New Coca-Cola Size

Discussion in 'Random Chat' started by Dedicated, Feb 25, 2004.

  1. Dedicated

    Dedicated LPA Addict LPA Addict

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2003
    Messages:
    15,031
    Likes Received:
    0
    COCA COLA INTRODUCES NEW 30-LITER SIZE
    Bottle Will Be Unwieldy, Unconvenient

    ATLANTA—The Coca-Cola Corporation held a press conference yesterday to announce that its soft drinks will soon be available exclusively in 30-liter plastic bottles. According to company spokespeople, Coke's decision to sell its product in what many consider to be overly large containers is not based on a specific study or survey of consumer demands, but rather on the company's desire to make a resounding display of its corporate might.

    [​IMG]
    The new bottles (above) take up an enormous amount of display space.

    Several major soft-drink companies attempted to improve on the standard two-liter size bottle by introducing a three-liter size in 1985, but the new size failed because of difficulties with storage and carbonation loss.

    "The three-liter didn't fail because it was too big, but because it was not big enough," Coca-Cola CEO Vic Hertner said. "With our new 30-liter size, that won't be a problem. Two liters is nothing. I could urinate two liters for you right now. But 30 liters? That's untouchable."

    The new plastic bottle is nearly four feet tall, and weighs 274 pounds when filled with Coke. In development tests, it took an average of three men to lift the new bottle. The product will fit in an average refrigerator, but only when all other products and shelving have been removed. Most inconvenient of all, the new Coke will go flat if not drunk within 17 minutes, even if it is promptly recapped. The Coca-Cola Corporation does not see these factors as drawbacks.

    "By requiring three men to lift the bottle, our new product will encourage a sense of community," Hertner said. "The popular image of the lonely soda drinker wasting his life away in solitude will no longer be relevant, because anyone wanting to drink the new Coke will need two buddies to get the soda home, and at least 10 buddies to drink it all. The quick loss of carbonation might lead to tiny problems, but what are people going to do? Stop drinking Coke? I think not."

    Sociologists see Coke's plan to manufacture the 30-liter bottle as the logical next step. "It makes sense," Stanford Professor Edmund Tillerton said. "Americans like big things. Big sky, big cars, big stereo speakers, big dicks and big TV sets. It would follow that we would like big bottles of Coke. We like things to be larger than life, and that's what the new Coke size is."

    Coke stressed that the new 30-liter bottle would not be merely a new size option, but will soon be the only size option. "We're phasing out the smaller cans and bottles, as well as two-liter sizes," Hertner said. "We're confident that people will take to the new 30-liter size. Besides, they won't have a choice. We own Minute Maid as well. Soon, all orange juice will only be available in 30-liter sizes. Fruitopia as well. We will buy controlling stock in every beverage company and force them to follow suit. We are very confident. Did I mention that we own a small nation? If the people of this country don't like the newly sized product, we'll simply declare war. We will bury you."

    Consumers are eager to sample the new size. "I like Coke a lot, so it would follow that I would like a lot of Coke," Linda Jillerman of Cincinnati said. "For the last 13 years, I've been working on a mechanism to funnel Coke into larger containers. I had to quit my job to do this, but it was worth it. Now, with the new size, Coke does all the work! I'll be able to get my old job back!"

    The new size is ready for the public, and the public is ready for it. After considering "Coka-Munga" and "The Shitload," executives settled on "Family Size" as the product's official name.

    An extensive promotional campaign for the new size is also in the works. The Coca-Cola company is considering exhuming the corpse of wrestling legend Andre The Giant for use as the product's spokesman. If Andre is chosen, Coca-Cola will reanimate him in the same laboratories where the Coca-Cola head executives were cloned. "Ve velcome zees challenge," head scientist Günther Brauerhauer said.
    This is a hoax, I wonder who will fall for it...
     
  2. ass_kicker

    ass_kicker Banned

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2004
    Messages:
    2,695
    Likes Received:
    0
    30 liters? woooooooooooop! but whos gonna buy it anyway? isnt it f*cking heavy?
     
  3. Dedicated

    Dedicated LPA Addict LPA Addict

    Joined:
    Jan 18, 2003
    Messages:
    15,031
    Likes Received:
    0
    Read the whole thing :lol: :chemist: :whistle: :shifty:
     
  4. Phantom Duck

    Phantom Duck You are my detonator. LPA Super Member

    Joined:
    Mar 14, 2003
    Messages:
    3,727
    Likes Received:
    0
    Dude.


    You're not fooling LPa with that.

    That should be in random chat, not to mention...

    WTF, it's hilarious, leave it here!
     
  5. ass_kicker

    ass_kicker Banned

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2004
    Messages:
    2,695
    Likes Received:
    0
    hahah... so they will hire people to carry the bottles around... mahahah... meh thats some funny stuff right there... hahah three man carrying your coke around!!!... i think thats hilarious...
    but its so stupid too... its wasting money... stupid human race... meh...
     
  6. limited_edition

    limited_edition Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 19, 2004
    Messages:
    341
    Likes Received:
    0
    WOW!!!! thats massive how you gonna get it home...."will go flat if not drunk within 17 minutes, even if it is promptly recapped." <-- quote...how you gonna drink that it 17minutes???? LOL



    are you sure bout this?
     
  7. ass_kicker

    ass_kicker Banned

    Joined:
    Feb 9, 2004
    Messages:
    2,695
    Likes Received:
    0
    get your 30 litres now, people... hah... so basically you need to drink it in 17 minutes. how stupid is that?
     
  8. Debus

    Debus Morbid Fascination LPA Addict

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2003
    Messages:
    19,780
    Likes Received:
    0
    LMFAO!!!!! :lol:
     
  9. Hana

    Hana i are scientists LPA Super Member

    Joined:
    Sep 6, 2003
    Messages:
    6,744
    Likes Received:
    0
    :lol: ROFLMAO!
     
  10. Matt

    Matt Official Ghost of the LPA LPA Super Member

    Joined:
    Aug 24, 2003
    Messages:
    3,289
    Likes Received:
    0
    Party!!!It's that simple. ^_^
     
  11. Debus

    Debus Morbid Fascination LPA Addict

    Joined:
    Jun 28, 2003
    Messages:
    19,780
    Likes Received:
    0
    Party!!!It's that simple. ^_^ [/b][/quote]
    Lol yeah just what i was thinking! Get loads of friends round and it will all be gone soon :lol:
     
  12. Will

    Will bread crumbs & white stones LPA Addicted VIP

    Joined:
    Aug 25, 2002
    Messages:
    35,488
    Likes Received:
    0
    That's the dumbest thing ever and I'm glad it's fake.
     
  13. arT saveS

    arT saveS Y2K

    Joined:
    Dec 19, 2002
    Messages:
    2,164
    Likes Received:
    0
    I believed it, my mouth was open the whole time after it said "the only size option."
     
  14. EvolutionaryFuse

    EvolutionaryFuse Ambient

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2003
    Messages:
    1,595
    Likes Received:
    0
    wooaaaa, im liking that



    *calls for mom to start the car* :thumbsup:
     
  15. Ander

    Ander LPA VIP LPA Super VIP

    Joined:
    Mar 17, 2003
    Messages:
    8,696
    Likes Received:
    0
    <-drinks pepsi

    muahahahaha! Take that Coke! :lol:

    ...

    Yea, I know its fake :p
     
  16. Whimsicality

    Whimsicality I broke the dam.

    Joined:
    Mar 22, 2003
    Messages:
    2,788
    Likes Received:
    0
    LMAO....

    If that were true I would buy one just so I could have a huge coke bottle...
     
  17. Cal

    Cal LPA Super Member LPA Super Member

    Joined:
    Apr 9, 2003
    Messages:
    5,634
    Likes Received:
    0
    f**k i thought it was real :mellow:
     
  18. EvolutionaryFuse

    EvolutionaryFuse Ambient

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2003
    Messages:
    1,595
    Likes Received:
    0
    imagine if it was real, and it was the start of giants taking over earth................................................................................................................ Noway :lol:
     
  19. mp066

    mp066 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2004
    Messages:
    458
    Likes Received:
    0
    hahahaha! that was hilarious. i love the urinating part.... :lol:
     
  20. EvolutionaryFuse

    EvolutionaryFuse Ambient

    Joined:
    Nov 7, 2003
    Messages:
    1,595
    Likes Received:
    0
    lol yer "i could urinate 2 liters for you right now" :lol:
     

Share This Page