts!" said the bartender
"oh, I'm sorry, i promise he won't do it again" said the guy,
so the monkey goes over to the pool tabel and eats the cue ball.
"Sir!!! Your monkey ATE my cueball!!!" said the bartender
"Oh, I"m sorry, I'll pay for that" so he pays up and leaves, a few weeks later he comes back in with his monkey, the monkey jumps on the counter and grabs a cherry, shoves it up his ass, takes it out and eats it.
"Did you see what your monkey just did?!?!!?!?!!?!! he shoved a cherry up his ass then ate it!!!"
"Yeah, ever since the cue ball he measures everything first"
LMAO.
that joke is halarious.
Atsuzen
06-20-2004, 02:09 PM
Originally posted by lp_solder@Jun 12 2004, 10:56 PM
Two mosquitos are rideing a motobike. One of them says "STOP!!!"and the other one stops the motobike and askes "What's wrong?",and the answer is...
"I've got a fly in my eye!" :D
Don't quite get it but ... :lol:
Mechanical Christ
06-26-2004, 06:09 AM
a few blonde jokes.... try to think of your own answer before reading the answers.
Why did a mirror have six holes in it??
Highlight : a blonde tried to shoot herself.
Why did they invent the microwave?
Highlight : so blondes could cook too. (even with that they still can't)
And the best of the three here....
Why can't a blonde dial 911?
Highlight : she can't find the eleven.
El Postwhore
06-26-2004, 09:08 AM
A young boy walks into family court and approaches the judge. The judge asks the boy... "So son, what can I help you with?"
"I dont wanna live with my daddy, he beats me!"
"So you want to live with your mommy, right?"
"I don't wanna live with my mommy either. She beats me too!"
"Well then, who do you want to live with?"
"I wanna live with the Hamilton Tiger-Cats, they don't beat anybody!"
:shifty:
brokenLP
06-27-2004, 04:42 AM
A Child's Prayer
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."
The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
Goofy
06-30-2004, 01:50 PM
Originally posted by Lostprophet@Jun 5 2004, 07:58 PM
This ones shorter.
Bubba
The football coach noticed that his star tackler, Bubba had so many women hanging around that he couldn't possibly handle all of them.
So one day he asked Bubba, "Just what the hell is your secret?"
Bubba replies, "Well, Coach, whenever I'm about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw 'em forever!"
The coach went home early one day and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower. Seeing a window of opportunity, he tore off his clothes and started banging it on the dresser.
His wife stuck her head out of the shower and said, "That you Bubba?" :lol:
thats good :lol:.
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